Friday, December 26, 2008

five percent



how winter kills...

the rain and cold
keeps us inside
we suffer in boredom
and miss the beach

we're sick
again
me and my child
i can't remember
him going a week
without being sick

divorce is a death sentence
for the emotional well being of children
and this mental sickness
affects our health

sometimes
it takes a while
for me to digest news
about my child

what can a 10% dad do
for a child that demands 110%
from both parents

i feel like rameses
helplessly staring at his son
who slowly withers on his alter
suffering from the wrath of god

now at 5 percent on the growth chart
in the extreme percentile range
my child withers
from the wrath of his maternal family's
opposition to his father

my two year old child
with teeth less than a year old
already has cavities
and suffers from tooth pain
i'm 45 and have never had a cavity
or needed dental care

is it too much
to expect mothers
to prepare
three fresh meals a day
for a pre-schooler

many enlightened american women
would rather shop
and line up to protest such views
than cook for their children
while poor third world women
with no time or money
would beg for a chance to do so
and would consider it a sin
for women to be able to afford it
and not at least pay
to have fresh meals made
for young children

in our pursuit of wealth
and freedom
we have gained much
while placing our children
on rameses' alter
to the lord of darkness

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

crash and burn



i discovered this song
by nadia ali
"crash and burn"
that i just can't stop
listening to
and thanks to youtube
i listen to five extended mixes
plus the original
for hours

nadia is a great writer
and her song arrived
at the right time
in my life
re-opening an awareness
that had gotten loss
over many years
in attachment

more than anything else
the holidays must be
a time for forgiveness
especially to those closest
our family and friends

nadia's voice is emotional
and her words true and real
in many ways
with its simple
and universal chorus
her song
changed my thinking
this festive season

the mostly techo remixes
are addictive
and grooving
especially iio's remix
the story of this remix is in the video
it's the story of nadia's discovery by iio
and then of her going solo
and scoring a hit with this song
and here's iio remixing
his lost star's song
just like the song

yet it feels like she wrote
and sang
this beautiful song
just for me

and
reminded of the futility
and pervasiveness of conflict
in all my relationships
i am finally coming to terms
with my anger

anger at myself
and anger at others
for relationship lost
as nadia reminds us
that's a risk we run...

--------------------------------------------

Crash and Burn
by Nadia Ali

You knew me better than anyone ever
And I remember your very first letter
We were so young and all that we wanted was more
We feed each other like rebels on Harley's
And I knew how to enter your body
But at the speed that we drove we were bound to wash out
We flew...
And I could read every word you were thinking
You gave me something I never was given
It was heaven and hell all at once as we laughed, and cried
There always needs to be one that is willin'
To throw a rope down to someone who's slippin'
But sometimes you gotta know when to let it go...
[x2]
We flew, rockets to the sun
Knowin' we'd crash and burn
That's the risk we run when you fall, in love

Thursday, December 18, 2008

beautiful son




ken oak band
played some favorite tunes
on third street promenade
nothing like a live cello
on a cold winter day
we sat and listened
until you fell asleep
in my arms

dear son
let me remind you
just in case i forgot
to mention today
that you are
the greatest son
in the whole wide world
the best child
a father could ever ask for
far better
than everyone
every place
every idea
and everything else
i've ever known

its amazing
how something so beautiful
as you are in every way
could come from two ugly
and vile creatures
as me and your mom

there's nothing more important
than spending time with you
my love
each second with you
gives me warmth
meaning and purpose
makes me feel wholesome
and pure
each moment in your arms
is precious
and right
like the moment was meant to be
our two bodies feel in balance again

watching you move
with the joy of discovery
is like watching
a jaguar walk
an elephant sit
a dolphin talk
the ocean play
it's like watching
the sun hop
the moon skip
and the stars dance
you are all these things
and more

even as the world around you
collapses
through no fault of your own
you remain gentle and kind
humble and forgiving
and intelligent
and though i worry constantly
you never exceed boundaries
and always play safely

you are smart
with great understanding
and compassion
and you're learning
life's facts
quickly
but far too young

i wished you didn't know
at two years old
the importance of money
and its vital role
in destroying your family
how the bird died
at grandma's house
and how daddy has to go
and speak to a judge
in order to see you more often
you understand these things
for good or bad
it's what life is
better get used to it
life only gets worse

when i'm all laid out
flat on my back
in a sprawling city
without a relative or friend
cramped from being at a computer
days and nights on end
lonely and frustrated
over work and art
you'd pick me right up
and make me realize
why i'm living each day
- don't give up dada

i will never give up
on you my child
i will do whatever it takes
to spend more time with you
to share myself with you
and to show you
as much as i can
this wonderful and cruel world
and in doing so
to learn from you
how to respond
to our mother earth
with innocence and humility
son, you are
and always will be
the best baby
in the whole wide world

Sunday, December 14, 2008

student of reality



what does it mean
to be a divorced father
and non-custodial parent
of young children
how does separation affect
the parent-child relationship
and a single father's confidence
in the idealized world
of the nuclear family

children feel betrayed
and are rightfully upset
at biological fathers
for the loss of their family
a child's anger emerges from
the pain of separation
and after being fed daily
one-sided stories about dad
a two-year blames dad
and responds by throwing toys
and screaming
- i'm mad at you
- shame on you

innocent children
who do not understand
the adult world
of power and greed
and are taught to repeat
mantras of self hate
will naturally act out
as a way of reconciling
contradictory feelings
about their father
and at a subconscious level
their own internalized paternal hate
may aid in limiting
the painful attachment
to an unattainable desire
a reconciled family

children also blame themselves
and hear others around them
blame them for the breakup
they live with the guilt
of destroying their own family
and with the knowledge
of their own powerlessness
to do anything about their family

non-custodial fathers
who lose the battle over possession
and are reduced to a token presence
in their children lives
also feel the loss of family
perhaps most of all
they face the wrath
of mother and children
and the shame of failure
in the eyes of friends and family
mothers sit under a halo
of blamelessness in every way
after all who would believe
a mother would do something
to harm her child
it's always the man's fault

facing insurmountable odds
and overwhelming public opinion
of presumed guilt
men's only hope to deflect blame unto mothers
is through substitution
of wife and family
to become part of the cycle
of revolving guilt and shifting blame
these fathers usually develop hate
and shut down
towards the previous, broken families

some fathers
realizing the futility of this cycle
refuse to perpetuate it further
others lacking resources to pay support
or mount an effective counter attack
against a legal system
based on paternal marginalization
capitulate completely to mothers
and abandon all parental rights
they develop a thick skin
through practicing
disattachment
withdrawal
self-absorption
they figure when the child turns 18
they'll come looking for them anyways

regardless of response
divorced fathers usually avoid
any hint of guilt
blame
and self examination
and pass up
perhaps their best opportunity
to end conflict
and endless thoughts

