new life

oh god, it's raining
but i'm not complaining
it's filling me up
with new life

the stars in the sky
bring tears to my eyes
they're lighting my way
tonight

and i haven't felt so alive
in years

just for a day
on a day like today
i'll get away from
this constant debauchery

the wind in my hair
makes me so aware
how good it is to live
tonight

and i haven't felt so alive
in years

the moon
is shining in the sky
reminding me
of so many other nights
but they're not like tonight

depeche mode

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------absolutely gorgeous day
lots of sunlight
warm
just right
crows sparring
in flight
pine trees
majestic
in height
the night
clear
stars
shinning bright

ah! friendship
tom visited for a few days
the four of us
dancing
having good time
it was great
having someone else over

families
get stuck
in the ways we treat each other
relationships become stale
days are spent in
boredom
fraustration
conflict

tom was a great mixer
to shake things up
and to help out a little bit
with childcare and chores
goes to show
you don’t need much
to make life that much
more bearable

my friend is so poor
and in debt
yet tom is not as stressed
or depressed
as i am
with so much more
than he has
why

it is due to the perspectives
and expectations
i have of myself
and more importantly
what others have for me

i feel trapped
and rushed
into fulfilling the expectations
of my wife and her family
as well as my own family
which screams aloud 24/7
“get a job!”
doesn’t matter
any job

i always freak out
when cornered
or completely pressured
my natural reaction
is to resist
and rebel
so i am trapped
in rebellion as well

yet i have been so blessed
by the mother
who has always provided
everything that i needed
food, clothes, shelter
morals, education, values
affection, exploration, insight
everything
i have never ever had a need unmet
in all of my life

all the mother asks
in return
for all of her abundance
is for me
to take care
of her
and of her favorite child
my lord buddha

i have
the greatest influence
on my own child
i serve as the role model
for the young master
to learn and follow
who only mirrors what he sees
good and bad
everyone gets a chance
to raise their children
in the best way they feel fit
it is now my turn
what will i do
will i repeat the mistakes of others
or try to do things differently
chart my own way…..

i took a vow
not to fight
in front of my lord

i will heed
the mother’s request

on my death bed
with my last breath
i will not regret the most
not working at some job longer
or not getting more money
but not spending more time
with my wife and child
with the mother
in nature

no longer able to bear
pressures, expectations, guilt
the pain of conditioning
loss and separation
i have decided to commit suicide

the self
myself
with all of its conditioning
is now dead

what remains
the body
is granted life
for just a moment
to honor the earth
and all of its children

i
am only alive
from moment to moment
when in silence

feels like heaven

all through my wandering years
i always said i was biding my time
all alone in the dark i'd face my fears
that no other heart would come to mine
at first when you found me
it took me a while 'till i realized
why i felt weak when you were around me
why i couldn't speak when i looked in your eyes
all this time i've been searching
until you, i was lost in my dreams
and i never knew that love could feel like heaven
watching over me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it was a cool, crisp day
sun - warm, soothing
wind – chilly, refreshing
it reminded me of a fall day
in the northeast usa

the atmosphere was extraordinarily clear
in a city long known for its smog
the surrounding mountains
in the east and north
were clearly visible
layers of hills
topped off by snow capped peaks
far away in the background

it’s the holiday season
neighboring houses are ablaze in lights
displaying holiday spirit
glad tidings and good cheer
it should be like this all year
but then again maybe not
it wouldn’t have that special holiday feeling anymore
too much of a good thing is bad…

our lord is growing
changing daily
there only in name
because his holiness is never the same

so hard to pin down
the sun
never sits still long enough
to give anyone a chance to figure him out
always on the go
boundless energy
that increases with activity
as do the buddha’s delight

our savior is talking seven or more steps now
before the young master comes crashing down
mostly on the royal butt
the chosen one is really good at this
also at using the holy hands
to prevent our lord’s head from hitting the ground
still mother’s favorite child hits his head several times a day
which causes jad's mother much concern

its so interesting
watching our lord
literally evolving
before my very eyes
a slithering worm at birth
moving up the evolutionary ladder
so rapidly
accomplishing gains
in days
rather than in millions of years

the young master comes equipped
with an incredibly powerful cpu
and equally powerful combination of
software and hardware
both capable of learning
and evolving all the time

in two months our savior
gained control
over complex sets of muscles
in the neck, back and hands
and at ten months
his holiness is gaining control
over complex skeletal coordination
and balance
to perform
bi-pedal motion

what an amazing transformation
done with incredible zeal
day by day
inevitably
the chosen one
grows into a human being
master of the known universe

if there was one trait
that one could give one’s child
what would it be?

