division

sunny day on the beach
the sea lion
perch on a rock
dogging big waves
two dolphins swim
soft feet on sand
searching for rocks
the mother heals

division
powerful word
why are we divided
who are we divided from

an animal
beautiful body
engaged with life
in survival and sex

but there is a dark witness
watching over the body's pursuit
of survival and sex
this darkness seeks continuity
of itself

the witness thinks constantly
steps to the center
fantasizing it is the center

life ends
the weird image flashes mindlessly
until it dies from exhaustion

division ends
the body continues
as other parts of life

the open door

foggy day last time
we visited a museum
saw superman coming through a wall
made the coyote howl
spun the fan
dug for pots
went into the mountains
then to the lagoon
watched hundreds of birds
pelicans, coots and ducks
an egret and cormorants

today was colder
but we ventured out
and landed in a tide pool
with thousands of clams and anemones
a few hermit crabs
and sitting on the end of the rocks
a giant sea lion
after a long nap
dinner with a vegan group
many famous women
all in love with the child

each day is glorious
it is wonderful to be alive
to share life with a heavenly child
even though it gets tiring after six hours
it does take a village
and its not fair for a child
to not even have a nuclear family
a single dad raising a child
i have to create a community from scratch
starting with the beach
the ocean mother
the few animals that's left
these are the relatives
a child needs most to see

wonder

absolutely beautiful day
sunny with no wind
70 degrees warm
big waves
crashing onto the beach
the horizon to infinity

we played in the sand
construction site
with dump truck
cement truck
and crane truck
the child played
for two hours
slept
then played again
for another two hours
mostly alone
yet never wants to leave

slowly
each day near the sea
the universal mother soothes
filling us with nothing
leaving no trace
parting without tears

at three
the child hardly eats food
has a sweet tooth and desire sweets
candy, cake, soda
enjoys fruit
likes fried rice
soup and noddles
sometimes indian lentil and rice
chinese vegetables and rice

understands time
"i have to wait all day for dada"
likes singing
"abcdefg..."
makes up melodies and songs
know feelings
"i told grandma, i didn't feel good"
"you cried for me, dada?"
excellent recall
names people and animals
cartoon plots
what happened last night
what we did the last time together

amazing how much stuff is there already
soaks everything up
likes to run, jump and exercise
explore and look for different things

when the child was born
something happened to me
i was reborn as well
i didn't feel i had to change
it happened naturally
after a long absence
i started writing again
and awoke my creative side
it was important for both of us

one of my greatest role models
rachel carson said
“If a child
is to keep alive
his inborn sense of wonder
without any such gift from the fairies
he needs the companionship
of at least one adult
who can share it,
rediscovering with him
the joy,
excitement
and mystery
of the world
we live in”

the child is mine
i am doing what is right
for both of us
more important that any career
i must help him
keep a sense of wonder
by continually rediscovering life
with him

losing attachment

windy cold day
gray and cloudy
36 hours is an eternity
for a child on a seconds clock
enough to go from love to hate
from one daddy day to the next

fussy child
resenting being thrown out
of mother and home
to a lone stranger
preferring grandma
crying to go back to mommy

mixed blessings
losing attachment to a father
children aren't as sad
over destruction of family
and remain clueless
to paternal pain
thankfully they're in the moment
whatever it is
still too young
to cultivate sorrow

we stop at a dog park
dozens of animals
large and small
white, brown and black
most are from a shelter
spending a few hours outside a cage
happy to be alive
acting the same
its funny to see
owners treating one as special
children are no different

walking to the beach
warm sand
using blocks
watching trucks
gathering wild flowers
sleeping to the sound of waves
never wanting to leave
cupcakes are a huge draw
thank god for vegan restaurants
nine and a half hours later
saying goodbye to a new friend
hugging him one last time
attached for the moment

how do these daily changes
uncertainly
difference
rejection
abandonment
affect a growing psyche
and fuel conflict in the world

so many more things
can be done for a child
within a community
dad alone can do so much
mom is tired all the time
showing only hate and anger
for each other
the realities of modern life
where children are valued
in terms of future accumulation
who cares damn how they get through the day

thought is ready to give up
wishing for a childless past
freedom for someone else fantasies
life before this living hell
to cut loose from the careless finger
toying with the yo-yo of fatherhood

assuming they know how the enemy feels
fathers are quick to receive superior wisdom
from other divorced mothers
filled with cruel irony
revealing the utter futility of their enterprise
"life goes on" -
and so it does
second after painful second
"it gets better" -
i suppose there is a difference
between 99 and 100 degrees water
i should be thankful that one leaves me
with slightly less severe burns
"hang in there" -
this one is just plain cruel
as if it's meant to be taken literally
advice this self delusional
regurgitated from the depths
of thought's selfishness
i can do without
and thankfully never received
for a man in the same predicament

at the end of the visit
all that matters
is missing a child
and waiting patiently
to see which one will show up
the next time
after being worked over and worked up
for another 36 hours
into father-hating thoughts
the only antidote for which
is another beautiful daddy day

fear is not love

las fores canyon
high above the ocean
has cool mountain air
sharp and crisp
flowing gently as you nap
it is very quiet
as the sea reaches infinity
a heavenly blueness
as far as you can see
we return below
tracing the river's path
to a wooded park
and noisy parrots
green as young leaves
great at camouflage

so too is thought
in human affairs
the grandpowers returned
from vacation
and the child's mother
is back into hate
eviscerating sorrow
it is much preferred
how pathetic is gendered thought
fearfully watching
as two patriarchies compete
to death
waiting to pick up the pieces
as the child splits apart

using fear
to legitimize irrationality
and browbeat fathers
threathening to regularly drug test a child
to challenge paternal rights
using hate
to legitimize abuse
and alienate children
from the inside out

mothers are conveniently clueless
about this psychological damage
thought is ambivalent
immoral

who is to blame
for child abuse
how does one protect a child
from all forms of abuse

every night
for several years
i was sexually abused
by a man
my mother's cousin
in a bed a few doors away
mere feet from her own

later
for whatever reasons
i was abandoned
for more years
left with a stranger
my father
a man i was taught to hate
and who i still blame
for everything
as my child does me

mothers claim innocence
all is done
with good intentions
for the best interest of the child
who gains a penny
and loses a soul
convenient cluelessness

simple decisions
made by thought as adults
may appear harmless
but they have powerful effects
and lasting impact
on innocent children
thought couldn't be bothered
as it pursues the next fear
the next hate

trapped in thought
you can sit on a beach for hours
and not see the sand
hear the ocean
or see a wave
until you find a hill
and start to jump down
one more last time