Friday, December 05, 2008

broke but not broken



overcast day
cool fog blowing from the gray ocean
waves break suddenly
close to shore
rushing to the child
splashing in the puddle
reaching up short legs and knees
scaring dad

i haven't been here in a while
it hurts too much to even think of my child
i try not to think about him
when he's not around

we're only partially related now
18 hours a week
less than a day
with stretches of two days
alone

he's always excited to see me
and fights to stay in my arms
when leaving
but then she bribes him with something
and he gives up
and goes to mother

poor child
always having to choose
whether to chop off
his right arm or left
since he can never have both

why do mothers think
they can punish their children this way
and not suffer dire consequences
for generations

watching their children suffer
will result in endless guilt
their children will resent everyone
for a life spent in strife
and develop unhealthy relationships
the cycle will continue
and this pain will be revisited
all over again
from the other side

mothers may know a lot about creating life
but they are completely thoughtless
when it comes to understanding
and respecting
the feelings of the lifeforms they create
and those of their co-creators
such abuse of power
always ends up
abusing the minds of the powerful

speaking of abuse

i am penniless
i haven't earned any money
in four months
me and my child could use a bit of money
for food
yet the child's mother refuses to give me a cent
from my own rental property
since filing for divorce seven months ago

jad and i
spend a few precious hours together
we watch for trucks on the way home
enjoy diego while we eat
then go to the park and beach
we watch for doggie poo on the ground
pick flowers and birdie food
we feed the squirrel nuts
collect eucalyptus seeds
and play in the dirt

we climb down the long steps
and walk over the bridge
that crosses pch
and watch trucks and motorcycles
pass underneath
we walk down to the sand
push in the swing
walk to the water
look for sandcastles
collect shells
splash in puddles
dry off and head back to the swings
climb up and over the bridge
all the way back up the cliff
walk along the park
and blocks over to daddy's new home
alot of exercise
all the while
breathing ocean air

we eat some more
watch diego
play with cars
and it time to go
to drive to cerritos
daddy's old home

i go over the same route
alone to the park and beach
without my child
staring at the ocean
ending attachment
ending thought

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Hearing II, part 3



My lawyer finally showed up at the court, two hours late. He immediately met with the child's mother and her attorney outside the court room. Then he met with me outside. He asked me to sign the same agreement I already signed on Friday to avoid going before the judge. I refused. Since we had both made the effort to go court, I figured we might as well go through with it.

We went back inside the court room. The bailiff called the judge out and the four of us went before him. The judge asked about the mediation, then answered himself that it was obvious nothing was agreed to, otherwise why did we show up there today.

Then he asked her side what they wanted. The child's mother answered that she was fine with joint legal and physical custody. Then the judge asked her what she wanted for visitation. She said, "Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday from 2:00 pm to 8:00 pm." She didn't mention overnights.

The judge asked me if I was okay with that. I said no, since it ran into his nap time. So then the judge asked me what I wanted. I said, "From 10:00 am to 8:00 pm." He said that's a little long. Then he asked the child's mother, "how about 4:00 pm?" She reluctantly agreed.

The judged then ordered visitation to be as follows: Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday from 10:00 pm to 4:00 pm. Six hours a day, three days a week, for a total of 18 hours.

This is exactly what I asked for at the first mediation four months ago. The child's mother refused, and it took two hearings, another mediation, and a judge, for me to get just four more hours with my son. This is not a good start. It show just how combative our co-parenting will be.

Thankfully, the judge agreed to grant me visitation hours in the daylight. The main reason I was upset at the child's mother was due to her refusal to let me see my son in the daytime.

Then her lawyer argued over transportation, saying that the reason why they were opposed to 4:00 pm was that it was rush hour. They said that it was my choice to move far away, so I should pick up and drop off the child each day. The judge decided that I would do the pick up and drop off on Tuesday and Thursday, and the mother would do it on Saturday.

Her lawyer then argued that I needed to attend court-certified anger management classes. My lawyer said that the counselor I was already going to was fine. The judge agreed, but then said that I should go for three months. He asked me if I was fine with this.

I hesitated a moment then said no. A million things went through my mind. I wanted to say how unfair it all was. The mother who destroys a child's life and family is considered normal, not angry, and definitely not in need of any treatment or classes.

But the father who wants to keep his family together, and is upset over its destruction, that he is in need of anger management. It was a final slap in the face, kick in the back, and stomp on the head. It says to a father - get over it, move on, accept the inevitable. You and your child's life together is over. I wanted to scream, to shout.

My lawyer mumbled, "that's 16 classes." Thankfully, I remained silent. The judged said, "alright, since you've done two sessions, do eight more." Ten weeks of classes was what they asked for. The judge assigned ten sessions with a therapist that I actually need at this stressful time.

Then, the discussion moved on to support. The lawyers argued over imputed income and the fact that we were both unemployed, and finally the judge gave a figure close to $500 a month. Her claim for legal fees was put off until trial, in two months.

I should have asked for another day of visitation. I'll have to do this at trial.

The Hearing II, part 2



In another case, the mother brought one of her other children to court, a cute girl, around 5 years old. The judge asked the mother, "you couldn't find someone to babysit for one day?" The law does not allow children in the courtroom, but the judge could not send the child out into the hallway unsupervised. So she sat, kicking the bench, as she heard the case.

The parents were fighting over a young boy. There were police investigations against each other, and social workers visiting the homes regularly. The mother claimed the father gave his child a cold shower to discipline him, and so there were investigations over abuse at his home. The father counter-claimed that the mother's new boyfriend physically abused his son, and made several police reports. The mother alleged they were lies, and that the father made his child say false things to the police.

Conflict breeds more conflict. My poor child is ruined.

Imagine the position of the son in this case. He lives with mom and has to please her. He can never accepting a stranger as a replacement for his father, but he tries as best as he can in order to make his mother happy. Of course, deep down inside, the child resents the mother for bringing this stranger into their lives.

He loves his father, and wants to see more of him. So the child is prepared to lie even though this may actually get him abused, by mom and boyfriend both. But he does it to make his father happy, hoping as a result, his father will chose to spend more time with him. The poor child.

Why do parents do this to children? Why do women bring children into this world only to make such beautiful, young lives hell?

Women are selfish.

More than anything else, women want to play god. They trick men into thinking they can play along, but then pull the rug under them. Mothers want power. But in order to rule as lord over their creations, they have to get rid of a child's father.

This explains a glaring contradiction. On the one hand, mothers claim men are terrible, irresponsible and incapable to taking care of children. But on the other hand, mothers are never alone. There is usually a man around the house, but never the children's father. If men were so crazy, why have one around children at all?

Funny enough, after a few years of playing god with the new man, out the door he goes. Next victim please.

Men and women who find things to do with their lives, have other options besides children to give their lives meaning. These couples are the ones more likely to adopt and share power over children. People need to find self-fulfillment without this god complex. Mothers are destroying so many children as a result of these unthoughtful genetic experiments.

The Hearing II, part 1




All last week, the two lawyers went back and forth, trying to work out a deal to avoid going to court for today's hearing. A hearing costs each side $3,000, so I was interested in making a deal.

Up until late Friday, our side thought we had a one and that the child's mother would take the Order to Show Cause hearing set for today, off of the court's calendar.

As part of the deal, the child's mother had me visiting on Tuesday and Thursday from 2:00 pm to 8:00 pm, and Friday overnight, from 7:00 pm to 7:00 pm Saturday.

