i'm six!

living at the beach is heaven
mild winter
hardly any rain
sea and sand
clouds and sky
mountains west
catalina island east
newport pier south
huntington pier north

dad and son in the middle
describing the painting
as jad counts to three
and takes off for the "cliff"
we race and jump with abandon
to our landing spot below

fast runner and good jumper
luvs to boggie board in puddles
rides a 16-inch bike
no training wheels for over a year
can identify all cars from their lights
likes police toy cars
luvs black widow action figure
me doing deliveries with toy trucks
in radiator springs playroom
diego and dora dvds still rule
as do reading native american stories
about animals and death
"girl who loves wild horses"
"beyond the ridge"
well behaved in school
one of mrs. clanton's best students
likes computer lab and starfall website
native foods and vegi wokery

jad's had many identities
and each comes with the clothing to suit
police who shoots bad guys with sleeping darts
swat police with electric stun gun
singer like jenifer lopez, pitbull and bruno mars
spy with lots of lasers, motion alarms, etc
luvs his video watch and spy sunglasses

much in demand by geeth and other friends
sai, joey, damius, isaiah, mera
dad, when is school again?
i want to go and say, "i'm 6"!!!

ending thought is being a child again
learning to play with abandon
life is a dance
the music comes from inside

no one

it's mid-august heat
the ants are back
all over the kitchen
bathroom
everywhere

there is no one
to talk to
to listen to
to walk with
who would understand
i am alone
and this computer
is the only friend
and home

it all started two days ago
during saturday visitation
son told cousin zee
he was at his favorite place
dad's home
then later he told dad
he cries to sleep
missing dad
every night
it didn't affect dad until sunday
when the child left
tears for the first time
in a long time

two days later
next daddy day
child sick with allergies
dad helpless
wanting fresh air at the beach
child wanting radiator springs
at dad's home

allergies got worse
and jad was asleep
by the time he got dropped off
so innocent in the rare view mirror
dad missing him already
we go with just 4 hours visitation
in 4 days!
too little time
for any child
and dad

tears are endless again
i miss my son
i wish i didn't feel so sad

fear masculinity

hot day
90s in summer's heat
heaven found
on a beach
cool waves crashing
on warm feet
bubbles and surf
sand and water
together or apart
always complete
child splashing
playing catch with mother
delight in each kiss
pure joy

in each wave's death

five, small and skinny
not an ounce of fat
tan brown body
for every woman
"oh, he's so cute"

riding fast downhill
without training wheels
a dare-devil in training...

loves fast cars
bmw, mitsubishi 
but really wants an infinity 
knows the make of most all cars
and model of many
can recognize make from afar
from the side or partially hidden
from their lights or symbol
i can only recognize symbols
and have to ask him
what kind of car this or that is
whenever i can't see their symbol
definitely smarter than me
we have a hundred toy cars
play hot wheels wii game
racing each other
even if i try hard
he usually wins
he has to win at everything
in the computer racing game
i am never allowed to pass him
score a goal in soccer
ride in front of him on the bike

likes being a fireman
but really wants to be a policeman
in school, the other boys play
star wars, catching bad guys, etc.
with sweet, tiny fingers
he makes the shape of a gun
and points to shoot bad guys
in daddy's room, re-named
radiator springs
we have no guns or shooting games
and we pretend to shoot sleeping darts
can read some sight words
loves art and stickers
baseball and frisbee

eating is a problem
"dad, sometimes i eat hotdogs"
"they taste so good."
his mother is not vegetarian
veggie wokery/bonnie's food
is the staple for daddy days
chicken with vegetables
lowmein, soup

loud
booming
explosions
fireworks
celebrations of masculine power
and violence

sad news from deen
his eldest son, ali, all of 15 years
in jail at riker's island
burglary with friends

i think of all the boys and men
that i know of personally
friends, nephews, relatives
in jail, hurt, or killed
because of masculinity
jailed for child abuse
strokes from alcohol
shot over a girlfriend
killed in a car crash with friends
and i look at my innocent child
and wonder...
will masculine excess take him too

sorrow's cry

last weekend was special
our first overnight
followed this weekend
with two nights sleepover
over 50 hours together
friday afternoon to sunday afternoon

jad is good at so many things
memory
rhyming words
explaining how stuff works
guessing the motivations of others
balancing on my shoulders
riding with training wheels
imaginative play
and on and on

we went to a fair
in eldorado park
our first scary ride
left us both with headaches
bumper cars was fun though

