letter to santa

dear santa
i want toys
lots and lots of toys
colorful beads, stuffed animals
pop-up books, a green tent
dora, diego, all about dvds
connecting tracks and construction sets
a kitchen, utensils, action figures
bats and balls for all kinds of sports
jacks, hulla-hoops, jump-rope
crayons, diggers, tall cranes
racing computer games
a school and friends
who wouldn't call me names
fresh air and palm trees
sandy beaches but no global warming
poor people to get a home
no guns, wars or military
cousins to play with me
everyone to stop eating animals
a nice daddy without a beard
but santa i know i've been bad
and if i can't have anything
then can i just sit beside mommy
watching her smile happily

sorrow's cry

last weekend was special
our first overnight
followed this weekend
with two nights sleepover
over 50 hours together
friday afternoon to sunday afternoon

jad is good at so many things
memory
rhyming words
explaining how stuff works
guessing the motivations of others
balancing on my shoulders
riding with training wheels
imaginative play
and on and on

we went to a fair
in eldorado park
our first scary ride
left us both with headaches
bumper cars was fun though

but just when he'd become
well-adjusted to life again
the helpless child has to leave
and things start to go downhill
on back to all-day school monday
by tuesday, he's mal-adjusted
raving mad again

unintelligible
on the phone
at 8 pm
crying inconsolably
today
four hours
after school visitation
was not enough
i sing a song
i promise to visit him in school tomorrow
he says lots of "bye"
mom sighs - oh jad
mom asks - do you feel better
"no" he replies

a boy really misses his father

"dad, i really really miss you"
"i want to live at your house all the time"
"i want to be with you only"
"i dream of you"
"i cry and cry for you"

how does one explain attachment
to a four year old child
who only knows sorrow
or a forty year old mother
who refuses to see his sorrow

trapped
between selfish parents
focused only on their physical survival
children born to joy and creative discovery
are starved emotionally
endless tears going unheeded
until they shrivel up inside
die emotionally
surviving on the life support
of escape
instant gratification
and endless desire

ptsd(ivorce)

heaps of rain
dancing puddles
air nice and fresh
trees rejoicing
dark clouds foreboding
scary thunder
sudden lightning

attachment is a curse
to a four year old boy
whose best friend is dad
paternal separation a constant trauma
the most important person in life
limited to a mere 8 hours visitation
during the work week
one night sleepover on weekends

tricked into being born
merely to live a daily drama
overflowing with tears
cheeks cold, wet and salty
trembling, breathing ... why
casted in this tragedy of sorrow
in this war over ownership
experiencing only manipulation and control
powerless and helpless
suffering from post-traumatic-stress from divorce
torn apart inside
but can't even throw a tantrum
before being called bad
and placed in time-out

fathers are typecast
strong as a rock
unemotional
impervious to feelings
uncaring
unattached
i am weak
cry easily and nonstop
trapped in compassion
for a suffering son
guilty and confused

reality never last long
self-pity is not being in the moment
with endless escapes
misery remains

things you shouldn't say to daddy

things you shouldn't say to daddy
especially as you're leaving
and never with tears in your eyes:

"dad, i want to stay with you only, all the time"

my poor child
too bad you miss daddy

you shouldn't have any feelings
for anyone
you will always be disappointed
you will always be alone

if you can't learn to be alone
to live alone
to accept loneliness
you will never be free
but instead
forever needy
fearful
and still lonely
money, violence or tears
will not help you

real freedom
is not temporary escape in desire
or longer escape in attachment
no
to be free
is to be free from the cycle
of desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

desire
attachment
loss

repeating the same thing
endlessly
the same loneliness
followed by
desperate hopes
and then the big shock
disappointment
loneliness again
a lifetime of tears
sorrow
pain

you are alone
no one can ever free you
from loneliness
freedom comes only thru acceptance
of being alone

school daze

oppressive heat is over
fall marine layers are back
cool morning clouds
crisp evening breeze
perfect weather

jad loves to ride
create wolf pup dens
with sofa cushions and pillows
covered with a sheet
light candles and incense
build construction sites
watch mechanical videos
rhyme words
create silly names
sing when he's really happy
make jokes
want to be a police

jad's mom petition in court
for full legal custody
extended twice
now set for january
as negotiations continue
through lawyers
and a psychologist