I was relieved, until 6:00 pm on Friday, when the child's mother called and asked, "When are you picking him up tonight?"

What? Father and son have never spent the night alone. The child was still breastfeeding.

I signed her paper, even though I didn't like the visitation timing, and I figured that eventually, I will start doing overnights.

I asked to speak to my child, to get his opinion on overnights, but the mother refused to put him on the phone. So I refused to pick him up and start overnight visit right there and then. She asked me if I would consider doing it the following Friday, and I said I would, but only if the child agreed.

This was not acceptable to her. She was trying to use me to break the child's habit and attachment to her, and to get out of her maternal responsibility.

I am unwilling to do overnights for many reasons. First of all, it is a unilateral decision made by the mother, and neither child or father are given a voice in the matter. But more importantly, I realize that in this most stressful time for the child, a time of losing both father and family, that forcing my child to go through a further loss of a mother, even for one night, would be too traumatic.

This is just common sense, something lacking in most mothers during this time of heightened responsibilities, or as one mother put it, "baby jail".

Many divorced fathers have other women around them to help smooth the transition for young children to living with dad. Toddlers are able to cope better at being away from mom when they are comforted by grandmothers, aunts, and relatives from the other side of the fence. Even a father's new girlfriend might help in this transition.

I have absolutely no one in Los Angeles.

Common sense dictates that I do overnights only until the child is ready and comfortable being away from his mother. It will be the child's choice. Not mine, or that of the mother.

She figured as much. So she decided to go to court with her visitation plan to get the judge to force me to do overnights.

she called on Sunday to tell me she was going to court for the OSC hearing today and that I had better get my lawyer there.

What? What about our deal? She explained that because it was a domestic violence issue, the court could not postpone it.

Domestic violence?

One brief outburst of expletives during five months of the most stressful time in my life equals to domestic violence? And let's not forget what I'm so upset about - the timing of visitations being restricted to the child's nap time in the afternoon, which she refused to changed. Fucking bullshit.

We sat in court waiting a couple of hours for my lawyer to show up.

Monday, November 17, 2008

UG2



I continue to be intrigued by UG's ideas. I guess it shows that I'm still interested in permanent happiness. There is in fact no state of sadness or happiness. Pain and pleasure are both momentary. They come and go in reaction to stimulus. It is pointless to try to achieve or avoid either state.

In fact sorrow is caused by the very effort of wanting to be happy. This pursuit can only lead to fraustration and disappointment. The body does not even know it is alive. Pain and pleasure are felt and then gone. There is no memory or trace. It is thought that suffer and cries. The body is only interested in survival and has no knowledge of thought.

Why this quest for permanence? Why can't I just relax and enjoy myself? Why do I feel compelled to work myself into the ground in search for meaning and continuity? I am trying to escape from thought while using thought as my vehicle.

This will not work. Only by becoming completely selfish, completely engaged by thought, which I already am, will I ever be free from it. The very act of trying to be less selfish results in more thoughts. I can try to emphasize the body and be more aware of my senses, but if this becomes part of seeking permanence it will only increase thought.

There is no escape and the brain is not an instrument than can be used to gain an exit.

This reminds me of Schopenhauer's negative dialectics. Life is years of sorrow with moments of joy. All attempts at happiness is futile. Can thought accept this? Will thought ever agree to end itself?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

wielding power over failed men


in this world
men are in control
of most areas of power
and many men
abuse that power
in public and private spheres
they should all be punished
for any form of violence against women

this is not the case
and each day
millions of women
are physically abused
across the world
sadly this large-scale violence
goes largely unreported
and since male perpetrators go unpunished
the pattern of violence continues

the vast majority of women
caught in the vice grip
of patriarchal control
face many other forms of abuse
but this is not to say
that women are powerless

women wield great power
over children and fathers
especially in western societies
after the establishment of laws
such as the tender years doctrine
of the 19th century
which presumes that custody
of children under 13
should always be the mother's

how did this law come about
family law used to be based
on the male patriarch
how did mothers come to have wield such power

it has to do with a new body of law
outside of regular family law
for families with failed fathers
men who failed to provide
for their families' entire support
men who were most likely part
of an ethnically or racially marginalized group
these new laws
such as the tender years doctrine
regulated the terms of parenthood
for these failed men

later, the tender years doctrine was replaced
by the best interest of the child doctrine
however tender years is still the rule
a father must prove the mother to be an unfit parent
before he is awarded primary custody
while the mother need not prove the father unfit
in order to win custody herself

this tender years doctrine
with its elevation of mother's rights
at the expense of father's rights
through the courts
have resulted in single mothers
having almost total ownership
and control of fatherless children

a few decades later
changes in regular family law
largely replaced patriarchal dominance
by granting women freedom
to end the family unit
for any reason at all
these changes have benefited women
however
like men
women also abuse their power
which has resulted in a great tragedy
for families, children and fathers

if we don't change this disaster
and continue to allow women
to create this kind of dysfunctional society
where divorce and single-parenthood
are the norm
a motherhood-centered society
in which fathers are expendable
then we might as well mandate
a new doctrine
one in which all female fertilization
have to be done anonymously

this allows women
to play their favorite game
of genetic selection
but rather than dating
and ruining father's lives
women have to use pictures
of anonymous donors

when children miss their fathers
they can visit the donor bank
and browse pictures
of countless fathers
no child will feel fatherless

this new doctrine will also help to end
the heartaches and
endless conflict
endless failure
endless guilt
endless thoughts
of disposable fathers

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Hearing I

Your mom filed for an emergency hearing
She said in the declaration
That I smoke marijuana
And curse around you
That I am unable to take of you

This is claimed
For a father
Who helped delivered you
Who spent all of your first 2 years
At home with you
Who bathed and oiled you
Everyday
And who spent many nights
Up all night
Soothing you
Through teething
And illness

We were so close
Father and son
A wonderful pair
Inseparable

But that is all over now
She's stole you away from me
Since I cursed her on Monday
And I haven't seen you
For 4 days now
The longest we've been away
From each other

She filed court papers
Asking for full physical and legal custody
And to prevent me from seeing you
Until a court hearing
A month from now
And thereafter
For supervised visitation only
A few hours a week
To be granted to me

This means that
We would no longer
Be going for walks on the beach
Hikes in the mountains
Or watch Diego
At daddy's new home

It looked pretty grim

But the judge was nice today
He asked if I have a medical marijuana card
I do
Then he ordered
No smoking 12 hours
Prior to visitation
Or during visitation
And sent us back to mediation
To try to work out a visitation schedule

Meanwhile
Everything remains the same
I still get to see you
3 days a week
Unsupervised
Yea

Where's the beach?
Let's go my love
Let's go say hi to mother
No, not that one
The universal mother
Your real mother
The sea

Thursday, October 23, 2008

curses




I cursed your mom
And for that
She is taking me to court
And preventing me from seeing you

I cursed her
Because she refuses
To let me see you more

Now I see you 3 days a week
From 2pm to 8pm
Right at your nap time
And it is hard for you to nap
Just when you see daddy

So I end up driving for hours
Just to get you to sleep
Or let you go without a nap
And have you fussy all the time
We are together