i would choose compassion
compassion
for the less fortunate
creatures all
great and small
earth, wind and water
sun, moon and sky

these are the important things
to cherish in life
cherishing life itself

not fame, fortune or glory
which are hard to come by
and don't last

my dear son
has grown attached
and suffers its pain
i see in him myself
caught in remembrance
trapped in desire
buried in escape

imprisoned
nonetheless
my lord is much more alive than i
more in the moment
aware of his surroundings
unburdened by guilt or shame
free from conditioning
by family, relatives, friends
community and nation
free from religion and fear
free from economic necessity
free to pursue play
and in play
ending thought

mother's favorite child

is this the real life
is this just fantasy
caught in a landslide
no escape from reality
open your eyes
look up to the skies and see
i’m just a poor boy, i need no sympathy
because I’m easy come, easy go,
a little high, little low,
anyway the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me,
to me…

the huge pineapple guava tree
feijoa
in the front courtyard
is loaded with fruit again

this tree from southern brazil
is drought tolerant
and yet so bountiful
each fruit grows
from a small red and white flower
the petals are edible and sweet
me and the birds compete
to eat the blossoms
when they grow in the summer

the fall signals the bearing of fruit
up to 3 inches long
each falls to the ground
making itself
freely available
to all who care to eat it

certainly
the most evolved
form of life
on the planet
is the fruit plant
which provides food for others
as a way of prospering itself

the young master
is so cute
at nine months
we go to the park
comfortably in the stroller
and swing my lord almost daily
even though it gets dark at 4:30pm

he is so pampered
by his mom
and dad to a lesser extent
to show his displeasure
he throws toys to the ground
quite strong
fast on the crawl
a good climber

still a very light sleeper
easily disturbed
wakes up frequently
through the night
even at the slighest sound

sush gets no sleep
even at nite
our lord wakes every hour
and wants to be fed
sush does not get to take a break
from sid
mommy is very attached to jad
and loves our papu to death
but she is extremely tired
haven't not slept for 8 hours
for the last 9 months
she sends most of her time alone
always with him
just the two of them
i feel so guilty
i want to stay home more often
just to help her out

little buddha likes to stand
jadu can remain standing
for three or more seconds now
the mother's favorite child
is a lot more aware of his body
he directs his falls
towards his bottom
gautama is very agile
and is really good
at reaching out his hands
to break his falls
and so thereby
prevent his face
and head
from hitting the ground

the young master
is so cute
and quite a ham
everyone seems to like him
jad is growing each and every day
baby likes to make a sound
while playing with his lower lip
with his fingers
just like his daddy taught him
he does this very often
to cope when he is bored
it is so cute

my master has become very attached to me
and we thankfully
spend lots of time together
my lord watches everything i do
and learns from me each day
my teacher is also my greatest pupil
i will never have a more important impact
on any other individual
than little buddha
i must always be aware of this
my role
as his guru

i'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis
or so it seems
i am unsure of what to do
for a career
i entered real estate
and sure enough
sales in the area are off 40%
in the last few months
no one is buying
or selling at a realistic price

my feelings are all over the place
i go from utter despair
over being a complete failure in life
not knowing how to do anything
not wanting to do anything
not sure what to do
or not knowing if its even possible
to earn a living,
a decent wage,
anymore

to feeling complete sadness
that my marriage is on the rocks
that i have a strained relationship
with my wife
lacking needed intimacy
to fearing losing her and baby
fearing poverty and loneliness

to being thankful
that i am spending some time
precious
irreplacable time
with my lord
that the mother's favorite child
is healthy
and growing stronger each day
moments of joy
in being alive
with the buddha
moments
of being in the moment
moments
of
silence

life's a beach

the new world teacher

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or something to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

the days are warm
cooler at nights
mornings are cold

the native and mediterranean plants
are still thriving
even though i turned off the sprinklers
over two months ago.
sages and salvias
lavenders, lantana
ceanothus, morning glory

there is such a profusion of plans
when viewed from the front
even the bougainvillea
is starting to flower

evenings have that special red glow
as we swing in the park
the lord waits all day
for the moment
daddy comes home at 5:30pm
changes quickly,
and rushes little buddha off to the park
before it grows dark

baby is growing each day
different each day
i love taking pictures
as i try to capture the changes

my lord is so agile on the ground,
a very good crawler indeed at 8 months
jad loves trying to climb
up the sides of a wall, sofa
anything really
then he’ll fall down
and climb up again
over and over again
such a hard worker
relentless
in his pursuit of freedom

such a good baby

and such a wonderful mommy

and grandma
grandpa
and danny

gautama is also starting to eat food
besides being breastfed
he is always looking
whenever we eat

sush makes jai bhim
cereal with banana
prune juice
apricot jam
avacado
beans

of course the doctor says
bhim rao is too small for his age
and “when are you going to give him the vaccines?”

