last days

start me up...

it was evening
the sun was down
as i sat in the garden
enjoying the smell of salvias
looking at the brushes

suddenly it came
a hummingbird
so delicate and swift
it seemed surprised to see me
sitting there in its spot

they always come at this time
to feed on the native plants
it hovered around
and came quite close

part of me was fearful
it could poke me eyes out
another part was in complete awe
as i watched it for a few seconds
then it was gone

i felt so alive
so in the moment
to be in its presence
privileged to share its space

me and jad go for walks each afternoon
i use an over the shoulder baby holder
holding his body close to mine
allowing both hands to be free
people look at me strangely
as if to say,
wraps should not to be worn by men

the lord buddha is so quiet when we walk
he looks around intently
taking in all the sights and sounds
after a while, he gets tired and sleepy
he'll take a few minutes nap
then he'll open his eyes again
as if he did not want miss the world

i feel so blessed that he likes to go for these walks
it is fast becoming my favorite part of the day
we walk around the neighborhood track
and then after an hour
i take him home again to feed from sush

the avian flu now spreads from human to human
will it be a pandemic?

throughout earth's history
there have been several mass extinctions
is this going to be another one?

i am part of this same earth
from dust to dust
I have always been here
will always remain here

so what is it that dies
my thoughts, memories
the collected experiences of the past
the me, ego?
i want to let go of all this
so death is a good thing
finally, an ending to thought

i am only afraid of death
when i am not alive
not in the moment
living my life in the past

to be alive
to live from moment to moment
is to live with death
from moment to moment

to live in the moment
is to be absent from the self
from accumulation of the ego
it is to have an experience
without a memory of it remaining
after the experience is gone

like the glory of that hummingbird
seeing its incredible beauty and grace
for a moment
then letting go
after it is gone
not wishing for it to stay
or to have that experience again
living without a trace
of the past
ending thought...

spoiled brats

been a long time since i've rock and rolled...

it was such a beautiful day
warm, sunny, bright
with a slight, cool breeze
under a light blue sky
filled with astonishing clouds
row after uneven row
of white roses
hanging from a heavenly basket

and in my arms, the lord buddha
beautiful as the environment around him
he calms down the minute we go outdoor
and enter a world that is not man made
jad is a part of that immensity
a mystery that is beyond thought

life is lived only in the moment

it is saturday
and i listen to their problems
one's brother is getting divorced
another is having problems with her son
a third is tired of the constant bickering

why do we live in such conflict
turmoil, confusion?
day in and day out
it is the same
anger, jealousy, pain

is there another way to live
or are we stuck with this for life?

there are as many forms of abuse
as there are of power
ignoring another
minimizing concerns
patronizing
nagging with guilt
constant criticism
distrust
accusation and insult
anger and violence

all aspects of power
differing only in emphasis
all have an underlying sense
of superiority
self-righteousness
entitlement

all manifestations of ego
that grand illusion
created by thought
out of the ruminants of the past

i have an image of myself
as wonderful
or wounded
powerful
or powerless
beautiful
or ugly
a heroin
or martyr

i am building this image everyday
every moment i spend
collecting memories of myself
sifting each experience through its lens

you hurt "me"
by damaging this image
the image now plots revenge
the cycle of conflict continues

why have an image at all?
if there is no image
there is no hurt
no pain
no conflict

in the moment there is no image
only observation, awareness

for the image to end
thought must end

working through a slump

mother mary comes to me...

bright moonlight courtyard
as the majestic canary island pine
stand tall as witness
the playful shadows of leaves
gently swaying in the wind
and the melodous sounds of a flute
flowing from the cd player
as i rock baby in my arms

eternity for a moment

serenity is always there
under a falling leaf
if i care to look,
on the wings of a note
if i care to listen
with the soft caress of a baby's touch
if i care to feel
from the scent of a flower
if i care to smell
inside the juice of a fruit
if i care to taste

jad forces me to slow down the thought process
to stop thinking and be in the moment
to see, hear, touch, taste and smell the roses

what may seem like a burden
taking care of an infant
and giving jad all of my attention
is actually a blessing in disguise
a way to work myself out of this rot called life

little buddha is not screaming out of boredom
but out of fraustration
that i am constantly refusing his invitation
to take a journey together
into eternity

the good and the bad

tell me why i don't like mondays?

there was a big, bright full moon last night
then it was cloudy and grey this morning
the dew casted a spell over the morning commute
and even though the roads were clear
everyone seemed to be driving at a slower pace today
delaying the inevitable...
back to work monday

who really enjoys working
day in and day out
week after week
month after month
year after year?

