welcoming the unknown

they told me marriage was a give and take,
well, show me you can take you've got some giving to do.
and now you tell me that you're having my baby,
i'll tell you that i'm happy if you want me to...
one step further and my back will break,
if my best isn't good enough
than how can it be good enough for two?
i can't work any harder than i do...
somebody tell me,
won't you tell me...
why i work so hard for you?

evenings approach
earlier
as fall steps in
the nights are cooler
and there is a wind

the banana tree
at the side of the house
just inside the gate,
has turned into a nest
with over twenty trees
of all sizes
and lots of shoots
the original tree
is the tallest
taller than the house
with a huge bunch of fruit
another tree
much smaller
has a bunch as well
the sap stains
all that it touches

little buddha is new
every moment
and every day
he is such a joy
i can only call him heaven

working 10-12 hour days
during the week
i don't get to see jaddi much
when we sees each other
we both light up
and become in a trance
i rush into the house
and just hold him tight

i never "loved"
anything
or anyone
all of my life

i "love" siddartha
when i see him
my troubles melt away
thought stops for a moment

my baby is so beautiful
a tender flower
on a vibrant vine
flowing in the wind

jad likes to be spun around
on the bed
and likes it
when i make funny sounds
or faces
he still likes "shak attack"
he makes lots of sounds
himself

today
for the first time
a little over seven months
he started crawling
he figured out
how to move his right foot
before
he would slide the left foot forward
but then always tried to stand up
with his right foot
or it would get caught
behind the left foot
but today
he made the right foot lower
and half walk
half crawled
on the right foot
then slid the left forward again
movement for sure
but he still falls alot

gautam cries when too long outside
or when he is too tired
or hungry
he is beginning to discern
family and strangers
and no longer smiles
at everyone he sees
but observes them curiously
and gets upset
when they try to hold him

sush works so hard
taking care of him day
and night
i am trying to start a new career
as a real estate salesman
in a down market
with few buyers
and even less sellers

do i have the perseverance
to stick it out?
or is it irresponsible
to not be earning any money
while starting a family?

i will not fail
the mother is with me
always and forever
she has entrusted to me
the loving care
of her most precious child
and she will see to it
that my lord is well provided for
i am endless joy
i am the universe
i am all
and nothing
i will not stop trying
i am open to the unknown
i am being blessed
i am the unknown