things you shouldn't say to daddy

things you shouldn't say to daddy
especially as you're leaving
and never with tears in your eyes:

"dad, i want to stay with you only, all the time"

my poor child
too bad you miss daddy

you shouldn't have any feelings
for anyone
you will always be disappointed
you will always be alone

if you can't learn to be alone
to live alone
to accept loneliness
you will never be free
but instead
forever needy
fearful
and still lonely
money, violence or tears
will not help you

real freedom
is not temporary escape in desire
or longer escape in attachment
no
to be free
is to be free from the cycle
of desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

repeating the same thing
endlessly
the same loneliness
followed by
desperate hopes
and then the big shock
disappointment
loneliness again
a lifetime of tears
sorrow
pain

you are alone
no one can ever free you
from loneliness
freedom comes only thru acceptance
of being alone

school daze

oppressive heat is over
fall marine layers are back
cool morning clouds
crisp evening breeze
perfect weather

jad loves to ride
create wolf pup dens
with sofa cushions and pillows
covered with a sheet
light candles and incense
build construction sites
watch mechanical videos
rhyme words
create silly names
sing when he's really happy
make jokes
want to be a police

jad's mom petition in court
for full legal custody
extended twice
now set for january
as negotiations continue
through lawyers
and a psychologist

thank earth for vegan pediatricians
no vaccines for jad
low risk for serious complications
even for travel to india
no dairy for allergies
avoid gluten and sugar
inquired about homeschooling

four and a half
with full day at school
five days a week
8am to 3pm
poor child
the only minority
among middle class white children
half a hour from home
already sick this week
last school and year
sick 20 times
before she let him stay home
how many times will it take this time

gone are 6 hour daddy days
visitation is 3 - 6pm
commute time alone is 1 hour
dinner and bath another hour
routine triumphs everything

quality time with dad
less important than
a child machine
functioning like clockwork
throughout its day
doing the same activities
at the same time
day in and day out
day after day
programed into a robot
to accommodate parents' time
and adults' eternal quest
for more achievement and success