it was heaven

when routine bites hard, and ambitions are low
and resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow
and we're changing our ways, taking different roads
then love, love will tear us apart again

love will tear us apart again - joy division
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have killed all of you before
i was chopped up by all of you in previous lives
we have all killed each other as enemies
so why should we be attached to each other?

buddha

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

winter is cold
in la this year
50s and 60s
and it rains
for days sometimes
we escaped
to south beach
for two weeks
80s most days
my old friend
the atlantic
warm and inviting
me and the lord
running and playing
in the water
with the mother

i was shocked
by the lack of water
in the river of grass
this low even after
the wet season
there were more people
than birds
in the everglades

ah miami
many relatives
even more friends
everyone old
in body and spirit
regardless,
had a grand ole time

a coming out party
for the brand new me
the one off of coffee
three double lattes
everyday
for a whole year
drove myself suicidal
for losing control
of my emotions
drove sush crazy too

what a great mother
sushila is
so devoted and kind
the best mother
a young lord can ask for
going on three years
constantly caring
for body and baby
yet
the most energetic
and attentive
to the lord's every need
such a great goddess
with her aura
reflected
each precious moment
by the lord

blessed i am
to be in the presence
of the mother
and her precious child

the lord is growing
amazingly fast
loves fans
sprinkler fans
tire fans
anything circular
loves lights
loves to color
with crayon
playing elmo on the computer
wakes up saying "truck"
and "race"

so clever
don't asked to be picked up
but for a "huggie"
and "walk"

talks so much
oh wow
firetruck
see it, hold it, find it
brown and black
counts one, two, three, four

learning so much
emotionally sensitive
to anyone's laugher
suspicious
it's at his expense
detects
minor changes in tone
or mood

hits himself
and his head
to show frustration
and disapproval

we miss each other
the lord and i
we hardly see each other
anymore
we're growing apart
ever since
i started teaching again

i knew this would happen
i held out
as long as i could
with no money left
and bills to pay
i have no choice

teaching esl
to older korean ladies
and other immigrants
i talk way too fast
and too much
for them to learn anything
i know very little about grammar
so its stressful in a way
yet i enjoy the company
they are really hard working
trying to improve their lives

the previous teacher
leslie
died suddenly
i benefited
from her misfortune
by getting her job
while her young three children
suffer
without their mother

life is so short
and unbearable

my own demise
might be here soon
an ending I crave
an ending I need
an ending
to thought

and a new beginning
absent of thought