five percent

how winter kills...

the rain and cold
keeps us inside
we suffer in boredom
and miss the beach

we're sick
again
me and my child
i can't remember
him going a week
without being sick

divorce is a death sentence
for the emotional well being of children
and this mental sickness
affects our health

sometimes
it takes a while
for me to digest news
about my child

what can a 10% dad do
for a child that demands 110%
from both parents

i feel like rameses
helplessly staring at his son
who slowly withers on his alter
suffering from the wrath of god

now at 5 percent on the growth chart
in the extreme percentile range
my child withers
from the wrath of his maternal family's
opposition to his father

my two year old child
with teeth less than a year old
already has cavities
and suffers from tooth pain
i'm 45 and have never had a cavity
or needed dental care

is it too much
to expect mothers
to prepare
three fresh meals a day
for a pre-schooler

many enlightened american women
would rather shop
and line up to protest such views
than cook for their children
while poor third world women
with no time or money
would beg for a chance to do so
and would consider it a sin
for women to be able to afford it
and not at least pay
to have fresh meals made
for young children

in our pursuit of wealth
and freedom
we have gained much
while placing our children
on rameses' alter
to the lord of darkness

crash and burn

i discovered this song
by nadia ali
"crash and burn"
that i just can't stop
listening to
and thanks to youtube
i listen to five extended mixes
plus the original
for hours

nadia is a great writer
and her song arrived
at the right time
in my life
re-opening an awareness
that had gotten loss
over many years
in attachment

more than anything else
the holidays must be
a time for forgiveness
especially to those closest
our family and friends

nadia's voice is emotional
and her words true and real
in many ways
with its simple
and universal chorus
her song
changed my thinking
this festive season

the mostly techo remixes
are addictive
and grooving
especially iio's remix
the story of this remix is in the video
it's the story of nadia's discovery by iio
and then of her going solo
and scoring a hit with this song
and here's iio remixing
his lost star's song
just like the song

yet it feels like she wrote
and sang
this beautiful song
just for me

and
reminded of the futility
and pervasiveness of conflict
in all my relationships
i am finally coming to terms
with my anger

anger at myself
and anger at others
for relationship lost
as nadia reminds us
that's a risk we run...

--------------------------------------------

Crash and Burn
by Nadia Ali

You knew me better than anyone ever
And I remember your very first letter
We were so young and all that we wanted was more
We feed each other like rebels on Harley's
And I knew how to enter your body
But at the speed that we drove we were bound to wash out
We flew...
And I could read every word you were thinking
You gave me something I never was given
It was heaven and hell all at once as we laughed, and cried
There always needs to be one that is willin'
To throw a rope down to someone who's slippin'
But sometimes you gotta know when to let it go...
[x2]
We flew, rockets to the sun
Knowin' we'd crash and burn
That's the risk we run when you fall, in love

beautiful son

ken oak band
played some favorite tunes
on third street promenade
nothing like a live cello
on a cold winter day
we sat and listened
until you fell asleep
in my arms

dear son
let me remind you
just in case i forgot
to mention today
that you are
the greatest son
in the whole wide world
the best child
a father could ever ask for
far better
than everyone
every place
every idea
and everything else
i've ever known

its amazing
how something so beautiful
as you are in every way
could come from two ugly
and vile creatures
as me and your mom

there's nothing more important
than spending time with you
my love
each second with you
gives me warmth
meaning and purpose
makes me feel wholesome
and pure
each moment in your arms
is precious
and right
like the moment was meant to be
our two bodies feel in balance again

watching you move
with the joy of discovery
is like watching
a jaguar walk
an elephant sit
a dolphin talk
the ocean play
it's like watching
the sun hop
the moon skip
and the stars dance
you are all these things
and more

even as the world around you
collapses
through no fault of your own
you remain gentle and kind
humble and forgiving
and intelligent
and though i worry constantly
you never exceed boundaries
and always play safely

you are smart
with great understanding
and compassion
and you're learning
life's facts
quickly
but far too young

i wished you didn't know
at two years old
the importance of money
and its vital role
in destroying your family
how the bird died
at grandma's house
and how daddy has to go
and speak to a judge
in order to see you more often
you understand these things
for good or bad
it's what life is
better get used to it
life only gets worse

when i'm all laid out
flat on my back
in a sprawling city
without a relative or friend
cramped from being at a computer
days and nights on end
lonely and frustrated
over work and art
you'd pick me right up
and make me realize
why i'm living each day
- don't give up dada

