change is constant

the child
has changed
divorce affects everyone

he's more quiet
subdued
lost
in his own world
but
the tears are harder
to console as well
he gets hurt easily
upset often
rarely smiles
the joyful laughter
of childhood
the dolphin sound
is gone

uncle danny
has a new dog
a small black and white
female puppy
oreo
it is so attached to him
it cries when danny leaves
i have to calm it down
it licks his toes
and face
and chases the child
to do the same
good times again

the child likes
music
to sing
play with cars and trucks
use the water hose
fill up buckets and a pool
sprinklers
roof-vent fans
to push a car
ride a bike
color with chalk and crayon
dig dirt
watch tv
eat
read
and more
the same as any other child

its strange
having a part-time dad
sometimes he points out
mommy and daddy on tv
i remind him
baby jaguar only has a mommy


sometimes he says
mommy and daddy
in succession
when we are together
briefly for the exchange
of the child
he remembers
being a family
and longs to have it again

this hurts so much
i am unable to sleep
or get any rest
a psychological break
from this lost

i've had other major changes
mom leaving home when i was 11
me leaving guyana and a girlfriend at 15
losing another girlfriend after seven years at 28
and a wife after fourteen years at 45

each situation was different
but i was floored the same
it took two years
each time
to recover
but recover i did
and recover i will

there will be more changes
losses to bear
i remain flexible
open to change

otherwise
one gets trapped in the past
and becomes unwilling to change
caught
in endless conflict
in endless thought

moving on

yesterday was friday
and the child slept late
with them
i saw him only after 4:30pm
when he awoke from a nap
we spent three hours
three real short hours
playing
watching tv
eating

she came promptly
at 8pm
then he had to go
with me in tears
when they left
as when they came

the child wonders
why is daddy crying
because "i miss you"
i explain
"because i see so little of you"
the child does not understand
poor jad

the next day
with pleading voice
a child on the phone
many times saying
"wanna see daddy"
"wanna see daddy"
so insistent that she
offered to switch days
to see daddy today

but daddy has moved far away
and can no longer see baby
on a whim

the child must bury pain
attachment
desire
longing
dare i say "love"

for the other
for wholeness
normalcy
a father

but no
not in this life

in this manifestation
this 2 year old
must develop
enormous patience
submission
subservience
and wait for days
to see his father

it must be made to realize
that maintaining feelings
for dad
will only result in pain
until it can cultivate
hate
disgust
loathing
and mirror their feelings

until then
the child's paternal affection
represents a threat
a son' love
hints at a reality
very different
from the script the child
is supposed to learn
it must be extinguished

what a conundrum
to place a child into
who can blame them
for acting out
and shutting down
it may be vital
and necessary
for their own psychic survival
to help them cope
with endless conflict
with endless thought

allergic

two and a half years old
with allergies
poor child
taken away from daddy
for four months
now suffering
like your mom

daddy doesn't have allergies
when you were with daddy
you didn't have it either

what does it say
about the care you are receiving
and the environment you live in

your mom claims
all she wants to do
is to take care of you
her only reason for living
is now to give you a great life
one much greater than daddy can
and without a thought for herself

you miss your dad
but you hear criticism of him all day
you're still attached to him
but you're learning to hate him as well
like the others
and hate yourself as a result

ah the joys of childhood

will she question
her own actions
which result in allergies
for both of you

will she ever leave
the toxic environment
of her family and friends
to save her own

will she ever own up
to the damage and harm
she's causing you
in destroying your family

in four months
you haven't grown at all
you've lost weight
and regressed in many ways
you now face
a lifetime of suffering
from allergies

the cause of allergies
are complex
this breakdown of the immune system
is part biological
environmental
and psychological

stress is the biggest factor

whatever happened to the term
carefree childhood

poor child
at two and a half
you're already trapped
in endless stress
endless conflict
endless thought