baby plays by himself these days
for minutes at a time

poor jad is teething
with two small front tooth
on his lower jaw
very sharp
like a razor they are
he has to be chewing on something all the time

ravi has anger now
when his is crying
and not being picked up
kicks his feet on the floor
throws himself about
and bangs his toys

papu loves people though
he loves playing
easy to smile
still makes dolphin-like sounds

when the lord climbs up
against the sofa
he’ll release himself
for a second or so
he balances by himself
then he comes crashing down
and bangs his head

that is the bad part

he is always hurting himself

and i feel so guilty
when i end up causing him pain
i cry too

my life is so frantic
hectic and guilt ridden
over not spending enough time with the lord
and wanting to spend time away
from having to take care of him

be still my beating heart
i feel love for him
for life
for myself

i have an opportunity to start something new
do something completely different

i am also growing each day
learning to crawl
standing on my own two feet
it is very scary

but like the buddha
i am determined to understand
and determined not to quit trying
until i go deeper
into how much i am capable of growing
who i am capable of being
what i am capable of doing

everything happens for a reason
the mother makes it so
just as the universe is boundless
in its energy
and expansiveness

jad is there to show me the way
to help me grow and learn

little buddda is my teacher

i must be a true disciple
to learn anything
to learn everything

to stop the endless questioning

mommy's baby at six months

gotta have art

the lord at six months

welcoming the unknown

they told me marriage was a give and take,
well, show me you can take you've got some giving to do.
and now you tell me that you're having my baby,
i'll tell you that i'm happy if you want me to...
one step further and my back will break,
if my best isn't good enough
than how can it be good enough for two?
i can't work any harder than i do...
somebody tell me,
won't you tell me...
why i work so hard for you?

evenings approach
earlier
as fall steps in
the nights are cooler
and there is a wind

the banana tree
at the side of the house
just inside the gate,
has turned into a nest
with over twenty trees
of all sizes
and lots of shoots
the original tree
is the tallest
taller than the house
with a huge bunch of fruit
another tree
much smaller
has a bunch as well
the sap stains
all that it touches

little buddha is new
every moment
and every day
he is such a joy
i can only call him heaven

working 10-12 hour days
during the week
i don't get to see jaddi much
when we sees each other
we both light up
and become in a trance
i rush into the house
and just hold him tight

i never "loved"
anything
or anyone
all of my life

i "love" siddartha
when i see him
my troubles melt away
thought stops for a moment

my baby is so beautiful
a tender flower
on a vibrant vine
flowing in the wind

jad likes to be spun around
on the bed
and likes it
when i make funny sounds
or faces
he still likes "shak attack"
he makes lots of sounds
himself

today
for the first time
a little over seven months
he started crawling
he figured out
how to move his right foot
before
he would slide the left foot forward
but then always tried to stand up
with his right foot
or it would get caught
behind the left foot
but today
he made the right foot lower
and half walk
half crawled
on the right foot
then slid the left forward again
movement for sure
but he still falls alot

gautam cries when too long outside
or when he is too tired
or hungry
he is beginning to discern
family and strangers
and no longer smiles
at everyone he sees
but observes them curiously
and gets upset
when they try to hold him

sush works so hard
taking care of him day
and night
i am trying to start a new career
as a real estate salesman
in a down market
with few buyers
and even less sellers

do i have the perseverance
to stick it out?
or is it irresponsible
to not be earning any money
while starting a family?

i will not fail
the mother is with me
always and forever
she has entrusted to me
the loving care
of her most precious child
and she will see to it
that my lord is well provided for
i am endless joy
i am the universe
i am all
and nothing
i will not stop trying
i am open to the unknown
i am being blessed
i am the unknown

self promotion

down... girl i'm dying for your love
down... i can't handle anymore
down... si no tengo tu querer
si no tengo de tu amor
girl that makes me feel so down
so downn...
that makes me feel so down



its summertime still
the days are long
and hot
with an occasional nice breeze
hot also in the evening
the moon is almost full

my little buddha
is growing
sits up better now
always such a joy to behold
he is out of the sleep nest
and on the bed with us

there is incredible beauty
watching baby nurse
a timeless moment
of mother and child
a bonding so natural
and right in every way