i will never give up
on you my child
i will do whatever it takes
to spend more time with you
to share myself with you
and to show you
as much as i can
this wonderful and cruel world
and in doing so
to learn from you
how to respond
to our mother earth
with innocence and humility
son, you are
and always will be
the best baby
in the whole wide world

student of reality

what does it mean
to be a divorced father
and non-custodial parent
of young children
how does separation affect
the parent-child relationship
and a single father's confidence
in the idealized world
of the nuclear family

children feel betrayed
and are rightfully upset
at biological fathers
for the loss of their family
a child's anger emerges from
the pain of separation
and after being fed daily
one-sided stories about dad
a two-year blames dad
and responds by throwing toys
and screaming
- i'm mad at you
- shame on you

innocent children
who do not understand
the adult world
of power and greed
and are taught to repeat
mantras of self hate
will naturally act out
as a way of reconciling
contradictory feelings
about their father
and at a subconscious level
their own internalized paternal hate
may aid in limiting
the painful attachment
to an unattainable desire
a reconciled family

children also blame themselves
and hear others around them
blame them for the breakup
they live with the guilt
of destroying their own family
and with the knowledge
of their own powerlessness
to do anything about their family

non-custodial fathers
who lose the battle over possession
and are reduced to a token presence
in their children lives
also feel the loss of family
perhaps most of all
they face the wrath
of mother and children
and the shame of failure
in the eyes of friends and family
mothers sit under a halo
of blamelessness in every way
after all who would believe
a mother would do something
to harm her child
it's always the man's fault

facing insurmountable odds
and overwhelming public opinion
of presumed guilt
men's only hope to deflect blame unto mothers
is through substitution
of wife and family
to become part of the cycle
of revolving guilt and shifting blame
these fathers usually develop hate
and shut down
towards the previous, broken families

some fathers
realizing the futility of this cycle
refuse to perpetuate it further
others lacking resources to pay support
or mount an effective counter attack
against a legal system
based on paternal marginalization
capitulate completely to mothers
and abandon all parental rights
they develop a thick skin
through practicing
disattachment
withdrawal
self-absorption
they figure when the child turns 18
they'll come looking for them anyways

regardless of response
divorced fathers usually avoid
any hint of guilt
blame
and self examination
and pass up
perhaps their best opportunity
to end conflict
and endless thoughts

broke but not broken

overcast day
cool fog blowing from the gray ocean
waves break suddenly
close to shore
rushing to the child
splashing in the puddle
reaching up short legs and knees
scaring dad

i haven't been here in a while
it hurts too much to even think of my child
i try not to think about him
when he's not around

we're only partially related now
18 hours a week
less than a day
with stretches of two days
alone

he's always excited to see me
and fights to stay in my arms
when leaving
but then she bribes him with something
and he gives up
and goes to mother

poor child
always having to choose
whether to chop off
his right arm or left
since he can never have both

why do mothers think
they can punish their children this way
and not suffer dire consequences
for generations

watching their children suffer
will result in endless guilt
their children will resent everyone
for a life spent in strife
and develop unhealthy relationships
the cycle will continue
and this pain will be revisited
all over again
from the other side

mothers may know a lot about creating life
but they are completely thoughtless
when it comes to understanding
and respecting
the feelings of the lifeforms they create
and those of their co-creators
such abuse of power
always ends up
abusing the minds of the powerful

speaking of abuse

i am penniless
i haven't earned any money
in four months
me and my child could use a bit of money
for food
yet the child's mother refuses to give me a cent
from my own rental property
since filing for divorce seven months ago

jad and i
spend a few precious hours together
we watch for trucks on the way home
enjoy diego while we eat
then go to the park and beach
we watch for doggie poo on the ground
pick flowers and birdie food
we feed the squirrel nuts
collect eucalyptus seeds
and play in the dirt

we climb down the long steps
and walk over the bridge
that crosses pch
and watch trucks and motorcycles
pass underneath
we walk down to the sand
push in the swing
walk to the water
look for sandcastles
collect shells
splash in puddles
dry off and head back to the swings
climb up and over the bridge
all the way back up the cliff
walk along the park
and blocks over to daddy's new home
alot of exercise
all the while
breathing ocean air

we eat some more
watch diego
play with cars
and it time to go
to drive to cerritos
daddy's old home

i go over the same route
alone to the park and beach
without my child
staring at the ocean
ending attachment
ending thought