dear son
ten days
after being served
divorce papers
dad lost hope
he's weak
he's a loser
dad lost hope
for you
for mom
for himself
hope's a precious thing, son
but one that's not meant for us
i'm sorry i couldn't give it to you
you must not have it for yourself
it'll only make you more miserable
hope of being a family
together
hope of salvation
for each one of us
your mom and dad
have always been lost causes
dad had hoped
his son's life would be different
but divorce brought
the fire of destruction
into your fragile life
and burned everything in its path
you'll only know sorrow
pain and lost in life
a burning child
constantly seeking
relief
trapped in escape
like his dad
outside
the scorched earth
generates new life
inside
human relationships
become static
like fossils
you, mom and dad
are caught in the past
with no time or energy
for novelty
for renewal
for growth
for ending thought
my sweet child
poor little buddha
ah, what could have been
you're mortal now
mom has to have everything
her friends have or had
a designer wedding
designer children
and not long after
a designer divorce
sixty percent of marriages end in divorce
seventy percent are filed by women
on the advice of well-meaning friends
family, lawyers, and therapists
interested in hearing only her side
mom accused dad
of financially irresponsibility
which required legal separation
dad offered all they had to mom
the two rentals and the house
everything they'd acquired
for thirteen years
even to pay mom rent
just to let him stay upstairs
to remain in the home
where you were born
where he helped with your birth
to not be a part-time dad
to raise you as a full-time father
just like the one she had
far from perfect
but always there
findings about the long-term effects of divorce
speak for themselves
except in very extreme conflict-ridden families
and most families do not fit this criterion
children are better off
when their parents stay married
children are more likely to finish school
and avoid problems such as drug abuse
and delinquent behavior
more likely to have good marriages themselves
even if a parent is happier
as a result of divorce
there is no "trickle down effect"
children still struggle emotionally
regardless of how the parent feels
married men make better fathers
they are more likely to provide guidance
role modeling
and financial support
marriage is good for most adults
depression
is almost three times as prevalent
in women who divorce once
and four times as prevalent
in women who divorce twice
than in women who have never divorced
mom knows all this
yet she chose to walkaway
she did not agree
to let dad stay
she wanted out
out of the marriage
to be away from dad
out of commitment to family
in the early years of marriage
there was more closeness
both mom and dad were busy working
they did manage to spend a little time together
when you came alone
the emotional connection changed
mom and dad had you
a substitute for each other
plus now
dad had to serve
the emotional needs of two
before
dad couldn't even meet the need of one
mom told dad
"you don't value our relationship anymore"
"we never do anything together"
"why do you always put work ahead of me"
instead of recognizing mom's need
for more closeness
dad felt nagged and withdrew
emotionally and physically
mom become frustrated
she tried another approach
complaining about dad's lack of involvement
in everything else in their lives
"i feel like a single parent"
"you only care about writing your book"
"why don't you ever lift a finger around the house" "
"why do i have to do everything by myself."
mom was trying to get dad's attention
but dad recoiled
after months and years of this negative interaction
mom finally gave up
she convinced herself
she would be better off
"i've tried everything"
"divorce has got to be better than this"
"i'll find somebody who cares about me"
"even if i don't, i'm so alone in this marriage"
"i can't take it anymore"
"i know i'll be happier without him"
and with that
she gave up hope
and planed her escape
the marital coffin
was nailed shut
the tragedy of the situation
is that this was the point
at which dad finally understood
the depth of mom's unhappiness
and wanted to make genuine changes
he was willing to do back flips
to keep their marriage and family together
he was finally ready
to do the kind of deep-searching
that would make having a great marriage possible
but by that point
mom have built an impenetrable wall around her
one that was impervious to dad's efforts to change
and it was divorce, full speed ahead
mom thought divorce was the best for you
but she was wrong
and for the rest of your life
you'll try to prove to her
she was wrong
by destroying yourself
dear son
don't take it out on yourself
losing dad
and paying the price
for mom's anger
is self-punishment enough
besides, its hopeless
mom will always refuse to see
how much you bleed inside
she'll never understand
why you 're such a loser
hopeless
just like dad