i hate to work
the endless pressure to improve
the stressful deadlines to meet
the personality conflicts and turf wars
sapping all my energy
with the better part of my life wasted
only a sadist would choose this kind of life!

but i don't have a choice
there is a family to feed
and bills to pay
so i am forced to work
or am i?

i wish that i can find a job that i love
then i will love to work
in the meantime i feel stuck
working just to get by
from check to check
bill to bill

i don't even know what it is i like to do
there are so many choices
but i feel that i have no choice
and am working out of fear
and so i fear work

working does have its moments
but these are few and far apart
and not worth all the stress

how much do i really need
how much is enough
when will i be able to stop?

it seems that the more i accumulate
the more longer it will take for me to have enough
how can this be?

can i end fear now
can i be satisfied with what i have now
can i stop and explore what i might love to do now?

is not having enough the problem
or is the fear of not having enough the problem?
fear is thought
for fear to end, thought must end.

baby's back

midnight blue...

it was warm and sunny today.
me and mom picked oranges
from the huge tree in the backyard
they were really ripe and sweet
the guava tree in front is in full bloom
with hundreds of beautiful red flowers
surrounded by four, pearl white petals
birds visit all day to eat the sweet petals

i still have a cough
but for the first time in a week
i was holding baby today

i feel so complete with him in my arms
as if this is all i was meant to do
no worries or anxiety cross the mind
just satisfaction and fulfillment

we are all limited as humans.
we suffer as a result of our indulgences.
even though we know better
we choose to ignore the truth.
we choose to pursue limitless pleasure
knowing full well that there will be consequences to bear.
pleasure is always followed by pain.
drinking, smoking, overeating
leads to poor health and quality of life,
recklessness, infidelity, and lust
leads to guilt and broken homes
jealousy, greed and selfishness
leads to insecurity, anxiety and fear

we get carried away by thought
which is the basis of all desire
if we had no thought
would there be any desire?
thought is desire
to end the endless pursuit of desire
thought must come to an end

natural childbirth

saturday night is all right now...

its amazing what a day off will do for your spirit !

the day was so beautiful
warm with a cool breeze blowing all day
and the garden is in full bloom
spring is just so lovely
it really makes me feel full of life as well
bursting with joy at all the sights and sounds

jad was born at home three months ago
we had planned it to be as such
everyone around us was filled with fear
what ifs and how comes and whys
sush ignored them and was strong throughout

it was such a good pregnancy
sush walked everyday until the last week
she listened to relaxation cds all day, each day
ate and drank right
but towards the end, the weight was a burden
and it was hard for her to sleep
yet she was never sick or upset
while i got the flu four or five times

i could sense something was happening thursday
sush was feeling something different
and all night we were both restless
about 2 am she saw some blood
and i knew that it was time
so i decided to take friday off

at 10 am, lori, the midwife
confirmed after an examination
that indeed the placenta was leaking
and that sush was already at stage one

now the clock was ticking
either have the baby in 18 hours
or the placenta would dry out
and sush would be forced to go to the hospital

this alone provided an incentive for sush
she kept on willing the baby to come
and bore all of the discomfort with this deadline in mind

we went home and began to prepare for our baby
sush was determined to have a natural childbirth

all day and night sush needed me
with every wave she held me tightly
as she felt pressure from her uterus
which grew increasingly intense as the night wore on
she would only release me
after the pressure had completely subsided
sometimes the waves came one after another
and i would move away
only to rush back again
for her to hold me
with her arms raised above my shoulders

sush was super brave and strong
she never complained of pain
only of discomfort and tiredness

i was glad to hold her each time
i felt part of the process
and was able to monitor her progress more closely

about 2:30 pm i took a nap for a few hours
i knew that it would be a while before i could sleep again
i encouraged sush to sleep as well
but she soon got up
growing afraid and angry
she felt that i was not going to be there
when she needed me most
i knew that i was just conserving energy
and never doubted that i would be there for her
to see her through the entire process
no matter what it took
i was not going to miss the birth of a buddha
for all the world

i awoke around 5 pm and immediately got back into gear
i fed her often and provided lots of water
i timed birthing wave after birthing wave
and the intervals between each wave
while preparing supplies and the birthing room

as each wave came and went
some lasting 10 seconds
others a minute or more
sush listened to the relaxation cds
sat on the toilet and the exercise ball
walked around and rocked
layed on the bed, crouched on all fours
and started the cycle over again

