first months

endlessly insane

where do i begin
to tell the story
of how great love can be...


summer is almost here
the days are hot and dry
the winds are warm
and the sun burns with intensity

the nights are cool, however
with a sense of relief
plants and animals both
enjoy this release from the heat
a calmness envelops the earth

jasmines are in bloom
their perfume fills the air
jacarandas' purple flowers
have fallen everywhere
along with their earthy smell

the buddha and i
walk familiar but new paths
he hums along as i sing
our rhythm moves closer
as we renew our friendship each day

i reading a bit of UG Krishnamurti
and am quite surprised at what he says

for example,
i am always talking to myself!
this is endless thought of course
thinking, thinking, thinking
really just talking to myself
nonstop
if i did it aloud
i would be committed
yet this is what i do 24/7
am i mad?
it seems that way

what can i do about it
endlessly thinking?
UG says nothing!
its too powerful to stop
and who is doing the stopping?
thought!

he suggests that
ending thought is acausal
only a few are "choosen"

the rest of us spend our lives
in the illusion of continuity
endlessly becomming
endlessly conflicting
endlessly thinking

this is a relief of sorts
it kinda lets me off the hook
if thought cannot be stopped
why keep on trying
or even wanting it to stop?

ironically,
this is exactly what needs to happen
in order for thought to end
i must cease wanting it to end
accepting my mind as it is
endlessly thinking
endlessly talking to myself
endlessly insane

trusting the mother

day after day,
love turns grey...




it is a beautiful evening
with the moon almost full;
moonlight filters through
and reflects off
marine layers of fog
so the nights are brighter

as summer approaches
it is warm with a cool breeze;
the morning fog lingers
throughout the day
making it cooler than normal

sounds of birds are everywhere
crows, wrens, starlings, doves
seagulls, bluejays...
mating calls fill the air;
there are more birds now
than in previous springs

the days are long and tired
as i fight off depression
and feeling sorry for myself

two more weeks of work
and i'll be unemployed again
fired from four jobs in six years

i am a terrible worker
lazy and inconsiderate
i hate working these jobs
and it shows

is the earth mother
trying to tell me something?

what is right livelihood
and how do I find it?

another search begins
for a job i don't want
and feel i can't do
but one which i must do

facing rejection after rejection
and the frustration
of underemployment

yet i must not despair
the mother has provided
and i am truly blessed

she is leading me
step by step
towards something meaningful
and rewarding
i must be patient
and trust her

i will allow myself to be guided
i will not let my fears
or the fears of others
interfere with her plans for me

fear is thought
thought is fear
to end fear
i must end thought