but just when he'd become
well-adjusted to life again
the helpless child has to leave
and things start to go downhill
on back to all-day school monday
by tuesday, he's mal-adjusted
raving mad again

unintelligible
on the phone
at 8 pm
crying inconsolably
today
four hours
after school visitation
was not enough
i sing a song
i promise to visit him in school tomorrow
he says lots of "bye"
mom sighs - oh jad
mom asks - do you feel better
"no" he replies

a boy really misses his father

"dad, i really really miss you"
"i want to live at your house all the time"
"i want to be with you only"
"i dream of you"
"i cry and cry for you"

how does one explain attachment
to a four year old child
who only knows sorrow
or a forty year old mother
who refuses to see his sorrow

trapped
between selfish parents
focused only on their physical survival
children born to joy and creative discovery
are starved emotionally
endless tears going unheeded
until they shrivel up inside
die emotionally
surviving on the life support
of escape
instant gratification
and endless desire

things you shouldn't say to daddy

things you shouldn't say to daddy
especially as you're leaving
and never with tears in your eyes:

"dad, i want to stay with you only, all the time"

my poor child
too bad you miss daddy

you shouldn't have any feelings
for anyone
you will always be disappointed
you will always be alone

if you can't learn to be alone
to live alone
to accept loneliness
you will never be free
but instead
forever needy
fearful
and still lonely
money, violence or tears
will not help you

real freedom
is not temporary escape in desire
or longer escape in attachment
no
to be free
is to be free from the cycle
of desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

repeating the same thing
endlessly
the same loneliness
followed by
desperate hopes
and then the big shock
disappointment
loneliness again
a lifetime of tears
sorrow
pain

you are alone
no one can ever free you
from loneliness
freedom comes only thru acceptance
of being alone

school daze

oppressive heat is over
fall marine layers are back
cool morning clouds
crisp evening breeze
perfect weather

jad loves to ride
create wolf pup dens
with sofa cushions and pillows
covered with a sheet
light candles and incense
build construction sites
watch mechanical videos
rhyme words
create silly names
sing when he's really happy
make jokes
want to be a police

jad's mom petition in court
for full legal custody
extended twice
now set for january
as negotiations continue
through lawyers
and a psychologist

thank earth for vegan pediatricians
no vaccines for jad
low risk for serious complications
even for travel to india
no dairy for allergies
avoid gluten and sugar
inquired about homeschooling

four and a half
with full day at school
five days a week
8am to 3pm
poor child
the only minority
among middle class white children
half a hour from home
already sick this week
last school and year
sick 20 times
before she let him stay home
how many times will it take this time

gone are 6 hour daddy days
visitation is 3 - 6pm
commute time alone is 1 hour
dinner and bath another hour
routine triumphs everything

quality time with dad
less important than
a child machine
functioning like clockwork
throughout its day
doing the same activities
at the same time
day in and day out
day after day
programed into a robot
to accommodate parents' time
and adults' eternal quest
for more achievement and success

premonitions

azul, verde and rojo
flowers in bloom
hot summer day
cool off shore breeze
sunset over the mountains
dead bird on the beach

torn between two sides
jad is learning self-hate
"daddy, you are a bad man"
"you are not good"
"is mommy going to run away today?"
so much turmoil
for one so young
and if the family war wasn't enough
he's tossed out of the house
forced into church-run daycare
three days a week, all day
8 am to 6 pm
with male predators lurking around
spending more time with strangers
than with his own daddy

emotionally deteriorating
he takes it out on everyone
jad is the school bully
and i am prevented from visiting
to find out who he fights with
and why

today we crossed paths
after i dropped jad off at the house
heading to the police station
to get a copy of a police report
she was going to the library next door
and claimed i was stalking her
she ran inside the station to make a report
she had all of their ears
bored, they liked listening to her sorrows
she flirts with the men
they allow her to file a domestic violence case
and they report me for creating a disturbance
at the police station
the disturbance was her asking
to file a case against me
i never said a word to her

i was there to pay for a report
which i then learned
they had declined to file
of her abandoning the child at 7:00pm
one night the previous week
after leaving us outside for three hours
she ran out of the house
into a friend's awaiting car
speeding off from a screaming child
rather than satisfy her custodial duties
trying to force me to do overnights
but now claiming she was scared of me
why didn't she call the police then
every time i pick up my son now
she threatens to call the police
every time
but that night she couldn't?

