the day marti died

raining all day
slight, persistent drizzle
i usually like the rain
today, it's mostly sad

jad spent overnight
we did our usual yesterday
riding a 16 inch nascar 500 bike to the beach
a block away from our new home
in huntington beach
cross pch onto the bike path along the sand
lock our bikes and run to our cliff of sand by the ocean
running and jumping off
over and over

like the cycle of life and death
almost everyday we find a dead bird
washed up on the sand
opened clams and shells
shore birds pick crabs out from the sand
pelicans dive in the ocean for fish
dolphins appear sometimes

jad is so smart now
constantly arguing and fighting
his programmed mind versus me
my long hair, getting a job, smoking
liking obama, columbus, america
eating meat...

names every car on sight
austin martin to bugatti
wants to be a police
and a singer like bruno mars

we wake up for breakfast
and find out on facebook
marti kheel died
i'm still woking on the ecofeminism video
with her in it, but now i work while knowing
the main ecofeminist is no more

no one

it's mid-august heat
the ants are back
all over the kitchen
bathroom
everywhere

there is no one
to talk to
to listen to
to walk with
who would understand
i am alone
and this computer
is the only friend
and home

it all started two days ago
during saturday visitation
son told cousin zee
he was at his favorite place
dad's home
then later he told dad
he cries to sleep
missing dad
every night
it didn't affect dad until sunday
when the child left
tears for the first time
in a long time

two days later
next daddy day
child sick with allergies
dad helpless
wanting fresh air at the beach
child wanting radiator springs
at dad's home

allergies got worse
and jad was asleep
by the time he got dropped off
so innocent in the rare view mirror
dad missing him already
we go with just 4 hours visitation
in 4 days!
too little time
for any child
and dad

tears are endless again
i miss my son
i wish i didn't feel so sad

fear power

i finally made it to the judge
totally railroaded
old geezer allen
overlord of room a
norwalk family court
not a father-friendly place
still 10% visitation with son
yet father pays half of all medical
regardless of father's wishes
mother can get passport for son
and all required vaccines
she can have father drug tested twice
anytime in the next 6 months
mother already has all the power
and is using the court to get more
all in the name of her child's wellbeing
stuck living
in an upstairs apartment
two bedroom two bath
wanting to move to a downstairs
so my son can play outside
a rental became available
my dream house
not far from anaheim
small two bedroom cottage
one-bath with front yard
side yard with sun for gardening
huge back yard
it's the ex-inlaws property
grandpa called me to look at it
grandma cleaning everything
preparing it for grandson
painting the laundry shed
new floors, new stove
jad and michelle excited
nathan says its like a park
we fill out the app
print out credit reports
grandpa gives lights and ac
everything set to go
then i call her about visitation
and she used her power
to deny us the rental
and deny her own son
a better place to live
a better life with dad

greed and power is learned from fathers
having taught her to be merciless
that power is now used to hurt his grandson

use power carefully son
it has been used against me
and it only harmed you
if you use it against others
it will eventually hurt those you love

fear masculinity

hot day
90s in summer's heat
heaven found
on a beach
cool waves crashing
on warm feet
bubbles and surf
sand and water
together or apart
always complete
child splashing
playing catch with mother
delight in each kiss
pure joy

in each wave's death

five, small and skinny
not an ounce of fat
tan brown body
for every woman
"oh, he's so cute"

riding fast downhill
without training wheels
a dare-devil in training...

loves fast cars
bmw, mitsubishi 
but really wants an infinity 
knows the make of most all cars
and model of many
can recognize make from afar
from the side or partially hidden
from their lights or symbol
i can only recognize symbols
and have to ask him
what kind of car this or that is
whenever i can't see their symbol
definitely smarter than me
we have a hundred toy cars
play hot wheels wii game
racing each other
even if i try hard
he usually wins
he has to win at everything
in the computer racing game
i am never allowed to pass him
score a goal in soccer
ride in front of him on the bike

likes being a fireman
but really wants to be a policeman
in school, the other boys play
star wars, catching bad guys, etc.
with sweet, tiny fingers
he makes the shape of a gun
and points to shoot bad guys
in daddy's room, re-named
radiator springs
we have no guns or shooting games
and we pretend to shoot sleeping darts
can read some sight words
loves art and stickers
baseball and frisbee

