what does it mean
to be a divorced father
and non-custodial parent
of young children
how does separation affect
the parent-child relationship
and a single father's confidence
in the idealized world
of the nuclear family
children feel betrayed
and are rightfully upset
at biological fathers
for the loss of their family
a child's anger emerges from
the pain of separation
and after being fed daily
one-sided stories about dad
a two-year blames dad
and responds by throwing toys
and screaming
- i'm mad at you
- shame on you
innocent children
who do not understand
the adult world
of power and greed
and are taught to repeat
mantras of self hate
will naturally act out
as a way of reconciling
contradictory feelings
about their father
and at a subconscious level
their own internalized paternal hate
may aid in limiting
the painful attachment
to an unattainable desire
a reconciled family
children also blame themselves
and hear others around them
blame them for the breakup
they live with the guilt
of destroying their own family
and with the knowledge
of their own powerlessness
to do anything about their family
non-custodial fathers
who lose the battle over possession
and are reduced to a token presence
in their children lives
also feel the loss of family
perhaps most of all
they face the wrath
of mother and children
and the shame of failure
in the eyes of friends and family
mothers sit under a halo
of blamelessness in every way
after all who would believe
a mother would do something
to harm her child
it's always the man's fault
facing insurmountable odds
and overwhelming public opinion
of presumed guilt
men's only hope to deflect blame unto mothers
is through substitution
of wife and family
to become part of the cycle
of revolving guilt and shifting blame
these fathers usually develop hate
and shut down
towards the previous, broken families
some fathers
realizing the futility of this cycle
refuse to perpetuate it further
others lacking resources to pay support
or mount an effective counter attack
against a legal system
based on paternal marginalization
capitulate completely to mothers
and abandon all parental rights
they develop a thick skin
through practicing
disattachment
withdrawal
self-absorption
they figure when the child turns 18
they'll come looking for them anyways
regardless of response
divorced fathers usually avoid
any hint of guilt
blame
and self examination
and pass up
perhaps their best opportunity
to end conflict
and endless thoughts