things progressed rapidly in the night
if lori was present the baby might have been born
but i felt that we had to wait for the light of day
the lord buddha was not going to be born in the shadow of the moon
but only in the full rays of the mighty sun
witnessed by all of his fellow creatures and relatives

around 6 am lori called to say that she was on her way
i kept silently willing sush and jad to hang on
but i was mentally prepared to deliver the baby alone

at times when i held sush during a wave,
i felt her uterus up against me
pounding my stomach like a series of rapid, hard punches
so amazing it was to feeling this muscle,
the strongest human muscle of all,
pushing jad along his first journey

it lied dormant all these years
her uterus
never doing a thing
then just when the baby needed it
it was extremely precise and efficient
absolutely correct and pure
not a trace of inperfection

why can't the mind be like this muscle
only thinking when absolutely necessary
otherwise lying dormant
allowing the mind to be clear
free to observe all of life around it,
beauty and ugliness,
always being
ever in the moment

instead of forever occupied, busy, clouded
forever becoming
trapped inside itself
either in the past, or some imagined future
thinking, thinking, thinking...

i was relieved when lori, kelcy and lisa arrived at 7 am
sush immediately went into transformation stage
she started making loud, gutteral sounds for the first time
i held her every time there was a wave as usual
and tried to get the kiddie pool going in between waves

by 8 am we convinced sush to get into the pool
and i got inside with her
the warm water relaxed her a lot
and she leaned over the side of the pool for support
which meant that she didn't need me to hold her
for the first time in 18 hours
i massaged her back instead

i felt the baby's head a few minutes later

it was so soft and fluffy
almost like a toy
i rubbed baby's head for a while
but was afraid to hurt his soft spot
i felt relieved that he was only minutes away
more out of concern for sush than for jad

a few more minutes and the top of jad's head emerged
full of black, half-inch hair
then his large, puffy eyes came out
and he looked at me and blinked a few times

i was the first thing baby jad saw in this world

i felt that i was looking at an alien
the buddha looked totally out of place
yet he seemed so calm and peaceful
in total acceptance of his reality
and in the moment at every turn

a few minutes later and his whole head was out
then one shoulder and the other
sush was not pushing
the baby was birthing naturally

the whole birthing time was natural for sush
she kept on having the waves
holding me while remaining focused and determined
i remained calm and confident throughout
i knew that the earth mother was with us
and it would be a quick, natural and healthy birth

we prepared to catch jad as he came out
lori passed him under sush to kelcy
then i grabbed him under sush
and pulled a little buddha out of the water

jad took his first breath in my arms

lord buddha's first cry was somehow familiar to me
as if i've heard it millions of times before
throughout the span of human existence

i held up her baby for sush
and she touched him for the first time

jad looked kind of funny to me
so young, but in a way, so old as well
and oh so, so tiny
i did not feel attached to this child
i was just observing him
like a bird or flower
he was not beautiful
or ugly
just strange and different
like a new species of plant
i have never seen before

the buddha seemed scared and was shivering
his upset expression was unexpected
and for a moment i did not know how to respond

i held him in the warm water and he calmed down
when he stopped crying he look more as i expected
more natural and serene

i held my little buddha and lost track of time
i did not really feel anything
not pride, relief or happiness
i just felt complete
secure
natural
empty in a good way

for a moment
thought came to an end

i held jad for a while until he started crying again
then i handed him to kelcy who cleaned him up
and provided him with a little oxygen

they helped sush out of the pool
and soon the placenta came out
then she got to hold her baby for the first time

i got out of the pool
took a quick shower
prepared coffee and cookies for all
and called over mom and dad

this experience was already over

and a new one had begun

...

friday night high

i've finally decided to start a blog...
tough week at work.
its testing week. oh boy.
plus i've been sick all week. not again!
is it stress or lowered immunity?
one leads to the other.
but tgif !

i've been away from jaddi for three days now
don't want to make him sick
it is my first separation from him

do i really miss him? after only three months since his birth, i am not as attached
of course i am too selfish to even miss him
i'm enjoying this freedom away from childcare
but when i see him something happens to me
i feel all teary and emotional
especially when he cries and cries
and i feel helpless since i cannot come near him
and i feel guilty for possibly making him sick
and for leaving sush alone to take care of him

before this three day separation i was feeling more attached
i told others that i was falling more in love with him everyday
but of course it is not love
its attachment

love cannot exist when there is desire
love cannot exist when there is thought

love is when i am not
and i am definitely here
thinking, thinking, thinking
2 am and still here

is there any rest for me tonight?
how do i turn off this seemingly eternal light
that keeps me in darkness
and sorrow
boredom
desire?