eating is a problem
"dad, sometimes i eat hotdogs"
"they taste so good."
his mother is not vegetarian
veggie wokery/bonnie's food
is the staple for daddy days
chicken with vegetables
lowmein, soup

loud
booming
explosions
fireworks
celebrations of masculine power
and violence

sad news from deen
his eldest son, ali, all of 15 years
in jail at riker's island
burglary with friends

i think of all the boys and men
that i know of personally
friends, nephews, relatives
in jail, hurt, or killed
because of masculinity
jailed for child abuse
strokes from alcohol
shot over a girlfriend
killed in a car crash with friends
and i look at my innocent child
and wonder...
will masculine excess take him too

missing you

spring is here
new leaves on trees
and radiation rain
the japan earthquake
continues to unnerve me

child mother back to fighting
lawyers outside the courtroom
demanding another year of therapy
i steadfastly refused
so we're due inside the court this month
in one last therapy session
selected pre-school is announced
along with demands for money

visitation is back to square one
with strict rules and no overnights
four hours on tues
is not enough
we spend an hour in the car
and hours later crying

"daddy i didn't eat meat today
today i see you so i don't eat meat"

how can a child survive
this life of transience
a long trail of
broken families
deserted homes

born in cerritos
moved to cypress at two
after the divorce
back to cerritos at three
and now long beach at five
while dad moved twice
to santa monica
anaheim
now thinking of long beach
where will it end?

the remaining building
from marriage is being sold
no more land-lording for me
got rid of daddy's old car
black 2000 toyota camry
brought blue 2007 honda element
plan to go camping
still working on documentary
on ecofeminism, nemesis
living with vegan roommate, michelle
trying to live outside of the stream
of ambition and male achievement

disappointment

another day sick
home from school
you called around 9:00 am
i returned your call at 10:15 am
"why you take so long, daddy"
"can you come get me"
i promise to be there in an hour
i get there at noon

you are eager and a bit upset
you march out the door
relieved to be leaving, finally
i have to pee really bad
i beg her to use her bathroom
giving her a painting in return
but she is upset
"you smell of pot"

i am such a fool
i thought things were getting better
between your parents
that after 6 months of overnights together
she would lose her fears
and become less judgmental
understanding that they were unfounded all along
but i was wrong
her megalomania was just in remission
i should have just grabbed you and left
i'm sorry i disappointed you, son
i know that you are being hurt
and scarred for life

it's the problem i have
having a weak bladder
destroyed by medication
i had to use the bathroom
and so i pissed our day away
as i stood there over the bowl
she took you and locked you in the room
without a shred of evidence
that i was incapable of taking good care of you
as i usually do

your crying and pleading didn't help
i regret having any faith in humans
i will never think anyone can change again
your mother is completely programmed
and corrupt beyond repair

she acts as a sponge
for all the garbage society spreads
from loving "legal" drugs and vaccines
and hating "illegal" drugs and users
to killing and eating animals daily
and living in a selfish bubble of self-righteousness
and like all the other of society's imbeciles
she will not and can never change

son
if you want to be smart and independent
to live an ethical life
care for the world rather than yourself
use pot to care and heal yourself
physically and mentally
instead of serving as big pharma's guinea pig
be warned

you will be considered a villain
hounded for simply existing
and be continuously dehumanized
by those closest to you
imbeciles who only care about one thing
how to exploit everything they can
to promote themselves
to get more money

taking vaccines and pharmaceuticals
eating meat
getting sick, diabetes and heart disease
this is normal

being vegan
taking a natural drug
to ease stress and relieve tensions
meditate and care for others
this is self-destructive

you will never convince her otherwise
her self-worth is based on feeling superior to others
and where can she finds such easy targets
to feel superior to
by turning on the tv
and turning off her mind
even if the enemy is very familiar
one she lived with for 14 years
or gave birth to

you are being raised by an empty shell
filled by all of society prejudices
take care you don't become the same
for like her
you'll blindly harm your own children
all along thinking you're doing them a favor