thank earth for vegan pediatricians
no vaccines for jad
low risk for serious complications
even for travel to india
no dairy for allergies
avoid gluten and sugar
inquired about homeschooling

four and a half
with full day at school
five days a week
8am to 3pm
poor child
the only minority
among middle class white children
half a hour from home
already sick this week
last school and year
sick 20 times
before she let him stay home
how many times will it take this time

gone are 6 hour daddy days
visitation is 3 - 6pm
commute time alone is 1 hour
dinner and bath another hour
routine triumphs everything

quality time with dad
less important than
a child machine
functioning like clockwork
throughout its day
doing the same activities
at the same time
day in and day out
day after day
programed into a robot
to accommodate parents' time
and adults' eternal quest
for more achievement and success

Eldorado Park

expecting nothing

overcast morning
summer flowers
cool breeze
holiday sunday
blissfully alone
life endless

calmly
observing
timelessly
a dove sits
on her eggs
in her nest
above the mailbox
a window into eternity
creation
evolution

can i live
each moment
without
a single expectation

thought captivates itself
at each moment
perpetuating its self-delusion
of relevance
necessity
fervently ignoring the moment
present
actuality
reality

igniting fear
insecurity
confusion
and endless desire
to escape
its own madness
through pleasure
lust
greed
power
projecting future
regurgitating past
glorifying ego
over and over
moment to moment
endlessly

in less than 300 years
a concentration of thought
and power
into patriarchy
ideology
technological capacity
creates another mass extinction
global warming
economic depression
increased pollution
decreasing resources
water conflicts
oil wars and oil spills
gulf of mexico dies
toxic vaccines
deforestation
genetically modified crops
factory farming of animals
animal experiments

and looking at all this
what is my responsibility
as a human
adult
father

how do i help my child
to have a better future
is money and family
all that is required

in court again
unwillingly
dragged back
by jad's mom petition
demanding
full legal custody
reduced visitation time
and a gag order
forbidding discussions
with my child
about our divorce
and 14 years of relationship

expecting nothing
staying in the moment
observing
being acutely aware
of global responsibility
i may
or may not
gain insight
into right livelihood
and right relationship
with my child
earth
humanity

la's world fest 0510

photos by jad 0510

uncertainty

hot and sunny weekend
cool wind in the air
invaded by people
ducks and coots vanish
from the park
camping and birthdays
cars and balloons
no place left
for the animals

short daddy day
ate and played games
until
"i have a great idea
let's go to the beach, daddy
let's take the piano
and all my trucks"
dressed
ready to go
all of a sudden
life came crashing down
a child gets hurt
bleeding
cut eyelids
tears and fear
for child and father
as i tried to stop the blood
"is my eye going to fall out
is my brain going to fall out
is it going to hurt a long time"

anguish and agony
band aids and hugs
child crying and then asleep
back to his owner
i tried to explain
through questions and threats
i didn't see what happened
its not a deep cut
he woke up crying
"no, i don't want to go"
but daddy day was over
she demanded her child back
i handed him over
begged to stay with him
to a closed door

with heavy heart
leaving slowly
to live with guilt and worry
pain of separation
uncertainty
fatherhood in question
inadequacy
needing a shoulder
having none
what have i done
am i bad for my child
is he better off
without a part-time dad

living in relationship

cold nights
heated by early afternoon
disturbed
by noise of traffic
of thought and man
music inspires
numbing the pain away
of living alone

a child in childhood
freed from time
greed
responsibility
loving to run
hide and seek
playing electronic games
a lover of trucks
coloring
mazes and puzzles
singing
bells, flutes and drumming
learning mechanics
daddy young again
in paradise
for the moment
but then in painful loss
bittersweet attachment
in relationship
then alone again

humans are not islands
life is relationship
especially when trying to live
an ethical life
within society's thoughtlessness
the reasonableness of eating animals
and the persecution of dissenters
a few delinking from the chain
reeling in pain
losing a child to diet
the logic of fear
of specieism
a defensive world scorning
the passive aggressive of veganism
entering a new world
occupied by the like minded
living with femaleness
a vegan roomate
passionate about food
a great joy for a child
excited by mutual encounter
coming alive
three lives intertwined
in thought and experience
enriched with the art
of a vegan musician dancer
celebrating artful living
moths caught in the net
of unhappy relationship
sharing a jest for living
commitment to not being alone
to freedom from the known