gearing up to go to court again
she's changed her tune on overnights now
her new story is
"i am not going to allow overnights"
"you need to have a separate room for him"
"you are an unfit father"

all this conflict
due to "maternal love"
playing with fire daily
burning the child in the process
continually making attempts
to end paternal relationship
the final solution
of selfish gendered minds
who can't stand a child's innocence
questioning their hateful existence
daily
they may succeed
after birth
daddy's are an expendable commodity

how much mothers changed
before the birth
she was obsessed with languages
and wanted him to learn four or five languages
and planned all these different activities
she had him learning to sign at two months
but then the divorce came at two years
now all he learns is curses
police and court language
poor child
already trapped in thought at three
never had a chance to be any different
and maybe losing daddy

blooming at night

such a beautiful day
the beach was warm
even at sunset
the surf pounding close to shore
the air refreshing
summer is heaven
meaning lies underneath every leaf

for dad and son
its our death anniversary
a year after divorce papers were served

i've traveled a bit
down this lonely road
single, grieving
missing a three year old
then having to deal with him alone

first i blamed myself
then i blamed the child
lastly i blamed the woman
now i understand
its really the fault
of all men

are women as greedy as men
would a woman choose money
over the emotional health of a child
money may be most things
but its not everything
it doesn't compare to a child

people with money are crazy
they ruin a child's life
because of paternal poverty
then give rich lawyers the money instead
now they want my consent
to give more money to rich psychiatrists
to try to cure their child

who is insane
the three year old
or the guardians who would even think
of taking a three year old
to a psychiatrist

for what

- i am concerned about the way he is behaving
- i'm not sure what he says or acts with you
- he needs more consistency in behavior

i.e we need to follow her rules

are they "her" rules
or those of the grandfather
darth vader himself

this divorce is hell
i'm 47 years old
sometimes i cannot stand to bear another minute of it
its the most difficult experience i've ever had
i cry and write to recover

how does a three year old respond
to parental alienation
to a non-custodial dad who failed him
to the back and fort bickering
to the complete absence of love in his life

conflicted in his feelings
sometimes hateful
other times needing touch
he screams and throws food

how do adults respond to this

how long does it take
for a child
or adult
to heal from this abuse
somethings never heal

how much time
should we give a three year old
to accept his emotional death
and conform to the insanity around him

aren't mothers inherently more patient
what would drive a mother to psychiatry
so soon

is time a product of patriarchy
why is time important
time is money
all men can think about is money

the flower blooms at night
as men gather around
with shears snapping
counting the seconds
for day break
eyes gleaming in orgasm
at the thought of another convert
of more accumulation
of more greed

division

sunny day on the beach
the sea lion
perch on a rock
dogging big waves
two dolphins swim
soft feet on sand
searching for rocks
the mother heals

division
powerful word
why are we divided
who are we divided from

an animal
beautiful body
engaged with life
in survival and sex

but there is a dark witness
watching over the body's pursuit
of survival and sex
this darkness seeks continuity
of itself

the witness thinks constantly
steps to the center
fantasizing it is the center

life ends
the weird image flashes mindlessly
until it dies from exhaustion

division ends
the body continues
as other parts of life

losing attachment

windy cold day
gray and cloudy
36 hours is an eternity
for a child on a seconds clock
enough to go from love to hate
from one daddy day to the next

fussy child
resenting being thrown out
of mother and home
to a lone stranger
preferring grandma
crying to go back to mommy

mixed blessings
losing attachment to a father
children aren't as sad
over destruction of family
and remain clueless
to paternal pain
thankfully they're in the moment
whatever it is
still too young
to cultivate sorrow

we stop at a dog park
dozens of animals
large and small
white, brown and black
most are from a shelter
spending a few hours outside a cage
happy to be alive
acting the same
its funny to see
owners treating one as special
children are no different

walking to the beach
warm sand
using blocks
watching trucks
gathering wild flowers
sleeping to the sound of waves
never wanting to leave
cupcakes are a huge draw
thank god for vegan restaurants
nine and a half hours later
saying goodbye to a new friend
hugging him one last time
attached for the moment

how do these daily changes
uncertainly
difference
rejection
abandonment
affect a growing psyche
and fuel conflict in the world

so many more things
can be done for a child
within a community
dad alone can do so much
mom is tired all the time
showing only hate and anger
for each other
the realities of modern life
where children are valued
in terms of future accumulation
who cares damn how they get through the day

