misogynist

a short and great day
for dad and son
playing on a warm beach
watching dolphins
digging a hole
for a turtle
to lay its eggs
in the sand

be true to all things in life
in your darkest hour
your own light
will save you
issues you care about
new friends
re-discovering favorite authors
a kind stranger
an old girlfriend

thought is so pleased
and lightening fast
eliminating years
in a second
regurgitating a glorified past
devoid of conflict
differences
greed

spinning new yarns
this one really cared for me
that one just used me
playing the game
of getting played
of mutual use
another child's life to be ruined

what would happen
if all babies were sterilized
and new humans were produced in a test tube
how would that affect gender relations
what would humanity look like
without motherhood

how does thought maintain itself
through the concept of motherhood
what are its implications for adulthood
how does it affect womanhood
women mental health
being childless
not having a son

what are the repercussions
of thought's manifestation as mother
on global population
and its effects on bio diversity
on fashion and consumerism
on sustainable development

thought is illogical
immoral
irrational

the worst enemies of the environment
are women in developed countries
who claim they love mother earth
and want to protect her
for their children

many of these women are shopaholics
addicted to consumerism
purchasing far more than they need
and what the earth can sustain
dozens of shoes made from cows
bags of cosmetics tested on animals
racks of clothes made by child laborers
they throw away most of it
after little use
destroying animals
the poor
and our fragile planet
mindlessly

thought will be the death of us all
then it will be no more
stupid thought
it doesn't care
just as long as it can continue
its stupidity
for the next second
and the next
and another
living second to second
desperate fool
that's all i'll ever be

the tree and the bench

the tree and the bench

old friends
standing together
weathered by seasons
of summer's heat
spring down pours
winter storms
fall's mighty winds

providing shade
for bench's company
tree was around
playful children
lovers in bubble
lonesome widows and men

until bench broke
tree sits calmly
as children rush by
lovers quarrel
people disappear

tree has no regrets
broken or not
bench is still there

moody

the brief summer
is gone
back to gray skies
cool weather
drizzling rain
washing everything clean
except our minds

today was daddy day
there are good days
and bad days
depending on the child's mood
the weather
and maternal manipulation
all three were present
today was a bad day

i picked the child up at 11 am
fussy
upset
naughty
spilling his juice and water
throwing dad's eye glasses
not eating
all day long like this
he just could not be pleased
even on the beach

at 5:30 pm
the crying started
as we prepared to leave
and he cried all the way to his home
"i want to stay with daddy"
"i want to go to santa monica"
"i want to sleep with you"

we get there half-hour early
she purposely keep us waiting
in the dark outside
hungry and cold
until the assigned time
at 7:00 pm on the dot
she shows up
cavalier
smug
indifferent
she's made her stupid point
and forced me to wait for her

the child runs after me
as i leave
overwhelmed by attachment
and compassion for my child
my heart shatters
into a million pieces
i cry all the way back

thought is perfect
in its devastation
its induced pain
all-consuming
never ending
addictive
regresses me back to childhood
when i used to cry for hours
long after i'd forgotten
why i started
perhaps schopenhauer is right
sorrow is our natural state of being

i write to exorcise
all that happened
so i can become whole again
until the next time
visitation can be hard on single dads
it leaves me
emotionally bankrupt
filled with anger
hopeless
morbid
the joys of fatherhood
are over-rated

why did i do it
why did i chose the wrong mother
a modern woman who wanted an accessory
her designer child
rather than an intact family
for that creature inside her
i knew this would be bad
and tried to prepare myself
mentally for its eventuality
but living a divorce each day
is on a whole new level

oddly enough
after the pregnancy
living with her
was worse
her demeanor changed overnight
and i finally saw what was inside
impatience
self-absorption
superiority
it was like
"you finally did your job
now get lost"

despite my sexist denial
there is a part of me
which recognizes
that i've been played
up and down the block
for over a decade
i need to honor that part
it will save me
from being fooled again
a lesson learned
late
is infinitely better
than short-sighted denial

i've wasted all my life
in romanticism
cultivating attachment
practicing martial detachment
through purposeful withdrawal
from the problems of the world
mindlessly using another
for my pleasure
the chickens have come home to roost
i enjoyed 30 years of stupor
now its time for the pain

where's my daddy

where's my daddy

where's my daddy
is he under the chair
maybe by the stair
i think he is near
there's singing in my ears
the smell of tufu in the air
and i've lost my fears

where's my daddy
is he over here
what's that camping gear
those things he wears
me and him are a pair
a dad like him is rare
is that daddy over there

where's my daddy
why does everyone not care
can't you see i'm in tear
i don't want your teddy bear
or the stuffed gray mare
i want someone who is dear
i want my daddy here

the battleground changes

sunny and warm
clear blue skies
such fine sand on venice beach
the mother felt cold
and with few stones in her path
we splashed for a while
then rolled down a sandy hill
the child wanted to play more
but daddy knew they had to go
it was already close to four

with property and possessions settled
thought narrows its stupendous focus
on the child
thought just digs children
they represent continuity
which just happens to be thought's purpose
for the child's maternal owners
generations of village in-breeds
the child's genetic mutation
was a regretful necessity
which will be overcome
through identity programming
cultural, psychological, social, intellectual
all will be completely maternal
dad's 18 hours a week
represents a threat to their conditioning
and it must be challenged at each second

and so it started today
the sun was just setting
when we got to the child's owner home
she had a big smile
standing by the police car
we were an hour late
so she had called the state
to report the child was kidnapped
by his father