I have am not working
For 3 months now
And each day I beg your mom
To let see you more
More early
More often
From 10am to 6pm
Everyday

She refuses
She said that I set the schedule
Which I did
When I was working full time
But I have not worked for 3 months
And still she refuses to let me see you more

Why

Because her lawyer told her not to
It has to do with money
The less time I spend with you
The more money I have to pay her
For child and spousal support
So we don't get to see each other
Because of her greed
And lust for money
She only cares about money
Not your health
Or happiness

Soon it will be daylight savings
Which means we only have
2 hours of sunlight
Before dark
During which time
You have to nap
This is upfair
For us both

So I finally got mad
And cursed her
Demanding to see you more
And earlier
Before your nap time
Yes I did curse
I did it for you

So we can spend more time
Together
Outdoors
Hiking
Going to the beach
Enjoying the fresh air
And curing your allergies

Instead of suffering in smog
in endless conflict
with greedy people
with endless thoughts

Monday, October 06, 2008

the sea



the sea
our eternal mother
so beautiful
and powerful
beyond imagination

we came from the sea
and crawled unto land
many years ago
still
we are mostly water
and so never really left
the mother

moist surf
cooling on a hot day
cold current
shocking at first
is soon irresistible
soft sand
massages
with every step

perhaps the best
is sunset
each one
unique
indescribably beautiful
spreading across ocean and sky
lasting for hours

with the evening star
luna comes
shining her magic
upon the vast darkness
glittering far into the horizon

but the end
of a beautiful day
signals the start
of an equally beautiful night...



with each divorce
comes the dreaded move
out of the family residence
an unwanted change for most dads

you should live
where you've always wanted to
to be happy and enjoy life
then change is welcomed
and time spent with your child
can be quality time
for you
and for them
time spent having fun
rather than missing mom
enjoying the clean, fresh air
watching the sea
ending sorrow
ending thought

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

change is constant



the child
has changed
divorce affects everyone

he's more quiet
subdued
lost
in his own world
but
the tears are harder
to console as well
he gets hurt easily
upset often
rarely smiles
the joyful laughter
of childhood
the dolphin sound
is gone

uncle danny
has a new dog
a small black and white
female puppy
oreo
it is so attached to him
it cries when danny leaves
i have to calm it down
it licks his toes
and face
and chases the child
to do the same
good times again

the child likes
music
to sing
play with cars and trucks
use the water hose
fill up buckets and a pool
sprinklers
roof-vent fans
to push a car
ride a bike
color with chalk and crayon
dig dirt
watch tv
eat
read
and more
the same as any other child

its strange
having a part-time dad
sometimes he points out
mommy and daddy on tv
i remind him
baby jaguar only has a mommy


sometimes he says
mommy and daddy
in succession
when we are together
briefly for the exchange
of the child
he remembers
being a family
and longs to have it again

this hurts so much
i am unable to sleep
or get any rest
a psychological break
from this lost

i've had other major changes
mom leaving home when i was 11
me leaving guyana and a girlfriend at 15
losing another girlfriend after seven years at 28
and a wife after fourteen years at 45

each situation was different
but i was floored the same
it took two years
each time
to recover
but recover i did
and recover i will

there will be more changes
losses to bear
i remain flexible
open to change

otherwise
one gets trapped in the past
and becomes unwilling to change
caught
in endless conflict
in endless thought

Saturday, September 13, 2008

moving on


yesterday was friday
and the child slept late
with them
i saw him only after 4:30pm
when he awoke from a nap
we spent three hours
three real short hours
playing
watching tv
eating

she came promptly
at 8pm
then he had to go
with me in tears
when they left
as when they came

the child wonders
why is daddy crying
because "i miss you"
i explain
"because i see so little of you"
the child does not understand
poor jad

the next day
with pleading voice
a child on the phone
many times saying
"wanna see daddy"
"wanna see daddy"
so insistent that she
offered to switch days
to see daddy today

but daddy has moved far away
and can no longer see baby
on a whim

the child must bury pain
attachment
desire
longing
dare i say "love"

for the other
for wholeness
normalcy
a father

but no
not in this life

in this manifestation
this 2 year old
must develop
enormous patience
submission
subservience
and wait for days
to see his father

it must be made to realize
that maintaining feelings
for dad
will only result in pain
until it can cultivate
hate
disgust
loathing
and mirror their feelings

until then
the child's paternal affection
represents a threat
a son' love
hints at a reality
very different
from the script the child
is supposed to learn
it must be extinguished

what a conundrum
to place a child into
who can blame them
for acting out
and shutting down
it may be vital
and necessary
for their own psychic survival
to help them cope
with endless conflict
with endless thought

Saturday, September 06, 2008

allergic



two and a half years old
with allergies
poor child
taken away from daddy
for four months
now suffering
like your mom

daddy doesn't have allergies
when you were with daddy
you didn't have it either

what does it say
about the care you are receiving
and the environment you live in

your mom claims
all she wants to do
is to take care of you
her only reason for living
is now to give you a great life
one much greater than daddy can
and without a thought for herself

you miss your dad
but you hear criticism of him all day
you're still attached to him
but you're learning to hate him as well
like the others
and hate yourself as a result

ah the joys of childhood

will she question
her own actions
which result in allergies
for both of you

will she ever leave
the toxic environment
of her family and friends
to save her own

will she ever own up
to the damage and harm
she's causing you
in destroying your family

in four months
you haven't grown at all
you've lost weight
and regressed in many ways
you now face
a lifetime of suffering
from allergies

the cause of allergies
are complex
this breakdown of the immune system
is part biological
environmental
and psychological

stress is the biggest factor

whatever happened to the term
carefree childhood

poor child
at two and a half
you're already trapped
in endless stress
endless conflict
endless thought

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

bearish on the future




gotta find time to blog
there are a lot of feelings of course
regret
sadness
loneliness
denial
anger
and a whole bunch of others
most of the times
i am in a state of denial
busying myself with work
it is too much to bear
if i wallow in the reality
of my child's absence
i don't feel bad
as much for myself
as i feel for the child
being without a father
of course it affects them

a world
that encourages women
to freely divorce
a child
from its father
is a world
with no hope
for the future

it is tragic
when someone drives off a cliff
but what if that person
knew beforehand
that the road was dangerous
especially when wet
and they saw lightening
heard thunder
felt heavy rain
was warned many times
but they chose to drove ahead anyway
hoping that closing the sun roof
would keep her passengers safe

it is still tragic
the car sailing off the cliff
or does it show someone caught in ego
pursuit of perfection
incapable of admitting error
feeling superior

imagine a world
where each child
is born
with the gift
of enjoying life
of being happy
living without sorrow
and so capable of becoming
the next
siddhartha
jesus
mohammed
but is instead
driven off a cliff
early on
each time

in such a world
there is no hope
for the future
humans will not last long

it's all just thought

thankfully
the dinosaurs had small brains
which explains their longevity

humans are proving
the failure of the evolutionary model
based on expanding the brain
and capacity for thought
while it may produce wonderful technology
at an extremely rapid pace
it also expands the capacity
for irrationality
and since there is no turn-off switch
the organism and species
are both trapped
in misery
in endless thought

