confusion

you just can't believe me
when I show you what you mean to me
you just can't believe me
when I show you what you cannot see

the heat is natural
for a coastal desert
but it confuses
the transplanted landscape

the lawns are parched
non-native plants wilt
air conditioners burn out

the sun's powerful rays
penetrate all illusions
of tropical grandeur

a hawk swooped down
swiftly and silently
perching high
on a canary island pine tree

following its movements
from limb to limb
tree to tree
it was aware of me
but i was oblivious
to its mission
of finding a nest

the wrens flew out hastily
in panic, confused

a baby died
a mother cried
the hawk ate a meal
to survive

so unlike me
amidst plenty
always "needy"
greedy

survival
is too primitive
i want more
and more
and more

how much more do i need?
i have enough
why can't i stop?

i want meaning
rightful living
is this even possible?
will thought get me there?

the buddha is still
sleeping
so tiny
but growing up fast
five months now
starting to sit up
with support
holding on longer
with small fingers
a joy to just observe

my lord still has his dolphin laugh
loves "shak attack"
and other strange sounds
thumps his right hand
against his thighs
when happy
grabs his toes
during tummy time
he turns over
onto his back
on his own

he is teething
chews on anything
and everything

no confusion here
jad loves to play
and can't stand
being left alone

sush sits up day and night
for hours at a time
feeding
and comforting him

while i obsess
over his future
and ours...

all this thinking
leads to more confusion

to end confusion
thought must end

precious

war in the east
war in the west
war up north
war down south
everywhere is war


the days are hot
and so too the evenings
there is no respite from the heat

or from the gods of war
perpetuating endless violence
onto this innocent world
killing innocents
in the middle east
south asia
east africa
everywhere

religious and ethnic extremists
fueling the war profiteers
both prospering
as civilians suffer

i feel fearful
anxious and confused
of crime and terrorism
racism and zionism
american domination
at home and abroad

the little buddha is so precious
sleeping swaddled
wrapped
kept from scraching his ears
face, and eyes
almost five months now
sleeping in my arms
for hours
together
a closeness
that creates pause

from sna to cvg
the plane trip lasted four hours
jad did not like it one bit
crying inconsolably
most of the way back
i rocked him on my right shoulder
using the boppy for support
while
whispering shushhh
for hours at a time

our lord has a hot body
always warm
sweating from his head
and on his back
he hates the car sear
wakes up every two-three hours
gets bored and cries
he loves the outside
it calms him down
and meeting new people
puts a smile on his face
bouts of giggling

sush is so beautiful
such a wonderful wife
a caring mother
she feeds our lord
every two hours
24/7
feeding in her arms
so lovingly
and so tired

nisha and mono were such fun
full of energy
mono at nine
and nisha at six
are so bright
full of life
with a joy of being children

their parents might break up
mom and dad both resigned
sadly
the girls especially heartbroken
they are always missing dad
and will miss him more now
nisha likes her aunt so much
and considers me funny

nisha asked, "could you please stay longer?"
i explained, "i may have an interview."
"what is that?"
"it is part of finding a job."
she sweetly explained,
"but you already have a job.
it is to take care of baby jad."

i was really stunned
if you love your child
you would listen to them
a father's time
is most important
for girls and boys

it is very hard
for two people alone
to take care of a baby
every moment of each day
yet childcare is also very rewarding
it feels good to be needed
children need their parents
my first job is to take care of little buddha

i cannot bear to hear gautam cry
i take siddhartha
rock him
help him to practice standing up
and get him to play with toys

each evening
i give him a bath
we walk around the neighborhood
for an hour
to jacub park
watch the children and dogs play
little buddha learns each day
wanting to taste everything
listening
changing each day

even though i enjoy feeling needed
i also crave time away from him
and feel guilty for it
I feel tremendous pressure
and further guilt
to do other things
a job hunt
changing career
finding insurance
childproofing the house
reorganizing the garden
following the internet news
eating
using the bathroom
watching tv

the mind conforming
to economic and security fears
racing away
thoughts unending
of stocks and real estate
starting a home business
studying law
getting out of teaching
pursuing
prestige and security

fear
trumping
guilt
of being way from the buddha
endlessly thinking...

pause

tommy can you here me?
can you feel me near you?
tommy can you see me?
can i hope to cheer you?



walking to the park
with buddha and tom
the lord in a carrier
on my chest
with feet dangling

many children
moving around care free
lost in fun and play

she is a little girl
about four
could not talk too well
kept saying baby
walking towards us
trying to touch jad
asking why, why, why
at my refusal

siddartha is scared
with us on the swing
he loves being outside
just looking
lots of cries of joy
giggling

when not lost in observation
his single desire
is to grab everything
by himself
and put it into his mouth

four and a half months old
with so much to learn
from muscle control and balance
to communication and language
from fear and depression
to endlessly thinking



pause


constant thinking


pause...


is it possible?
i don't know


but the pausing of the self
is the greatest purpose in life


pause

a moment's pause
from everything inside

pause

pause
the brain racing
thought's lines never ending
wearing itself out
reviewing over and over
my autobiography

pause

pause
self-obsession
from thought to thought
for a lifetime
living in my own mind

pause

pause
the me
i, i, i
awake or subconsciously
constantly talking to myself
thinking i'm
bad or good
worthless or meaningful
defeated or confident
arrogant or humble
altruistic or selfish
me, me, me
its always all about me

pause

pause
the operating system
just once
for a second
for a single moment
in my entire life
pausing all of the software
just letting the hardware be
which does not require constant thinking

pause

pause
observing life
through the senses
living life
uninterpeted

pause

pause
the illusion of continuity
of the me
of time
of memory
of identity

pause

pause
thought ending
by itself
without seeking
unsought for

pause

pause
with thought's death
with i's death
in silence
the moment's comes alive
the body renews itself
i think...
(ha ha ha)