thought is ready to give up
wishing for a childless past
freedom for someone else fantasies
life before this living hell
to cut loose from the careless finger
toying with the yo-yo of fatherhood

assuming they know how the enemy feels
fathers are quick to receive superior wisdom
from other divorced mothers
filled with cruel irony
revealing the utter futility of their enterprise
"life goes on" -
and so it does
second after painful second
"it gets better" -
i suppose there is a difference
between 99 and 100 degrees water
i should be thankful that one leaves me
with slightly less severe burns
"hang in there" -
this one is just plain cruel
as if it's meant to be taken literally
advice this self delusional
regurgitated from the depths
of thought's selfishness
i can do without
and thankfully never received
for a man in the same predicament

at the end of the visit
all that matters
is missing a child
and waiting patiently
to see which one will show up
the next time
after being worked over and worked up
for another 36 hours
into father-hating thoughts
the only antidote for which
is another beautiful daddy day

nothing

you run around
while i chase you
you sit on ground
i sit there too
you dig the sand
i dig the view
you hurt your hand
i want to hug you

you climb on up
i have to warn you
you jump on down
i try to catch you
you're feeling hungry
i'm there to feed you
you're feeling tired
i soothe you

its just the two of us
on an average day
driving in the car
you're in the back
chilling in the child seat
waking from your nap
and we both excited
looking for a spot
can't wait to go inside
daddy's new home

where's my daddy

where's my daddy

where's my daddy
is he under the chair
maybe by the stair
i think he is near
there's singing in my ears
the smell of tufu in the air
and i've lost my fears

where's my daddy
is he over here
what's that camping gear
those things he wears
me and him are a pair
a dad like him is rare
is that daddy over there

where's my daddy
why does everyone not care
can't you see i'm in tear
i don't want your teddy bear
or the stuffed gray mare
i want someone who is dear
i want my daddy here

settlement

it was cold today
we walked three blocks
down the ramp
over us 1
across the sand
and discovered...

puddles
lots and lots of puddles
they were deep and cold
and endlessly joyful

we ran through each one
up and down the beach
pausing to gaze at pelicans
drying in the sun
a perfect playground
for father and son

dada is entering new territory
of loneliness
and being alone
spending days
locked in a cold room
not talking to anyone
until he sees you
for a few hours
then back again
into a hole

he misses you dearly
and can't stand the fact
that we are separate
he will never get used to this

he cries suddenly
uncontrollably
until he regains control
of thought
and removes you
and the past
from the moment
then he is normal again
very normal
solitude has its advantages
and in many ways
dada has been blessed
and is back to himself
after a long time
of doing what some else wants
living the life of others

the marriage between
me and your mom
was forced
i never wanted to marry her
or anyone else for that matter
i know her parents very well
they never liked me
and only forced us to get married
because they couldn't have your mom
living in sin

i knew their hatred
would lead them to this
like it did with the others
all divorced

in deciding to give you life
i weighted all these facts
i knew you would suffer
but i give you life regardless
why
how could i be so careless
and irresponsible
especially if i knew beforehand
i made you
to suffer
all these years
why

you should always live your life
never compromise on your principles

it was the one unselfish act
i ever did in my life
i did if for your mother
i didn't want her to live a barren life
her life was meaningless enough
so i put you there
and did everything i could
to give you a good birth

with the writing on the wall
even before your head was dry
i spent as much time as i could with you
in the beginning
and even though i gave them
all the trivial excuses they needed
to pull the trigger
on both of us
i still tried to hold on to you
as long as possible

i guess that's why
it took me eight months
two hundred and forty eight days
to settle the divorce
which i did today
i signed the last paper
me and you mom will both write on
and with that
the divorce is over

you must never think
its your fault
we lived in conflict
had separate friends
never did anything together
and fought bitterly
there was never anything
between your mom and me
all she wanted was a child
and while i felt sorry for her
in creating you
compassion is not love
so it is not your fault
not by any stretch of the imagination

it is all my fault
i had foresight into your life
and knew before
what would happen to you
its all my fault

maybe i did it for me
i didn't want to appear selfish
i was afraid of what others would think of me
whatever the reason
i have learned a lesson
go with your own feelings
trying to please others
when you know better
will not change its result
and only lead to more suffering

its not you
or me
its the nature of thought
this is all there is
and there is no way out
so don't even try
only when all movement cease
will you be able
to enjoy the beach
and live your life
dancing through puddles