it was cold today
we walked three blocks
down the ramp
over us 1
across the sand
and discovered...
puddles
lots and lots of puddles
they were deep and cold
and endlessly joyful
we ran through each one
up and down the beach
pausing to gaze at pelicans
drying in the sun
a perfect playground
for father and son
dada is entering new territory
of loneliness
and being alone
spending days
locked in a cold room
not talking to anyone
until he sees you
for a few hours
then back again
into a hole
he misses you dearly
and can't stand the fact
that we are separate
he will never get used to this
he cries suddenly
uncontrollably
until he regains control
of thought
and removes you
and the past
from the moment
then he is normal again
very normal
solitude has its advantages
and in many ways
dada has been blessed
and is back to himself
after a long time
of doing what some else wants
living the life of others
the marriage between
me and your mom
was forced
i never wanted to marry her
or anyone else for that matter
i know her parents very well
they never liked me
and only forced us to get married
because they couldn't have your mom
living in sin
i knew their hatred
would lead them to this
like it did with the others
all divorced
in deciding to give you life
i weighted all these facts
i knew you would suffer
but i give you life regardless
why
how could i be so careless
and irresponsible
especially if i knew beforehand
i made you
to suffer
all these years
why
you should always live your life
never compromise on your principles
it was the one unselfish act
i ever did in my life
i did if for your mother
i didn't want her to live a barren life
her life was meaningless enough
so i put you there
and did everything i could
to give you a good birth
with the writing on the wall
even before your head was dry
i spent as much time as i could with you
in the beginning
and even though i gave them
all the trivial excuses they needed
to pull the trigger
on both of us
i still tried to hold on to you
as long as possible
i guess that's why
it took me eight months
two hundred and forty eight days
to settle the divorce
which i did today
i signed the last paper
me and you mom will both write on
and with that
the divorce is over
you must never think
its your fault
we lived in conflict
had separate friends
never did anything together
and fought bitterly
there was never anything
between your mom and me
all she wanted was a child
and while i felt sorry for her
in creating you
compassion is not love
so it is not your fault
not by any stretch of the imagination
it is all my fault
i had foresight into your life
and knew before
what would happen to you
its all my fault
maybe i did it for me
i didn't want to appear selfish
i was afraid of what others would think of me
whatever the reason
i have learned a lesson
go with your own feelings
trying to please others
when you know better
will not change its result
and only lead to more suffering
its not you
or me
its the nature of thought
this is all there is
and there is no way out
so don't even try
only when all movement cease
will you be able
to enjoy the beach
and live your life
dancing through puddles