the buddha renews me
everytime i see him
no matter what kind of day i'm having
his smile washes away all regrets
and puts me in the uncharted waters of the moment
blessed by his ever joyful presence

i started a new career
commercial real estate
which takes me away from my lord all day
i cry in the morning when i leave him
and again at night when i return

there in nothing in the world i'd rather do
than to be with him
but i have to earn a living
and i have to provide for him and sush
so i deny us all by leaving to work
and work hard all day

selling is all about self promotion
but it is not ego as well?
i'm building another wall
in a lifelong project of constructing walls
inside an enclosed box
fortifying the me
enshrining ego
continuing self
not ending thought

confusion

you just can't believe me
when I show you what you mean to me
you just can't believe me
when I show you what you cannot see

the heat is natural
for a coastal desert
but it confuses
the transplanted landscape

the lawns are parched
non-native plants wilt
air conditioners burn out

the sun's powerful rays
penetrate all illusions
of tropical grandeur

a hawk swooped down
swiftly and silently
perching high
on a canary island pine tree

following its movements
from limb to limb
tree to tree
it was aware of me
but i was oblivious
to its mission
of finding a nest

the wrens flew out hastily
in panic, confused

a baby died
a mother cried
the hawk ate a meal
to survive

so unlike me
amidst plenty
always "needy"
greedy

survival
is too primitive
i want more
and more
and more

how much more do i need?
i have enough
why can't i stop?

i want meaning
rightful living
is this even possible?
will thought get me there?

the buddha is still
sleeping
so tiny
but growing up fast
five months now
starting to sit up
with support
holding on longer
with small fingers
a joy to just observe

my lord still has his dolphin laugh
loves "shak attack"
and other strange sounds
thumps his right hand
against his thighs
when happy
grabs his toes
during tummy time
he turns over
onto his back
on his own

he is teething
chews on anything
and everything

no confusion here
jad loves to play
and can't stand
being left alone

sush sits up day and night
for hours at a time
feeding
and comforting him

while i obsess
over his future
and ours...

all this thinking
leads to more confusion

to end confusion
thought must end

precious

war in the east
war in the west
war up north
war down south
everywhere is war


the days are hot
and so too the evenings
there is no respite from the heat

or from the gods of war
perpetuating endless violence
onto this innocent world
killing innocents
in the middle east
south asia
east africa
everywhere

religious and ethnic extremists
fueling the war profiteers
both prospering
as civilians suffer

i feel fearful
anxious and confused
of crime and terrorism
racism and zionism
american domination
at home and abroad

the little buddha is so precious
sleeping swaddled
wrapped
kept from scraching his ears
face, and eyes
almost five months now
sleeping in my arms
for hours
together
a closeness
that creates pause

from sna to cvg
the plane trip lasted four hours
jad did not like it one bit
crying inconsolably
most of the way back
i rocked him on my right shoulder
using the boppy for support
while
whispering shushhh
for hours at a time

our lord has a hot body
always warm
sweating from his head
and on his back
he hates the car sear
wakes up every two-three hours
gets bored and cries
he loves the outside
it calms him down
and meeting new people
puts a smile on his face
bouts of giggling

sush is so beautiful
such a wonderful wife
a caring mother
she feeds our lord
every two hours
24/7
feeding in her arms
so lovingly
and so tired

nisha and mono were such fun
full of energy
mono at nine
and nisha at six
are so bright
full of life
with a joy of being children

their parents might break up
mom and dad both resigned
sadly
the girls especially heartbroken
they are always missing dad
and will miss him more now
nisha likes her aunt so much
and considers me funny

nisha asked, "could you please stay longer?"
i explained, "i may have an interview."
"what is that?"
"it is part of finding a job."
she sweetly explained,
"but you already have a job.
it is to take care of baby jad."

i was really stunned
if you love your child
you would listen to them
a father's time
is most important
for girls and boys

it is very hard
for two people alone
to take care of a baby
every moment of each day
yet childcare is also very rewarding
it feels good to be needed
children need their parents
my first job is to take care of little buddha

i cannot bear to hear gautam cry
i take siddhartha
rock him
help him to practice standing up
and get him to play with toys

each evening
i give him a bath
we walk around the neighborhood
for an hour
to jacub park
watch the children and dogs play
little buddha learns each day
wanting to taste everything
listening
changing each day

even though i enjoy feeling needed
i also crave time away from him
and feel guilty for it
I feel tremendous pressure
and further guilt
to do other things
a job hunt
changing career
finding insurance
childproofing the house
reorganizing the garden
following the internet news
eating
using the bathroom
watching tv

the mind conforming
to economic and security fears
racing away
thoughts unending
of stocks and real estate
starting a home business
studying law
getting out of teaching
pursuing
prestige and security

fear
trumping
guilt
of being way from the buddha
endlessly thinking...

