the brief summer
is gone
back to gray skies
cool weather
drizzling rain
washing everything clean
except our minds
today was daddy day
there are good days
and bad days
depending on the child's mood
the weather
and maternal manipulation
all three were present
today was a bad day
i picked the child up at 11 am
fussy
upset
naughty
spilling his juice and water
throwing dad's eye glasses
not eating
all day long like this
he just could not be pleased
even on the beach
at 5:30 pm
the crying started
as we prepared to leave
and he cried all the way to his home
"i want to stay with daddy"
"i want to go to santa monica"
"i want to sleep with you"
we get there half-hour early
she purposely keep us waiting
in the dark outside
hungry and cold
until the assigned time
at 7:00 pm on the dot
she shows up
cavalier
smug
indifferent
she's made her stupid point
and forced me to wait for her
the child runs after me
as i leave
overwhelmed by attachment
and compassion for my child
my heart shatters
into a million pieces
i cry all the way back
thought is perfect
in its devastation
its induced pain
all-consuming
never ending
addictive
regresses me back to childhood
when i used to cry for hours
long after i'd forgotten
why i started
perhaps schopenhauer is right
sorrow is our natural state of being
i write to exorcise
all that happened
so i can become whole again
until the next time
visitation can be hard on single dads
it leaves me
emotionally bankrupt
filled with anger
hopeless
morbid
the joys of fatherhood
are over-rated
why did i do it
why did i chose the wrong mother
a modern woman who wanted an accessory
her designer child
rather than an intact family
for that creature inside her
i knew this would be bad
and tried to prepare myself
mentally for its eventuality
but living a divorce each day
is on a whole new level
oddly enough
after the pregnancy
living with her
was worse
her demeanor changed overnight
and i finally saw what was inside
impatience
self-absorption
superiority
it was like
"you finally did your job
now get lost"
despite my sexist denial
there is a part of me
which recognizes
that i've been played
up and down the block
for over a decade
i need to honor that part
it will save me
from being fooled again
a lesson learned
late
is infinitely better
than short-sighted denial
i've wasted all my life
in romanticism
cultivating attachment
practicing martial detachment
through purposeful withdrawal
from the problems of the world
mindlessly using another
for my pleasure
the chickens have come home to roost
i enjoyed 30 years of stupor
now its time for the pain
