ten ways to become a better dad

ten ways to become a better dad (or soon, a divorced one)
by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board, July 2006
commentary by a divorced dad

1. Be more active
This father was in the birth pool and served as a primary caregiver from day one. He gave the child a daily bath for a year, and changed diapers on the hour. Then, the maternal grandmother took over bathing, and the father was relegated to the position of secondary caregiver. Soon after, the child's mother filed for separation, and the father was turned into a highly inactive, and very part time, child care provider.

2. Get more practice
Single fathers need their children to practice fathering skills and emotional ties. Facing loneliness, father's develop other relationships which then start to influence the father-child one.

3. Take pride in the special way you are with your kids
Thanks largely to runaway mothers, divorced dads are forced to keep their distance from their children until scheduled time, which results in unbearable emotional pain. There is nothing special about this feeling. The end of visitation time, when fathers must say goodbye to a tearful child, is the most difficult time. Fathers are supposed to protect children from hurt and pain, but at that moment, fathers are reminded of their failure to prevent the injury of divorce from damaging their children.

4. Be emotionally available to your children
Recently divorced children have no choice but to depend on fathers for emotional support. However, fathers are in an emotional crisis themselves at this time, and are often ashamed and reluctant to seek help. Unwilling to share their own feelings, and lacking empathy and support from others as a result, fathers are suffocated by their emotions. They shut down emotionally in order to lessen their pain and function on a daily basis. And in order to take charge and recover from this, the greatest blow to their egos ever, that is, the loss of their family, fathers quickly learn to cultivate distance and ambivalence towards their children. To do otherwise might leave fathers emotionally and socially crippled.

5. Be a partner, not a helper
If fathers have to share responsibility for the household and childcare duties in an active fashion, mothers must likewise share financial responsibilities such as earning income, family and business communications, paying bills, arranging for repairs, landscaping, planning recreation and vacations, etc.

6. Be available for the day-to-day
This requires non-custodial fathers to maintain close relationships with angry and spiteful ex-wives. Like most people, fathers tire of daily verbal abuse, and limit their interaction to a minimum. After all, what's the point in being divorced if you have to continue to fight every day?

7. Show respect for your partner
It's hypocritical to expect a father to recognize all the ways in which his partner keeps the family running, and respect all the decisions she makes, including the one to break the family up.

8. Be aware of the need to communicate
After separation, a father's ability and motivation to be an engaged parent hinges upon the mercy of the courts.

9. Know your legal rights
Even if you're eligible for family leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act, think carefully before using it. Many fathers find that instead of temporarily leaving a job, this short-term lack of financial contribution leads to divorce, and to them permanently leaving their family. They should call it the Wife and Marriage Leave Act.

10. Stay involved after separation and divorce
The conclusion of a list no doubt compiled by a woman. After setting mothers up for disappointment and divorce, they state that fewer than 15 percent of fathers receive shared or joint custody of their children after divorce, and blame non-custodial fathers for "slowly fading out of their children's lives." It is articles like this that cause men to go from 100 percent fathering to a couple of hours of child care on weekends.


The author(s) are clear. Men are the problem. Sixty-percent of women on their first, second, and third divorce, can't be wrong.