pause

tommy can you here me?
can you feel me near you?
tommy can you see me?
can i hope to cheer you?



walking to the park
with buddha and tom
the lord in a carrier
on my chest
with feet dangling

many children
moving around care free
lost in fun and play

she is a little girl
about four
could not talk too well
kept saying baby
walking towards us
trying to touch jad
asking why, why, why
at my refusal

siddartha is scared
with us on the swing
he loves being outside
just looking
lots of cries of joy
giggling

when not lost in observation
his single desire
is to grab everything
by himself
and put it into his mouth

four and a half months old
with so much to learn
from muscle control and balance
to communication and language
from fear and depression
to endlessly thinking



pause


constant thinking


pause...


is it possible?
i don't know


but the pausing of the self
is the greatest purpose in life


pause

a moment's pause
from everything inside

pause

pause
the brain racing
thought's lines never ending
wearing itself out
reviewing over and over
my autobiography

pause

pause
self-obsession
from thought to thought
for a lifetime
living in my own mind

pause

pause
the me
i, i, i
awake or subconsciously
constantly talking to myself
thinking i'm
bad or good
worthless or meaningful
defeated or confident
arrogant or humble
altruistic or selfish
me, me, me
its always all about me

pause

pause
the operating system
just once
for a second
for a single moment
in my entire life
pausing all of the software
just letting the hardware be
which does not require constant thinking

pause

pause
observing life
through the senses
living life
uninterpeted

pause

pause
the illusion of continuity
of the me
of time
of memory
of identity

pause

pause
thought ending
by itself
without seeking
unsought for

pause

pause
with thought's death
with i's death
in silence
the moment's comes alive
the body renews itself
i think...
(ha ha ha)

first months

endlessly insane

where do i begin
to tell the story
of how great love can be...


summer is almost here
the days are hot and dry
the winds are warm
and the sun burns with intensity

the nights are cool, however
with a sense of relief
plants and animals both
enjoy this release from the heat
a calmness envelops the earth

jasmines are in bloom
their perfume fills the air
jacarandas' purple flowers
have fallen everywhere
along with their earthy smell

the buddha and i
walk familiar but new paths
he hums along as i sing
our rhythm moves closer
as we renew our friendship each day

i reading a bit of UG Krishnamurti
and am quite surprised at what he says

for example,
i am always talking to myself!
this is endless thought of course
thinking, thinking, thinking
really just talking to myself
nonstop
if i did it aloud
i would be committed
yet this is what i do 24/7
am i mad?
it seems that way

what can i do about it
endlessly thinking?
UG says nothing!
its too powerful to stop
and who is doing the stopping?
thought!

he suggests that
ending thought is acausal
only a few are "choosen"

the rest of us spend our lives
in the illusion of continuity
endlessly becomming
endlessly conflicting
endlessly thinking

this is a relief of sorts
it kinda lets me off the hook
if thought cannot be stopped
why keep on trying
or even wanting it to stop?

ironically,
this is exactly what needs to happen
in order for thought to end
i must cease wanting it to end
accepting my mind as it is
endlessly thinking
endlessly talking to myself
endlessly insane

trusting the mother

day after day,
love turns grey...




it is a beautiful evening
with the moon almost full;
moonlight filters through
and reflects off
marine layers of fog
so the nights are brighter

as summer approaches
it is warm with a cool breeze;
the morning fog lingers
throughout the day
making it cooler than normal

sounds of birds are everywhere
crows, wrens, starlings, doves
seagulls, bluejays...
mating calls fill the air;
there are more birds now
than in previous springs

the days are long and tired
as i fight off depression
and feeling sorry for myself

two more weeks of work
and i'll be unemployed again
fired from four jobs in six years

i am a terrible worker
lazy and inconsiderate
i hate working these jobs
and it shows

is the earth mother
trying to tell me something?

what is right livelihood
and how do I find it?

another search begins
for a job i don't want
and feel i can't do
but one which i must do

facing rejection after rejection
and the frustration
of underemployment

yet i must not despair
the mother has provided
and i am truly blessed

she is leading me
step by step
towards something meaningful
and rewarding
i must be patient
and trust her

i will allow myself to be guided
i will not let my fears
or the fears of others
interfere with her plans for me

fear is thought
thought is fear
to end fear
i must end thought

last days

start me up...

