fear power

i finally made it to the judge
totally railroaded
old geezer allen
overlord of room a
norwalk family court
not a father-friendly place
still 10% visitation with son
yet father pays half of all medical
regardless of father's wishes
mother can get passport for son
and all required vaccines
she can have father drug tested twice
anytime in the next 6 months
mother already has all the power
and is using the court to get more
all in the name of her child's wellbeing
stuck living
in an upstairs apartment
two bedroom two bath
wanting to move to a downstairs
so my son can play outside
a rental became available
my dream house
not far from anaheim
small two bedroom cottage
one-bath with front yard
side yard with sun for gardening
huge back yard
it's the ex-inlaws property
grandpa called me to look at it
grandma cleaning everything
preparing it for grandson
painting the laundry shed
new floors, new stove
jad and michelle excited
nathan says its like a park
we fill out the app
print out credit reports
grandpa gives lights and ac
everything set to go
then i call her about visitation
and she used her power
to deny us the rental
and deny her own son
a better place to live
a better life with dad

greed and power is learned from fathers
having taught her to be merciless
that power is now used to hurt his grandson

use power carefully son
it has been used against me
and it only harmed you
if you use it against others
it will eventually hurt those you love

crash and burn

i discovered this song
by nadia ali
"crash and burn"
that i just can't stop
listening to
and thanks to youtube
i listen to five extended mixes
plus the original
for hours

nadia is a great writer
and her song arrived
at the right time
in my life
re-opening an awareness
that had gotten loss
over many years
in attachment

more than anything else
the holidays must be
a time for forgiveness
especially to those closest
our family and friends

nadia's voice is emotional
and her words true and real
in many ways
with its simple
and universal chorus
her song
changed my thinking
this festive season

the mostly techo remixes
are addictive
and grooving
especially iio's remix
the story of this remix is in the video
it's the story of nadia's discovery by iio
and then of her going solo
and scoring a hit with this song
and here's iio remixing
his lost star's song
just like the song

yet it feels like she wrote
and sang
this beautiful song
just for me

and
reminded of the futility
and pervasiveness of conflict
in all my relationships
i am finally coming to terms
with my anger

anger at myself
and anger at others
for relationship lost
as nadia reminds us
that's a risk we run...

--------------------------------------------

Crash and Burn
by Nadia Ali

You knew me better than anyone ever
And I remember your very first letter
We were so young and all that we wanted was more
We feed each other like rebels on Harley's
And I knew how to enter your body
But at the speed that we drove we were bound to wash out
We flew...
And I could read every word you were thinking
You gave me something I never was given
It was heaven and hell all at once as we laughed, and cried
There always needs to be one that is willin'
To throw a rope down to someone who's slippin'
But sometimes you gotta know when to let it go...
[x2]
We flew, rockets to the sun
Knowin' we'd crash and burn
That's the risk we run when you fall, in love

beautiful son

ken oak band
played some favorite tunes
on third street promenade
nothing like a live cello
on a cold winter day
we sat and listened
until you fell asleep
in my arms

dear son
let me remind you
just in case i forgot
to mention today
that you are
the greatest son
in the whole wide world
the best child
a father could ever ask for
far better
than everyone
every place
every idea
and everything else
i've ever known

its amazing
how something so beautiful
as you are in every way
could come from two ugly
and vile creatures
as me and your mom

there's nothing more important
than spending time with you
my love
each second with you
gives me warmth
meaning and purpose
makes me feel wholesome
and pure
each moment in your arms
is precious
and right
like the moment was meant to be
our two bodies feel in balance again

watching you move
with the joy of discovery
is like watching
a jaguar walk
an elephant sit
a dolphin talk
the ocean play
it's like watching
the sun hop
the moon skip
and the stars dance
you are all these things
and more

even as the world around you
collapses
through no fault of your own
you remain gentle and kind
humble and forgiving
and intelligent
and though i worry constantly
you never exceed boundaries
and always play safely

you are smart
with great understanding
and compassion
and you're learning
life's facts
quickly
but far too young

i wished you didn't know
at two years old
the importance of money
and its vital role
in destroying your family
how the bird died
at grandma's house
and how daddy has to go
and speak to a judge
in order to see you more often
you understand these things
for good or bad
it's what life is
better get used to it
life only gets worse

when i'm all laid out
flat on my back
in a sprawling city
without a relative or friend
cramped from being at a computer
days and nights on end
lonely and frustrated
over work and art
you'd pick me right up
and make me realize
why i'm living each day
- don't give up dada

i will never give up
on you my child
i will do whatever it takes
to spend more time with you
to share myself with you
and to show you
as much as i can
this wonderful and cruel world
and in doing so
to learn from you
how to respond
to our mother earth
with innocence and humility
son, you are
and always will be
the best baby
in the whole wide world