Saturday, August 16, 2008

down days with daddy



it's a full moon
and i don't care
i haven't a peaceful moment
to stop and notice

it breaks your heart
to see a two-year old child
purposefully hitting his head
on the hard floor
willfully hurting himself
in frustration
and emotional pain

its already been two hours
half way through daddy time
it's part-time dad for the day
five hours of single fatherhood
yip-pee its not

we've already gone through
a stale diego dvd
and its coming up on your nap time
you must be ready for our routine
i lie to you about going to the park
i give you candy to get you to stop crying
we fight over getting into the car seat
and i drive around until you fall asleep
some days i'm lucky
i return home
transfer you onto my bed
and you stay asleep
but many days you wake up
and cry until you see your mother
hours later
you miss nursing yourself to sleep
its the only true escape you have
from the pain of a broken heart

it really kills me
when you apologize later
"sorry daddy
sorry i cried daddy"

such guilt for a child of two
is too much to bear

dear child
you are not responsible
for your parents' happiness
or lack of it
your crying did not cause
your parents to divorce
dear child
you should be free to cry
without ever feeling afraid
that you'll lose another parent
you're only two
poor child
feeling guilty so soon
when you've got such a long way to go
decades of guilt to come
don't start so soon
its not your fault
mom and dad are the ones to blame
not you dear child
your tears haven't cause their divorce
in the slightest way

despite all i say
you still feel emotional pain
confusion
anger
frustration
sadness
moodiness
self destruction
resentment
shame
loss of interest
lack of joy in life

i cannot save you from any of this
i cannot save you
from the madness
that comes from motherhood in america
from the sense of
possession
ownership
self-entitlement
self-righteousness
and power
women feel after childbirth

i cannot save you
from being used
selfishly
by your mother
to give herself a sense of
purpose
comfort
satisfaction
meaning
accomplishment
and affection
to make up for a lifetime
of suffering
pain
and loss

nor can i save you
from the eternal attachment
a mother feels
to that part of her body
to what was inside her for nine months
regardless of how many years
you spend outside of her womb
you will never be free from this attachment

you are stuck inside your mother
she owns you 100 percent
and her pride will never allow her
to put you first
her ego
like all thought
will never allow itself
to be placed aside
not for you
and certainly not for me
you are a prisoner of a mother's ego
and it will never allow you
to be free
despite how much you or i suffer
in fact our suffering
only strengthen its resolve

dear child
i'm sorry to tell you
but the truth is
in this life
everyone wants you to suffer

we all benefit from your misfortune
poor thing
from your broken heart
and misery
we all want your pain to continue
to grow and expand
the more depressed you are
the happier everyone else are

your father
uses your pain
to reassure himself
everyday
that he was right
he uses your unhappiness
to claim higher moral ground
and to hypothetically prove
to no one that cares
that you would have been better off
living with him
poor child
your forsaken dad
uses your pain
to abandon all relationship
to become completely selfish
he uses your sorrow
as an excuse to be lazy
to endlessly play the victim
and to wallow in self destruction
in failing hope of causing guilt
in your mother
and you

your mom and dad
want you to suffer
dear child
despite what we say
and how much we claim
that we want you to be happy
we are all liars
everyone around you
wants you to be unhappy
and they have succeeded
so ignore the formulaic responses
look beyond their fake smiles
examine the actions of those around you
poor thing
everyone wants you
to experience the most horrible life
its only natural
its only human
its only thought

oh sure
there is something inside
that feels slight compassion
upon hearing about another's loss
but that moment is fleeting
and is soon lost forever
replaced by a perverse interest
in seeing others suffer
in "sharing" their deep emotional pain

even our closest "friends"
want our suffering to continue
misery loves company
and knowing that you are miserable
makes others feel
that their own suffering
is much easier to bear
so they enjoy watching you suffer
despite what they say
no one can stand to see another happy
since it proves their own inadequacy

dear child
your mother
and many other women
is like a lose canon
with no self control
over her own depression
and lack of satisfaction
in desperation
she has shot me
and she will continue to shoot you
as long as you live
until she realizes
that she is responsible
for her own happiness
not you or i

as long as your mother
seeks the advice and comfort
of her "friends" and others
to solve her own unhappiness
her "friends" will keep you both in misery

don't ever expect to be happy
among others
unless happy themselves
and who is, really

your friends' jealously
like your mom's
will eventually get the better of them
and they will betray your "friendship"
and seek to cause you harm
to make you unhappy
to have you suffer
and be miserable
like them
then you will become
like them
and seek to cause others
to be sad
the cycle of pain
and suffering
continues
its natural
its human
its thought

Monday, July 07, 2008

ten ways to become a better dad



ten ways to become a better dad (or soon, a divorced one)
by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board, July 2006
commentary by a divorced dad

1. Be more active
This father was in the birth pool and served as a primary caregiver from day one. He gave the child a daily bath for a year, and changed diapers on the hour. Then, the maternal grandmother took over bathing, and the father was relegated to the position of secondary caregiver. Soon after, the child's mother filed for separation, and the father was turned into a highly inactive, and very part time, child care provider.

2. Get more practice
Single fathers need their children to practice fathering skills and emotional ties. Facing loneliness, father's develop other relationships which then start to influence the father-child one.

3. Take pride in the special way you are with your kids
Thanks largely to runaway mothers, divorced dads are forced to keep their distance from their children until scheduled time, which results in unbearable emotional pain. There is nothing special about this feeling. The end of visitation time, when fathers must say goodbye to a tearful child, is the most difficult time. Fathers are supposed to protect children from hurt and pain, but at that moment, fathers are reminded of their failure to prevent the injury of divorce from damaging their children.

4. Be emotionally available to your children
Recently divorced children have no choice but to depend on fathers for emotional support. However, fathers are in an emotional crisis themselves at this time, and are often ashamed and reluctant to seek help. Unwilling to share their own feelings, and lacking empathy and support from others as a result, fathers are suffocated by their emotions. They shut down emotionally in order to lessen their pain and function on a daily basis. And in order to take charge and recover from this, the greatest blow to their egos ever, that is, the loss of their family, fathers quickly learn to cultivate distance and ambivalence towards their children. To do otherwise might leave fathers emotionally and socially crippled.

5. Be a partner, not a helper
If fathers have to share responsibility for the household and childcare duties in an active fashion, mothers must likewise share financial responsibilities such as earning income, family and business communications, paying bills, arranging for repairs, landscaping, planning recreation and vacations, etc.

6. Be available for the day-to-day
This requires non-custodial fathers to maintain close relationships with angry and spiteful ex-wives. Like most people, fathers tire of daily verbal abuse, and limit their interaction to a minimum. After all, what's the point in being divorced if you have to continue to fight every day?

7. Show respect for your partner
It's hypocritical to expect a father to recognize all the ways in which his partner keeps the family running, and respect all the decisions she makes, including the one to break the family up.

8. Be aware of the need to communicate
After separation, a father's ability and motivation to be an engaged parent hinges upon the mercy of the courts.

9. Know your legal rights
Even if you're eligible for family leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act, think carefully before using it. Many fathers find that instead of temporarily leaving a job, this short-term lack of financial contribution leads to divorce, and to them permanently leaving their family. They should call it the Wife and Marriage Leave Act.

