premonitions

azul, verde and rojo
flowers in bloom
hot summer day
cool off shore breeze
sunset over the mountains
dead bird on the beach

torn between two sides
jad is learning self-hate
"daddy, you are a bad man"
"you are not good"
"is mommy going to run away today?"
so much turmoil
for one so young
and if the family war wasn't enough
he's tossed out of the house
forced into church-run daycare
three days a week, all day
8 am to 6 pm
with male predators lurking around
spending more time with strangers
than with his own daddy

emotionally deteriorating
he takes it out on everyone
jad is the school bully
and i am prevented from visiting
to find out who he fights with
and why

today we crossed paths
after i dropped jad off at the house
heading to the police station
to get a copy of a police report
she was going to the library next door
and claimed i was stalking her
she ran inside the station to make a report
she had all of their ears
bored, they liked listening to her sorrows
she flirts with the men
they allow her to file a domestic violence case
and they report me for creating a disturbance
at the police station
the disturbance was her asking
to file a case against me
i never said a word to her

i was there to pay for a report
which i then learned
they had declined to file
of her abandoning the child at 7:00pm
one night the previous week
after leaving us outside for three hours
she ran out of the house
into a friend's awaiting car
speeding off from a screaming child
rather than satisfy her custodial duties
trying to force me to do overnights
but now claiming she was scared of me
why didn't she call the police then
every time i pick up my son now
she threatens to call the police
every time
but that night she couldn't?

gearing up to go to court again
she's changed her tune on overnights now
her new story is
"i am not going to allow overnights"
"you need to have a separate room for him"
"you are an unfit father"

all this conflict
due to "maternal love"
playing with fire daily
burning the child in the process
continually making attempts
to end paternal relationship
the final solution
of selfish gendered minds
who can't stand a child's innocence
questioning their hateful existence
daily
they may succeed
after birth
daddy's are an expendable commodity

how much mothers changed
before the birth
she was obsessed with languages
and wanted him to learn four or five languages
and planned all these different activities
she had him learning to sign at two months
but then the divorce came at two years
now all he learns is curses
police and court language
poor child
already trapped in thought at three
never had a chance to be any different
and maybe losing daddy

blessed by sorrow

living on the coast
allows you to escape
inland heat
running, biking, skating, walking
people are more relaxed
friendly

i got the greatest gift today
my child for a few hours
he curses a lot
i don't care and ignore it
likes playing with trucks
and mixing liquids
says the saddest things
"no one loves me"
"i like only you"

sometimes
divorced dads need a break
from the agony of co-parenthood
from the raging battle
over a three year old
watching helplessly
as a child's life
rolls down hill
faster and faster
the destruction gaining momentum
on an energy of its own

as if by design
the drama unfolds
in every possible way
for empty egos
to fill themselves
with self-induced pain
in order to gain sympathy
with false friendship

narrow minds
filled with hate
become very predictable
today i was told
the exchange point was changed
to the police station
poor child
the white desk officer was sympathetic
saying this required court orders

and as fate would have it
i got arrested by an asian cop
a few hours later
for riding while black
for not having a bike license
the first such citation in santa monica
at the top of the california incline
reminds me of the importance of freedom
and anti-apartheid work
in order to do what i must
i have to stop being who i am

sorrow's cry is powerful
perhaps overwhelming
it is also healing
there were many attempts
over the years
opportunities to hear its urgent call
i broke down and listened
for months
but then i escaped
into someone else
and became deaf again
this time around
i stayed with it
got into it deeply
deeper than ever before
with no one around
and no chance to escape

suddenly one evening
as i drove in tears
it dawned upon me
that my pain was a lesson
sorrow is really universal
and if i continue to view it
as my own individual pain
i will live in illusion
feeding my ego
in self-pity

sorrow was transformed
there was a release of sorts
it doesn't have the same strength
not as paralyzing as before
i am free for a while