thought is all there is
it is living as we know it
its manifestations may be gendered
but it is still thought

women are sick and ugly
violent and spiteful
like men
they are mere manifestations
completely immoral
completely thought

the enlightened life
is being yourself
without a charade
being who we really are
and trusting it
i am thought
onward to battle then

possessions

its summer in winter
85 degrees today
a record
i loved every bit of it
it was daddy day
the ocean didn't feel so cold
jad played with his cars in the sand
alone for a minute
as i relaxed for the first time
determined to allow him to be upset
we both did ok

coming to settlement
meant walking away from money
but leaving the birth home
meant all the possessions inside
were meaningless
none of it
could ever make a child
emotionally whole again

divorce changes everything
your entire life plan
career, work, vacation, travel
visiting friends and relatives
your outlook is very different
as a member of an intact family
but as a non-primary parent
with a few court-assigned hours
time with your children
is more precious
normal activities
feel abnormal
without your child

one gets so attached to things
bought from around the world
carted from place to place
for decades
books of favorite poets
writers
activists
it all gathered dust
in martial bondage
a thousand books
without a second to read

with the chains now broken
i have no need for possessions
i can live life
and write books
whatever i possess
is worthless
compared to that which
i cannot possess
a leaf
flower
the beach

whenever i show up at the house
to pickup my child
boxes of my stuff are placed outside
she is always surprised
when i refuse to take anything
possessions for them
and this world
is the reason for living

but rarely used clothes and books
are better off donated
to others who might find them useful

the marital bond
was a material one
the more it had
the more it wanted
there was never enough
it was doomed to fail

it was gibran who said
the most pitiful among men
is he who turns his dreams
into silver and gold

a father dreams
of being a friend
to a boy he hardly knows
who hates him
for being so miserable
and alone
of raising a child
to care for the earth
in a world mad with possessions

“The love of money as a possession
- as distinguished from the love of money
as a means to the enjoyments and realities of life
- will be recognized for what it is,
a somewhat disgusting morbidity,
one of those semi-criminal,
semi-pathological propensities
which one hands over with a shudder
to the specialists in mental disease."
John Maynard Keynes quotes (English economist, journalist, and financier, 1883-1946)

settlement

it was cold today
we walked three blocks
down the ramp
over us 1
across the sand
and discovered...

puddles
lots and lots of puddles
they were deep and cold
and endlessly joyful

we ran through each one
up and down the beach
pausing to gaze at pelicans
drying in the sun
a perfect playground
for father and son

dada is entering new territory
of loneliness
and being alone
spending days
locked in a cold room
not talking to anyone
until he sees you
for a few hours
then back again
into a hole

he misses you dearly
and can't stand the fact
that we are separate
he will never get used to this

he cries suddenly
uncontrollably
until he regains control
of thought
and removes you
and the past
from the moment
then he is normal again
very normal
solitude has its advantages
and in many ways
dada has been blessed
and is back to himself
after a long time
of doing what some else wants
living the life of others

the marriage between
me and your mom
was forced
i never wanted to marry her
or anyone else for that matter
i know her parents very well
they never liked me
and only forced us to get married
because they couldn't have your mom
living in sin

i knew their hatred
would lead them to this
like it did with the others
all divorced

in deciding to give you life
i weighted all these facts
i knew you would suffer
but i give you life regardless
why
how could i be so careless
and irresponsible
especially if i knew beforehand
i made you
to suffer
all these years
why

you should always live your life
never compromise on your principles

it was the one unselfish act
i ever did in my life
i did if for your mother
i didn't want her to live a barren life
her life was meaningless enough
so i put you there
and did everything i could
to give you a good birth

with the writing on the wall
even before your head was dry
i spent as much time as i could with you
in the beginning
and even though i gave them
all the trivial excuses they needed
to pull the trigger
on both of us
i still tried to hold on to you
as long as possible

i guess that's why
it took me eight months
two hundred and forty eight days
to settle the divorce
which i did today
i signed the last paper
me and you mom will both write on
and with that
the divorce is over

you must never think
its your fault
we lived in conflict
had separate friends
never did anything together
and fought bitterly
there was never anything
between your mom and me
all she wanted was a child
and while i felt sorry for her
in creating you
compassion is not love
so it is not your fault
not by any stretch of the imagination

it is all my fault
i had foresight into your life
and knew before
what would happen to you
its all my fault

maybe i did it for me
i didn't want to appear selfish
i was afraid of what others would think of me
whatever the reason
i have learned a lesson
go with your own feelings
trying to please others
when you know better
will not change its result
and only lead to more suffering

its not you
or me
its the nature of thought
this is all there is
and there is no way out
so don't even try
only when all movement cease
will you be able
to enjoy the beach
and live your life
dancing through puddles

thinking of gaza

i feel so helpless
watching the bombings
in gaza
hundreds of women and children
innocently killed
the world watches
and does nothing
as a dominant state
commits murder
in the name of peace
but due to local politics
another election war

am i responsible
for any of this
is supporting one side
akin to supporting the conflict
am i as violent as killers
on both sides

thought will never accept
its utter brutality
how can it
thought is completely immoral

in thought's quest for continuity
all of its fears and desires
are mutually satisfying
violence
sex
god
security
fame
are all the same

my sense of outrage
against the gaza violence
is another aspect of thought

there's no escape
i'm trapped in thought

the best course of action
is to remain upset at myself
for the violence
that i am
and limit my blaming
others for violence
the same violence
that lies right under my skin

i am responsible
for supporting thought's project
and for its resultant violence

i am thought
i am conflict
i am violent