it was evening
the sun was down
as i sat in the garden
enjoying the smell of salvias
looking at the brushes

suddenly it came
a hummingbird
so delicate and swift
it seemed surprised to see me
sitting there in its spot

they always come at this time
to feed on the native plants
it hovered around
and came quite close

part of me was fearful
it could poke me eyes out
another part was in complete awe
as i watched it for a few seconds
then it was gone

i felt so alive
so in the moment
to be in its presence
privileged to share its space

me and jad go for walks each afternoon
i use an over the shoulder baby holder
holding his body close to mine
allowing both hands to be free
people look at me strangely
as if to say,
wraps should not to be worn by men

the lord buddha is so quiet when we walk
he looks around intently
taking in all the sights and sounds
after a while, he gets tired and sleepy
he'll take a few minutes nap
then he'll open his eyes again
as if he did not want miss the world

i feel so blessed that he likes to go for these walks
it is fast becoming my favorite part of the day
we walk around the neighborhood track
and then after an hour
i take him home again to feed from sush

the avian flu now spreads from human to human
will it be a pandemic?

throughout earth's history
there have been several mass extinctions
is this going to be another one?

i am part of this same earth
from dust to dust
I have always been here
will always remain here

so what is it that dies
my thoughts, memories
the collected experiences of the past
the me, ego?
i want to let go of all this
so death is a good thing
finally, an ending to thought

i am only afraid of death
when i am not alive
not in the moment
living my life in the past

to be alive
to live from moment to moment
is to live with death
from moment to moment

to live in the moment
is to be absent from the self
from accumulation of the ego
it is to have an experience
without a memory of it remaining
after the experience is gone

like the glory of that hummingbird
seeing its incredible beauty and grace
for a moment
then letting go
after it is gone
not wishing for it to stay
or to have that experience again
living without a trace
of the past
ending thought...

spoiled brats

been a long time since i've rock and rolled...

it was such a beautiful day
warm, sunny, bright
with a slight, cool breeze
under a light blue sky
filled with astonishing clouds
row after uneven row
of white roses
hanging from a heavenly basket

and in my arms, the lord buddha
beautiful as the environment around him
he calms down the minute we go outdoor
and enter a world that is not man made
jad is a part of that immensity
a mystery that is beyond thought

life is lived only in the moment

it is saturday
and i listen to their problems
one's brother is getting divorced
another is having problems with her son
a third is tired of the constant bickering

why do we live in such conflict
turmoil, confusion?
day in and day out
it is the same
anger, jealousy, pain

is there another way to live
or are we stuck with this for life?

there are as many forms of abuse
as there are of power
ignoring another
minimizing concerns
patronizing
nagging with guilt
constant criticism
distrust
accusation and insult
anger and violence

all aspects of power
differing only in emphasis
all have an underlying sense
of superiority
self-righteousness
entitlement

all manifestations of ego
that grand illusion
created by thought
out of the ruminants of the past

i have an image of myself
as wonderful
or wounded
powerful
or powerless
beautiful
or ugly
a heroin
or martyr

i am building this image everyday
every moment i spend
collecting memories of myself
sifting each experience through its lens

you hurt "me"
by damaging this image
the image now plots revenge
the cycle of conflict continues

why have an image at all?
if there is no image
there is no hurt
no pain
no conflict

in the moment there is no image
only observation, awareness

for the image to end
thought must end

working through a slump

mother mary comes to me...

bright moonlight courtyard
as the majestic canary island pine
stand tall as witness
the playful shadows of leaves
gently swaying in the wind
and the melodous sounds of a flute
flowing from the cd player
as i rock baby in my arms

eternity for a moment

serenity is always there
under a falling leaf
if i care to look,
on the wings of a note
if i care to listen
with the soft caress of a baby's touch
if i care to feel
from the scent of a flower
if i care to smell
inside the juice of a fruit
if i care to taste

jad forces me to slow down the thought process
to stop thinking and be in the moment
to see, hear, touch, taste and smell the roses

what may seem like a burden
taking care of an infant
and giving jad all of my attention
is actually a blessing in disguise
a way to work myself out of this rot called life

little buddha is not screaming out of boredom
but out of fraustration
that i am constantly refusing his invitation
to take a journey together
into eternity

the good and the bad

tell me why i don't like mondays?

there was a big, bright full moon last night
then it was cloudy and grey this morning
the dew casted a spell over the morning commute
and even though the roads were clear
everyone seemed to be driving at a slower pace today
delaying the inevitable...
back to work monday

who really enjoys working
day in and day out
week after week
month after month
year after year?