10. Stay involved after separation and divorce
The conclusion of a list no doubt compiled by a woman. After setting mothers up for disappointment and divorce, they state that fewer than 15 percent of fathers receive shared or joint custody of their children after divorce, and blame non-custodial fathers for "slowly fading out of their children's lives." It is articles like this that cause men to go from 100 percent fathering to a couple of hours of child care on weekends.


The author(s) are clear. Men are the problem. Sixty-percent of women on their first, second, and third divorce, can't be wrong.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

necessity


with parents
in eternal conflict
for children
financial necessity
can be a good thing

lack of money
limits both parents'
choices
and ability
to escape from marriage
and household relationship
and to break up
the child's family

with all humans
in perpetual conflict
most parents
who refuse to stay together
for the sake of their children
are grossly irresponsible
and deeply flawed

many mothers
who refuse to put up with
further conflict
with their child's father
fail to recognize
and understand
the true nature of conflict

why is this so

what does a history
of bad relationships
say about our own childhood
and family interactions

those who fail to understand the past
are bound to repeat it
again and again
furthermore
insanity is doing the same thing
over and over
and expecting a different result

mothers
who dispose of fathers
faster than a used tampon
loose all credibility
in making personal decisions
for their own children
because not only did they choose
the wrong person in the first place
but they willingly compounded their fatal mistake
by having children afterwards

to make matters worst
and to continue a pattern
of bad decision-making
mothers finally decide
to correct their original error
the one of choosing to go out
with the devil himself

and so on one fine day
they pack their bags and leave
the conflict-ridden pits of hell

but only after their children
have bonded with the evil man
and become attached
to the nightmarish place

alas
given where they are going
to the land
of personal loss
emotional pain
and childhood emptiness
the damned children
have an eternal longing
to put their parents together
and return
to mom's life in hell
but paradise to them

mom refuses
to live with the devil
nonetheless
lives each moment
with her own demons
in endless thought
in endless conflict

Sunday, June 22, 2008

motherhood



ego is based
on our experiences
our upbringing
our parents

our particular patterns
of thought
values
customs
morals
relationships
are copied largely
from our patterns

we are not unique
nor are our parents

our thought patterns
and so-called "unique" ideas
on how to live our life
are thousands of years old
shared by millions

all of us
in conflict

no pattern of thought
religion
lifestyle
or opinion
has of yet
caused thought
to cease its conflict

regardless of how
we chose to live our life
good or bad
right or wrong
selfish or "unselfish"
rich or poor
healthy or destructive
we live in conflict
with our self
and each other

we live in our thoughts
and rarely notice
that we even do this

too busy always
to see
the flowers
and beauty of life
we pass each moment
of our dull day



the affirmation of motherhood
is more important for women
than it is for fathers

as rulers of the world
for thousands of years
male egos are affirmed
every second
every day

facing daily oppression
a mother' s ego
gains a tremendous boost
with successful childbirth

lacking meaning
direction
freedom
from conflict
inside and out
she immerses herself
completely
into the child

each mother develops
plans
for herself
for her children

ideas
based on
what they had
what they lost
what they want
what they can be
now
and in the future

they don't want to look back
years later and say
life could have been better
if i had done this or that

decisive action is taken
evasive action is accomplished
fear-driven action is maintained

in circumventing
fatherhood
mothers reinforce their own egos
and self-fulling prophecy
that fathers are unreliable

in a world
devoid of community
which was older women's
last vestige of power
and living within
individualized societies
where only young women are valued
and even so
worth not much more
than a pack of disposable condoms

in such a world
in order to maintain
self-esteem
and a re-incarnated ego
as mother
women are compelled
to throw daddy out
with the bathwater
in order to make room
for their own ideas
to affirm their role
as indispensable
thoughtful
caregiver

fathers
the thoughtless bastards
who perpetuate male dominance
get what they deserve
and are free
to oppress other women

the cycle
of conflict
of thought
continues

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

tough love




a father finally understands
why the eternal mother
with the intelligence
of the collective universe
made this outcome
a reality for her favorite child
as each child is

this reality
a broken family
is necessary
for a world teacher
to end attachment

how will the young master respond
being forced to hate
part of youself
constantly
compelled to choose
your right eye or left
each day

will you respond
through daily practice
of disattachment

to deal with
insecurity of a broken home
feelings of loss for your father
loneliness and longing for dad
frustrations of not being able
to talk about your father
listening all day to negative comments
about your father
abour half of yourself
confusion of what constitutes family

if you survive this test
which half of your peers also face
and don't delve into escape
like dad
you may become normal
like mom

but you must also survive
your parents' conflict
to not repeat the cycle
to not become
like dad
or mom

then
you can ask
who you are
why you are
if you are

Sunday, June 08, 2008

do the right thing




why do you do anything

each time
you enter a stale environment
and encounter the same person
you’re in relationship with
you react in the same way
and you immediately assume
you completely understand the situation

but
can you ever know
everything
about anything
even the smallest thing

everything is infinite

it doesn’t matter
you continue to believe
irrationally
that you completely understand
the person
the relationship
and the situation

based on incomplete understanding
you assume you clearly perceive
a problem
within
the person
the relationship
the situation

but
is it really a problem
or just a perceived problem

there are real problems
of survival
food, clothes and shelter

however
not having a million dollars
is not the same kind of problem
as starvation
which exists for millions
most problems of personal relationships
is not the same as abuse, crimes and war

are most psychological problems
imagined
and not real
the conflict is real
but is it necessary to have conflict
it is possible
to live your life
with less psychological
and relationship conflicts

nonetheless
in daily life
you live in psychological conflict
which you assume
is caused
by
this and that person
these and those relationships
the wrong situations

you spend your life
addressing causes of problems
and as you solve one problem
your create four others
unknowingly
your life becomes more filled with conflict
as solutions, causes and problems multiply

as you grow older
life becomes
extremely complicated
this is exactly
what thought wants
continuity
permanence

you rationalize
your obsessions
with psychological conflict

life is supposed to be like this
you’re just unlucky
its only your relationships that’s bad
all others are happy
you haven’t met the right person
you just need to encounter the right situation

along with endless psychological
and relationship conflicts
you live with the eternal hope
that someday
somewhere
you’ll meet someone else
whom you can live with
at least for a brief moment
without further conflict

maybe
the conflict emanates from you
and maybe
most psychological conflicts
are completely unnecessary




what are one’s choices
in regards to a perceived problem

question assumptions about it
- is it really a problem
ignore it
obsess over it
try to come up with solutions
- take action
- leave the environment

what is right course of action
for psychological conflict

to continually create new ones?

those whose lives we affect
with our decisions
also have to live
with our actions
good or bad
for them

we convince ourselves
that we took the right action
to end this or that psychological conflict

we continually ignore
any further conflicts
our actions will cause
or the sacrifices
others will be forced to pay

we pat ourselves on the back
for taking decisive action
and call ourselves
martyrs
for the
guilt
pain
and suffering
we feel

with each passing day
we strengthen our beliefs
in our ability
and actions
to solve conflict
we hate the other person
we solidify our egos
we shore up the “i”

we all do this

is there a we
is there an i or you
or is it simply a process
our brains are trapped in

thought is happy
thought wins
every minute
every second
every time

thought continues
endlessly

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

facing ug

God and enlightenment are the ultimate pleasures, with their promise of uninterrupted happiness. Paradise, transformation, moksha, and self-realization, are all variations of the same idea of permanent happiness. However, these states are merely ideas, and do not exist.