new readings
into male violence
demonic males and nature ethic
radical ecofeminists
a second project
of lifelong interests
the results on live and happiness
of oppression of all other species
living with male conflict
ending female oppression
destroying patriarchy
with the logic of difference
through feminist actions
commitment to vegan diet
deconstructing masculinity
fiction's utopian imagery

working
counting people
decennial sociology
families in RVs
homeless in parks
retirees in a group home
most in their 80s and 90s

life on its edges

baseball on a tv
a wall fish tank
with small blue and gray fish
two old parakeets on a pole
short friendly dog
male servicemen
teams of women
proving long term care
mature white administrators
middle age black and latina clerks
young asian medical aides
residents staying active for years
most physically and mentally infirm
one resident a 101 years old
clinging to life preciously

life is precious
living fully
submersed in abandonment
but not detachment
freedom from comparison
attachment
beyond the past
peace and contentment

birthday stress

majestic
snow capped mountains
beckons the earth bound
to pristine heights
staring in awe
eternity unfolds
into temporary bliss
soon to be melted
in 80 degree weather
until it rains again

unbeknown to a father
who doesn't celebrate numerology
a child turns four
on a drama filled day
mother and grandma
wanting him near
on daddy's day
taking a long while
to bring him out
for the battle to begin

"will you give him his medication"
what medication
"anti-biotic"
not again
that's the fourth time
in as many months
faster than lightening
she snatched him
clear out of my arms
as the child explodes
in painful tears
of separation
of lack of control

after promises
to return him in two hours
she released her possession
in bitter tears
cursing and hating everyone
"i will hit you"
"i don't like no one"
that's okay, son
i understand
let's laugh and have fun
we did
healing in body and mind
with each passing moment

returning two hours later
for his medication
only five minutes late
we are greeted by the police
the child worries
"are they going to take you away"
"why did mommy call the police"
poor, helpless child
knowing only hate
fear
pain of separation

at the end of daddy day
we return once again
to his owner's house
but she wasn't there
late for an hour
visiting her lawyer
couldn't be bothered
about a father's time

tired
the day prior
she asked for four extra hours
of free time
we didn't mind
playing trucks
with little signs of sickness
but the child gets worst
every time he leaves dad
to deal with a stressful mother
hot and cold
like a yo-yo
treating child and father
alike

still in shock
i sometimes hold out hope
for us
wishing togetherness again
how can so little
have been made
into such a high mountain
of anger and hate
unless it was there
all the time
barely covered hostility
waiting
waiting
for a sperm
exploding when it arrives

fathers destroyed
in sins of mothers
children suffer
all their lives
hoping to overcome
a lifetime of pain
but only achieving
the same fate
as the others

in the moment
on another daddy day
mountains of pain
evaporates
with a child's laughter
ah joy
nothing else matters

animals

cold rain
downpours all day
a few days each week
trees green, happy
shrubs rejoice
grass smile
earth moist, clean
at the regional park
ducks and coots loiter
egrets pose
suddenly, an alarm
small birds take flight
as a hawk cruise by
a bald eagle call to another
as we feed bread to the ducks
we are chased
by aggressive male geese
we watch as they chase and abuse
then gang rape a female goose
each male taking a turn
as other males press her head to the ground

are all males rapists
inherently violent
how does human male sexuality
ongoing from puberty to death
affect the minds of men

jad is such a sensitive child
a natural ethical vegetarian
just like his dad
his innocence turns to activism
he tells men fishing
not to kill the fish
so others can see them play
"i talk to the people
and tell then not to kill animals
and not to eat animals"

everything i tell him
everything i notice
is copied and repeated
"my cousin" this
and "my cousin" that
"my cousin is a vegetarian"
"my cousin don't eat animals"
"my cousin car has a flat tire"
"my cousin has a big truck like that"

our trip to the animal shelter
results in immense sadness
so many animals needing a home
older cats, dogs and rabbits abandoned
broken children's toys
bored and lifeless
trapped in small cages
outliving human interest
waiting to be killed
to make space for the next batch

jad begs to take a pet home
but i am wary of their cost and care
i empathize with these hapless creatures
abandoned by my child's mother
i too wait in vain
of adoption by a kind companion
a rapist in waiting