down days with daddy

it's a full moon
and i don't care
i haven't a peaceful moment
to stop and notice

it breaks your heart
to see a two-year old child
purposefully hitting his head
on the hard floor
willfully hurting himself
in frustration
and emotional pain

its already been two hours
half way through daddy time
it's part-time dad for the day
five hours of single fatherhood
yip-pee its not

we've already gone through
a stale diego dvd
and its coming up on your nap time
you must be ready for our routine
i lie to you about going to the park
i give you candy to get you to stop crying
we fight over getting into the car seat
and i drive around until you fall asleep
some days i'm lucky
i return home
transfer you onto my bed
and you stay asleep
but many days you wake up
and cry until you see your mother
hours later
you miss nursing yourself to sleep
its the only true escape you have
from the pain of a broken heart

it really kills me
when you apologize later
"sorry daddy
sorry i cried daddy"

such guilt for a child of two
is too much to bear

dear child
you are not responsible
for your parents' happiness
or lack of it
your crying did not cause
your parents to divorce
dear child
you should be free to cry
without ever feeling afraid
that you'll lose another parent
you're only two
poor child
feeling guilty so soon
when you've got such a long way to go
decades of guilt to come
don't start so soon
its not your fault
mom and dad are the ones to blame
not you dear child
your tears haven't cause their divorce
in the slightest way

despite all i say
you still feel emotional pain
confusion
anger
frustration
sadness
moodiness
self destruction
resentment
shame
loss of interest
lack of joy in life

i cannot save you from any of this
i cannot save you
from the madness
that comes from motherhood in america
from the sense of
possession
ownership
self-entitlement
self-righteousness
and power
women feel after childbirth

i cannot save you
from being used
selfishly
by your mother
to give herself a sense of
purpose
comfort
satisfaction
meaning
accomplishment
and affection
to make up for a lifetime
of suffering
pain
and loss

nor can i save you
from the eternal attachment
a mother feels
to that part of her body
to what was inside her for nine months
regardless of how many years
you spend outside of her womb
you will never be free from this attachment

you are stuck inside your mother
she owns you 100 percent
and her pride will never allow her
to put you first
her ego
like all thought
will never allow itself
to be placed aside
not for you
and certainly not for me
you are a prisoner of a mother's ego
and it will never allow you
to be free
despite how much you or i suffer
in fact our suffering
only strengthen its resolve

dear child
i'm sorry to tell you
but the truth is
in this life
everyone wants you to suffer

we all benefit from your misfortune
poor thing
from your broken heart
and misery
we all want your pain to continue
to grow and expand
the more depressed you are
the happier everyone else are

your father
uses your pain
to reassure himself
everyday
that he was right
he uses your unhappiness
to claim higher moral ground
and to hypothetically prove
to no one that cares
that you would have been better off
living with him
poor child
your forsaken dad
uses your pain
to abandon all relationship
to become completely selfish
he uses your sorrow
as an excuse to be lazy
to endlessly play the victim
and to wallow in self destruction
in failing hope of causing guilt
in your mother
and you

your mom and dad
want you to suffer
dear child
despite what we say
and how much we claim
that we want you to be happy
we are all liars
everyone around you
wants you to be unhappy
and they have succeeded
so ignore the formulaic responses
look beyond their fake smiles
examine the actions of those around you
poor thing
everyone wants you
to experience the most horrible life
its only natural
its only human
its only thought

oh sure
there is something inside
that feels slight compassion
upon hearing about another's loss
but that moment is fleeting
and is soon lost forever
replaced by a perverse interest
in seeing others suffer
in "sharing" their deep emotional pain

even our closest "friends"
want our suffering to continue
misery loves company
and knowing that you are miserable
makes others feel
that their own suffering
is much easier to bear
so they enjoy watching you suffer
despite what they say
no one can stand to see another happy
since it proves their own inadequacy

dear child
your mother
and many other women
is like a lose canon
with no self control
over her own depression
and lack of satisfaction
in desperation
she has shot me
and she will continue to shoot you
as long as you live
until she realizes
that she is responsible
for her own happiness
not you or i

as long as your mother
seeks the advice and comfort
of her "friends" and others
to solve her own unhappiness
her "friends" will keep you both in misery

don't ever expect to be happy
among others
unless happy themselves
and who is, really

your friends' jealously
like your mom's
will eventually get the better of them
and they will betray your "friendship"
and seek to cause you harm
to make you unhappy
to have you suffer
and be miserable
like them
then you will become
like them
and seek to cause others
to be sad
the cycle of pain
and suffering
continues
its natural
its human
its thought