Besides, the body cannot take uninterrupted pleasure for long, and would deteriorate quickly in such a state.

The root of all my problems, and of all human problems, is this longing for something that does not exist. In fact, wanting a fictitious, permanent state of happiness is actually a serious neurological disease. However, it is one that only "I" can solve, and it is almost impossible for "I" or anyone else to do so.

There is no spiritual faculty within me, such as intuition or faith, which could serve as an instrument to guide or save me. Intuition is nothing more than a form of subtle and refined thought, and faith is just a form of hope without any foundation.

There is nothing inside my head other than a collection of random memories.

There is no me or "I".

The notion of an enduring or permanent psyche or self, is merely a concept thrown up by thought.

The so-called "I" is born anew each moment with the birth of each thought.

However, I am trapped in this notion of permanent self, and there is no way out of my longing for permanent happiness either!

I cannot reason my way out of this madness.

Whoever said that man was a rational being deluded himself and deluded us all.

The driving force of human action is not rationality. It is power. Rationality is itself an instrument of power. The rationalist approach is based on faith in the ability of thought to transform the human condition. This faith in thought is groundless.

Thought is a divisive, and ultimately, destructive instrument.

Though is only interested in its own continuity.

Thought turns everything into a means of its own perpetuation.

Thought can only function in terms of a division between the so-called self or ego, and the world.

And this division between an illusory self and an opposed world is ultimately destructive because it results in the aggrandizement of the "self" at the expense of everything else. Thus, the self is completely irrational.

That is why everything born of thought is harmful in one way or another. So thought is not an instrument which can transform our condition.

All attempts to become free from the stranglehold of thought only perpetuate the self, and entrench us more deeply in thought.

All attempts at improving the self -
at detachment or renunciation,
positive or negative thinking,
understanding, knowledge,
meditation, religious or spiritual pursuits,
social reform or revolution
- all of these,
being initiated by thought,
can only maintain and strengthen the self.

These ideas cannot free me from thought.

There is no use in analyzing or trying to understand thought. There is nothing like observation or awareness of one's own thought process since there is no subject or observer independent of it. The division between thought and an independent subject or observer is an illusion created by that very thought. What we have is just another process of thought about "thought".

Spiritual and psychological goals also have no basis or foundation. What is it that attains the so-called enlightenment? What is it that realizes or transforms itself? What is it that attains happiness?

Absolutely nothing!

Thought and the self are nothing.

These goals have been projected by thought to keep itself going. And that's all there is to it.

As for death and afterlife, nothing inside me will reincarnate after death. There is nothing inside my head besides fear.

Fear of the unknown.

My experiencing structure cannot conceive of any event that it will not experience. It even expects to preside over its own dissolution, and so it wonders what death will feel like. It tries to project the feeling of what it will be like not to feel.

But in order to anticipate a future experience, my structure needs knowledge, a similar past experience it can call upon for reference. "I" cannot remember what it felt like not to exist before the body was born, and "I" cannot remember my own birth, so "I" have no basis for projecting my future non-existence. Yet the fear of death is the greatest fear of all.

Interestingly, there is a native or natural intelligence within each living organism. It is this intelligence which is operative in the extraordinarily complex systems of the body, for example, in the immune system. My acquired "intelligence" of the intellect is no match to the native intelligence of the body.

The native intelligence of the body is unrelated to my intellect, and therefore it cannot be used or directed to solve the problems created by thought in any way. It is not involved in the machinations of thought.

Thought is the enemy of this innate intelligence of the body. Thought is harmful to the harmonious functioning of the body because it turns everything into a movement of pleasure and the pursuit of permanence. This is the way it ensures its own continuity. The demand for pleasure and permanence destroys, in the long run, the sensitivity of the body.

The body is not interested in permanence. Its nervous system cannot handle permanent states, pleasurable or painful. But thought has projected the existence of permanent states of peace, bliss, or ecstasy in order to maintain its continuity. There is thus a fundamental conflict between the demands of the "mind" or thought and the functioning of the body.

The only freedom there is, is to be free from the very idea of freedom.

The universe has no cause, no beginning, and no end.

When somehow this realization sinks into us, when the whole field of the self is exhausted, only then can a physiological mutation take place.

When this occurs, the living organism is freed from the stranglehold of thought, and returns to its naturally peaceful condition. Thought then "falls into its natural rhythm" by coming into active function only when it is needed in a situation.

But this is not something that can be caused by any `effort or volition' on my part. In fact, the necessary condition for it to happen, is for all effort to cease.

And for a few, rare individuals, this self-perpetuating process of thought do come to an end.

However, this does not imply a state totally bereft of thoughts. The ideal of a thoughtless state is one of the many hoaxes to which many have fallen victim. When the self-perpetuating mechanism of thought collapses, what is left is a harmonious mode of functioning of the living organism in which thoughts arise and disappear in accordance with a natural rhythm and in response to a challenge.

Thus the problem is thought as a self-perpetuating process and not the occurrence of thoughts per se.

In the "natural state", the state of functioning of the body free of the interference of thought, thoughts are not a problem. It is not that there are no sensual thoughts, for example, in this state. But they do not constitute a problem. One is not concerned about whether the thoughts are "good" or "bad", or about whether they occur at all.

How can such a man have a sensual thought?' Actually, there is nothing he can do to suppress that thought, or to give room for that thought to act. The thought cannot stay. There is no continuity, and no build-up. One knows what it is and there it ends. Then something else comes up.

thoughts based on U. G. Krishnamurti's

Friday, May 23, 2008

days with no son






the long
and winding road
that leads
to your door
shall never disappear...



its so hard
to imagine
having children
when you hardly ever see them

she drove the child over
after four days
of absence
lifetimes of loneliness
uncertainty and unease

the boy sat in the car
waiting impatiently

dad was on the phone
with an insecure realtor
talking about a 2 bed condo
in cerritos for $255k

she took her son
out the child seat
and car
and bought him
towards dad

the child seemed upset
shy and hesitant
he's always been
insecure about his father
the child acted reserved
as if he wondered
if dad would reject him
again

he appeared angry at his father
obviously pained and hurt
by their separation
and perhaps he blamed dad
for abandoning him
and for destroying
his family

instead of dad's usual excitement
and rushing towards his son
as he used to
when the child lived at home
dad was subdued
frozen like a statue
by the front door
as tears rolled off his cheeks

she passed the child over
dad held his son dearly
in the moment
sad
then happy
then nothing

feeling whole
complete
immense relief

nothing else mattered
but being with the lord
it was all dad cared for

it was a moment
of forgiveness
compassion
acceptance
a moment absent of everything
and yet
encapsulating
the universe
a moment
to forget
lost
without a trace
a moment
without thought