i hate to work
the endless pressure to improve
the stressful deadlines to meet
the personality conflicts and turf wars
sapping all my energy
with the better part of my life wasted
only a sadist would choose this kind of life!

but i don't have a choice
there is a family to feed
and bills to pay
so i am forced to work
or am i?

i wish that i can find a job that i love
then i will love to work
in the meantime i feel stuck
working just to get by
from check to check
bill to bill

i don't even know what it is i like to do
there are so many choices
but i feel that i have no choice
and am working out of fear
and so i fear work

working does have its moments
but these are few and far apart
and not worth all the stress

how much do i really need
how much is enough
when will i be able to stop?

it seems that the more i accumulate
the more longer it will take for me to have enough
how can this be?

can i end fear now
can i be satisfied with what i have now
can i stop and explore what i might love to do now?

is not having enough the problem
or is the fear of not having enough the problem?
fear is thought
for fear to end, thought must end.

baby's back

midnight blue...

it was warm and sunny today.
me and mom picked oranges
from the huge tree in the backyard
they were really ripe and sweet
the guava tree in front is in full bloom
with hundreds of beautiful red flowers
surrounded by four, pearl white petals
birds visit all day to eat the sweet petals

i still have a cough
but for the first time in a week
i was holding baby today

i feel so complete with him in my arms
as if this is all i was meant to do
no worries or anxiety cross the mind
just satisfaction and fulfillment

we are all limited as humans.
we suffer as a result of our indulgences.
even though we know better
we choose to ignore the truth.
we choose to pursue limitless pleasure
knowing full well that there will be consequences to bear.
pleasure is always followed by pain.
drinking, smoking, overeating
leads to poor health and quality of life,
recklessness, infidelity, and lust
leads to guilt and broken homes
jealousy, greed and selfishness
leads to insecurity, anxiety and fear

we get carried away by thought
which is the basis of all desire
if we had no thought
would there be any desire?
thought is desire
to end the endless pursuit of desire
thought must come to an end

natural childbirth

saturday night is all right now...

its amazing what a day off will do for your spirit !

the day was so beautiful
warm with a cool breeze blowing all day
and the garden is in full bloom
spring is just so lovely
it really makes me feel full of life as well
bursting with joy at all the sights and sounds

jad was born at home three months ago
we had planned it to be as such
everyone around us was filled with fear
what ifs and how comes and whys
sush ignored them and was strong throughout

it was such a good pregnancy
sush walked everyday until the last week
she listened to relaxation cds all day, each day
ate and drank right
but towards the end, the weight was a burden
and it was hard for her to sleep
yet she was never sick or upset
while i got the flu four or five times

i could sense something was happening thursday
sush was feeling something different
and all night we were both restless
about 2 am she saw some blood
and i knew that it was time
so i decided to take friday off

at 10 am, lori, the midwife
confirmed after an examination
that indeed the placenta was leaking
and that sush was already at stage one

now the clock was ticking
either have the baby in 18 hours
or the placenta would dry out
and sush would be forced to go to the hospital

this alone provided an incentive for sush
she kept on willing the baby to come
and bore all of the discomfort with this deadline in mind

we went home and began to prepare for our baby
sush was determined to have a natural childbirth

all day and night sush needed me
with every wave she held me tightly
as she felt pressure from her uterus
which grew increasingly intense as the night wore on
she would only release me
after the pressure had completely subsided
sometimes the waves came one after another
and i would move away
only to rush back again
for her to hold me
with her arms raised above my shoulders

sush was super brave and strong
she never complained of pain
only of discomfort and tiredness

i was glad to hold her each time
i felt part of the process
and was able to monitor her progress more closely

about 2:30 pm i took a nap for a few hours
i knew that it would be a while before i could sleep again
i encouraged sush to sleep as well
but she soon got up
growing afraid and angry
she felt that i was not going to be there
when she needed me most
i knew that i was just conserving energy
and never doubted that i would be there for her
to see her through the entire process
no matter what it took
i was not going to miss the birth of a buddha
for all the world

i awoke around 5 pm and immediately got back into gear
i fed her often and provided lots of water
i timed birthing wave after birthing wave
and the intervals between each wave
while preparing supplies and the birthing room

as each wave came and went
some lasting 10 seconds
others a minute or more
sush listened to the relaxation cds
sat on the toilet and the exercise ball
walked around and rocked
layed on the bed, crouched on all fours
and started the cycle over again