Sunday, May 18, 2008

dad's tombstone

















the full moon is sad

everyone
who hears the news
of the demise
of jad's family
cries

across the sky
and earth
tonight
tears
buckets of tears
for an innocent child
who lost something priceless

something very precious
which he can never buy
for all the money in the world
something which cannot be obtained
by anyone close or far
at any price

a gift which can only be granted
by his mother
the gift of happiness
living with his mother and father
together
under the same roof

witnessing this theft
the moon weeps
as do aunts
cousins and uncles
friends and strangers
the earth mother
the entire universe

heartfelt sobs
for the wanton destruction
of unsurpassed beauty
a child's joy

his own mother
rips the child's smile
off his face
forever
revealing
just how cruel and selfish
people are
so too the society they've created
fueled by ugliness
hatred
revenge
born out of
comparison
greed
ambition
endless thoughts

raising a vegan
the earth mother's favorite child
is not easy
and cannot be accomplished
by the weak of heart

extremely few
have the will power
intellectual honesty
cultural outrage
social activism
moral courage
spiritual fortitude
psychological determination
genuine compassion
and simple human decency
to stop the daily murders
the slaughter of billions
of innocents

the child's mother
is not a vegan
none of her friends are
none of her family
none of her relatives
no one she knows
is compassionate
loving
caring
enough to ever attempt
being a vegan
much less raising a vegan

these thoughtless abusers
have no right to judge
what a moral vegan does
they have no conscience
yet they claim to know better
for an innocent child
as they continue to amass sins
that will last several lifetimes
and affect their future generations
from exploitation of innocents
harmless cows
playful calves
our brothers and sisters

can his weak mother
raise a vegan child
or will she damn him
to lower births
as everyone around her
are destined

dad woke up early
cleaned and cooked
called and waited
and waited
shopped for fresh
organic fruits
nuts
vegetables
and waited
no son today

new rule mother says
daily adjustments are out
the child only sees his father
every other day
cementing the status
of part-time dad

vegans are blessed
vegan children are most blessed of all
anyone who willfully harms
the earth mother's favorite child
will be cursed
this is karmic law

Saturday, May 17, 2008

numbers
















what is
it like
to be
caught in reaction

45
years
immature
slack
ungrateful
son
now estranged
from parents

33
years
dependent
waiting
idle
at home
now alone
from everyone

25
years
fixated
radical
intolerant
vegan
at odds
with humanity

22
years
addicted
avoidance
escape
smoker
now sick
from emphysema

13
years
reckless
uncaring
lackadaisical
husband
now divorced
from wife

9
years
lazy
pessimistic
condescending
teacher
now hated
by students

(9
years
8 jobs
fired from 6
now part time
making $35,000
down from
$60,000 per year
2 years ago)

7
years
unfeeling
neglectful
selfish
boyfriend
now despised
by ex-gf

5
years
indulgent
foolhardy
slipshod
writer
now rejected
by agents

2
years
irresponsible
neglectful
out of control
father
now separated
from son

2
weeks
depressed
lethargic
listless
alone
but attached
to
child
family
ex-wife
ex-girlfriend
endless thoughts

Sunday, May 11, 2008

you're mortal now















dear son
ten days
after being served
divorce papers
dad lost hope

he's weak
he's a loser

dad lost hope
for you
for mom
for himself

hope's a precious thing, son
but one that's not meant for us
i'm sorry i couldn't give it to you
you must not have it for yourself
it'll only make you more miserable

hope of being a family
together
hope of salvation
for each one of us

your mom and dad
have always been lost causes
dad had hoped
his son's life would be different
but divorce brought
the fire of destruction
into your fragile life
and burned everything in its path

you'll only know sorrow
pain and lost in life
a burning child
constantly seeking
relief
trapped in escape
like his dad

outside
the scorched earth
generates new life

inside
human relationships
become static
like fossils

you, mom and dad
are caught in the past
with no time or energy
for novelty
for renewal
for growth
for ending thought

my sweet child
poor little buddha
ah, what could have been

you're mortal now

mom has to have everything
her friends have or had
a designer wedding
designer children
and not long after
a designer divorce

sixty percent of marriages end in divorce
seventy percent are filed by women
on the advice of well-meaning friends
family, lawyers, and therapists
interested in hearing only her side

mom accused dad
of financially irresponsibility
which required legal separation

dad offered all they had to mom
the two rentals and the house
everything they'd acquired
for thirteen years
even to pay mom rent
just to let him stay upstairs

to remain in the home
where you were born
where he helped with your birth

to not be a part-time dad
to raise you as a full-time father
just like the one she had
far from perfect
but always there

findings about the long-term effects of divorce
speak for themselves
except in very extreme conflict-ridden families
and most families do not fit this criterion
children are better off
when their parents stay married
children are more likely to finish school
and avoid problems such as drug abuse
and delinquent behavior
more likely to have good marriages themselves

even if a parent is happier
as a result of divorce
there is no "trickle down effect"
children still struggle emotionally
regardless of how the parent feels

married men make better fathers
they are more likely to provide guidance
role modeling
and financial support

marriage is good for most adults
depression
is almost three times as prevalent
in women who divorce once
and four times as prevalent
in women who divorce twice
than in women who have never divorced

mom knows all this
yet she chose to walkaway
she did not agree
to let dad stay
she wanted out
out of the marriage
to be away from dad
out of commitment to family

in the early years of marriage
there was more closeness
both mom and dad were busy working
they did manage to spend a little time together

when you came alone
the emotional connection changed
mom and dad had you
a substitute for each other
plus now
dad had to serve
the emotional needs of two
before
dad couldn't even meet the need of one

mom told dad
"you don't value our relationship anymore"
"we never do anything together"
"why do you always put work ahead of me"

instead of recognizing mom's need
for more closeness
dad felt nagged and withdrew
emotionally and physically

mom become frustrated
she tried another approach
complaining about dad's lack of involvement
in everything else in their lives
"i feel like a single parent"
"you only care about writing your book"
"why don't you ever lift a finger around the house" "
"why do i have to do everything by myself."

mom was trying to get dad's attention
but dad recoiled
after months and years of this negative interaction
mom finally gave up

she convinced herself
she would be better off
"i've tried everything"
"divorce has got to be better than this"
"i'll find somebody who cares about me"
"even if i don't, i'm so alone in this marriage"
"i can't take it anymore"
"i know i'll be happier without him"
and with that
she gave up hope
and planed her escape

the marital coffin
was nailed shut

the tragedy of the situation
is that this was the point
at which dad finally understood
the depth of mom's unhappiness
and wanted to make genuine changes
he was willing to do back flips
to keep their marriage and family together
he was finally ready
to do the kind of deep-searching
that would make having a great marriage possible
but by that point
mom have built an impenetrable wall around her
one that was impervious to dad's efforts to change
and it was divorce, full speed ahead

mom thought divorce was the best for you
but she was wrong
and for the rest of your life
you'll try to prove to her
she was wrong
by destroying yourself

dear son
don't take it out on yourself
losing dad
and paying the price
for mom's anger
is self-punishment enough

besides, its hopeless
mom will always refuse to see
how much you bleed inside
she'll never understand
why you 're such a loser
hopeless
just like dad