things progressed rapidly in the night
if lori was present the baby might have been born
but i felt that we had to wait for the light of day
the lord buddha was not going to be born in the shadow of the moon
but only in the full rays of the mighty sun
witnessed by all of his fellow creatures and relatives

around 6 am lori called to say that she was on her way
i kept silently willing sush and jad to hang on
but i was mentally prepared to deliver the baby alone

at times when i held sush during a wave,
i felt her uterus up against me
pounding my stomach like a series of rapid, hard punches
so amazing it was to feeling this muscle,
the strongest human muscle of all,
pushing jad along his first journey

it lied dormant all these years
her uterus
never doing a thing
then just when the baby needed it
it was extremely precise and efficient
absolutely correct and pure
not a trace of inperfection

why can't the mind be like this muscle
only thinking when absolutely necessary
otherwise lying dormant
allowing the mind to be clear
free to observe all of life around it,
beauty and ugliness,
always being
ever in the moment

instead of forever occupied, busy, clouded
forever becoming
trapped inside itself
either in the past, or some imagined future
thinking, thinking, thinking...

i was relieved when lori, kelcy and lisa arrived at 7 am
sush immediately went into transformation stage
she started making loud, gutteral sounds for the first time
i held her every time there was a wave as usual
and tried to get the kiddie pool going in between waves

by 8 am we convinced sush to get into the pool
and i got inside with her
the warm water relaxed her a lot
and she leaned over the side of the pool for support
which meant that she didn't need me to hold her
for the first time in 18 hours
i massaged her back instead

i felt the baby's head a few minutes later

it was so soft and fluffy
almost like a toy
i rubbed baby's head for a while
but was afraid to hurt his soft spot
i felt relieved that he was only minutes away
more out of concern for sush than for jad

a few more minutes and the top of jad's head emerged
full of black, half-inch hair
then his large, puffy eyes came out
and he looked at me and blinked a few times

i was the first thing baby jad saw in this world

i felt that i was looking at an alien
the buddha looked totally out of place
yet he seemed so calm and peaceful
in total acceptance of his reality
and in the moment at every turn

a few minutes later and his whole head was out
then one shoulder and the other
sush was not pushing
the baby was birthing naturally

the whole birthing time was natural for sush
she kept on having the waves
holding me while remaining focused and determined
i remained calm and confident throughout
i knew that the earth mother was with us
and it would be a quick, natural and healthy birth

we prepared to catch jad as he came out
lori passed him under sush to kelcy
then i grabbed him under sush
and pulled a little buddha out of the water

jad took his first breath in my arms

lord buddha's first cry was somehow familiar to me
as if i've heard it millions of times before
throughout the span of human existence

i held up her baby for sush
and she touched him for the first time

jad looked kind of funny to me
so young, but in a way, so old as well
and oh so, so tiny
i did not feel attached to this child
i was just observing him
like a bird or flower
he was not beautiful
or ugly
just strange and different
like a new species of plant
i have never seen before

the buddha seemed scared and was shivering
his upset expression was unexpected
and for a moment i did not know how to respond

i held him in the warm water and he calmed down
when he stopped crying he look more as i expected
more natural and serene

i held my little buddha and lost track of time
i did not really feel anything
not pride, relief or happiness
i just felt complete
secure
natural
empty in a good way

for a moment
thought came to an end

i held jad for a while until he started crying again
then i handed him to kelcy who cleaned him up
and provided him with a little oxygen

they helped sush out of the pool
and soon the placenta came out
then she got to hold her baby for the first time

i got out of the pool
took a quick shower
prepared coffee and cookies for all
and called over mom and dad

this experience was already over

and a new one had begun

...

friday night high

i've finally decided to start a blog...
tough week at work.
its testing week. oh boy.
plus i've been sick all week. not again!
is it stress or lowered immunity?
one leads to the other.
but tgif !

i've been away from jaddi for three days now
don't want to make him sick
it is my first separation from him

do i really miss him? after only three months since his birth, i am not as attached
of course i am too selfish to even miss him
i'm enjoying this freedom away from childcare
but when i see him something happens to me
i feel all teary and emotional
especially when he cries and cries
and i feel helpless since i cannot come near him
and i feel guilty for possibly making him sick
and for leaving sush alone to take care of him

before this three day separation i was feeling more attached
i told others that i was falling more in love with him everyday
but of course it is not love
its attachment

love cannot exist when there is desire
love cannot exist when there is thought

love is when i am not
and i am definitely here
thinking, thinking, thinking
2 am and still here

is there any rest for me tonight?
how do i turn off this seemingly eternal light
that keeps me in darkness
and sorrow
boredom
desire?