sickness

cold nights
down to freezing temps
mirror cold hearts
in the lives of waring parents

poor child
missing family
suffering from absence
of carefree days with dad
forced to attend a ghetto pre-school
filled with sorrow and germs
women who can't handle motherhood
abandoning biological ties
exchanging lovers
trading partners
seeking escape from childcare

sweet innocence
living in sickness
loss and becoming
but every other day
i take him for 6 hours
renew his spirit
and body with abandon
healing scars of motherhood
greed and possession
until he returns to servitude
confinement and domination
to become sick again

for a simple flu
he is rushed to the doctor
placed on anti-biotics
wiping out all good bacteria
and just as he starts to get better
forced into the germ-infested school again
to get another flu
rushed again to the doctor
for another week of anti-biotics
each time he gets dad sick
but dad doesn't take any medication
just allows his body to heal naturally
as his child suffers from being drugged
with toxic pharmaceuticals
for no reason
now a week later
they have him on an inhaler
more drugs on the hour
as his health deteriorates
from the medications
and on top of all this
the mother plans last minute trips
driving 1200 miles to visit her friend
with the child strapped into the car seat
for hours upon hours
more absence from dad
undue worry and concern
psychological and medical abuse

denying father's time
at every opportunity
for spite and disregard
today he is returned to me
for a few hours
i have to ignore all this
be calm and wholesome
heal from my own anger
in order to heal my child

a child sicken with medication
caused by undue maternal worry
trapped into a patriarchal mindset
motivated by guilt
greed
possession

i have many allies
the sun, trees and wind
all work to help their offspring

forgiveness

vast pacific
stretching into infinity
healing with each breath
receding into memory
another move ends
entering a new space
next to an old friend
an olive tree
home for singing birds
sunsets and me

we miss the beach
and what it gave wantonly
to a lovely child
and heartbroken father
adventure and discovery
renewal and belonging
bonding and silence
peace, freedom and serenity
a year of growth
from two to three
co-parent to divorcee
all of living in between

moving away was hard
but it had to be done
to be closer to child
to lower carbon footprint
into suburbia's death
crass neighbors
sleepwalking through life
accepting monotony as routine
work, eat, sleep
repeating endlessly

child too sick to visit
rooms filled with empty people
daddy days are lonely
filled with fear, hatred and regret
lust for vengeance and violence
futility

no longer driving for hours
daddy days seem longer
innocent child
lacking hardness
exploring phonics
learning to use a potty
addicted to mighty machines dvds
likes trucks and cars
playing with water
lights and fans

poor child
accepting of reality
manipulating daddy
hurting inside
taking it out on me

i get what i deserve
i did not exit gracefully
was not a good partner
so its my turn to suffer
there has been so little self-reflection
i'm not sure how or what could have changed
how does one deal with inevitability
ignore it or invite it
the result is the same
divorce is in fashion
loyalty a disease
no one wants to be vegan
when its so easy to eat animals

but even as i spiral downwards
into poverty and despair
i have to learn forgiveness
for i need to forgive myself
and i cannot do that
unless i forgive everyone else
and i don't want to raise a child
in hate

with a little help from my friends

cool morning
warming by noon
cold evening into blistery night
ocean clear and blue
curving along a narrow beach
cliffs occupied with homes
raising into layers of mountains
separated by dry valleys

staring at endless waves
we walk along a dirt path
lined with tall palm trees
kicking up dust storms
on our way to farmers market
sampling fruits and flowers
then ice skating for an hour
a child too sweet for words
forming a bond that cannot be replaced
as it starts to become comfortable
abruptly daddy day ends
in tears
my child leaves
me crushed
tears flowing
failure and loss
overwhelming

desperate to escape
i call friends
chat with strangers
go to vegetarian meetups
work on this cause and that
it helps for the while
until i am alone
broken again

seeking continuity
thought manufactures pain
through attachment
dependency
and self-pity
totally unrelated to the moment
psychological pain is mere illusion
a problem of the privileged
completely unnecessary for survival
thought serves it up unrelentingly
pushing all the right buttons
into the programs that we are
knowing full well that emotions
is the gateway to ego preservation
i have to accept all this
there is no way out
life is what it is
you play the cards you're given
until the game is over
a few win the money race
but most lose in shame
there is dignity in not competing

thought will go on
playing its games
all powerful and consuming
i can never end thought
thought can only end me

awaking the desert

high on the cliff
miles of car lights
rimmed the coastline below
above stars clear on a dark night
suddenly
rolling fast and furious
an ominous wall of smoke
enveloping the land in its path
shrouding life into mystery
perception into painting
the dry air moistens
and rain drops fell
for the first time in six months
soothing pitter-patter
drumming all night
washing the earth clean
leaves, flowers, tree trunks
sidewalks, streets, buildings
water finally arrives
awaking the desert

the child is so smart
loves playing hide and seek
hiding under a blanket
on the bed
while i count and search
around and around
until i "find" him
over and over again
building a train track
and a cover for the trains
watching "mighty machines"
fire trucks, saw mill, trucks
playing with sand
running in the surf
riding on the bike
singing a song with dad

earth is a beautiful place
evil exist only in our hearts
relationship is mis-communication
the world mirrors
the hate in our heart and homes
being alone is a blessing
once you have the understanding
of being one with nature
you can't be lonely
if "you" are not there
realization is personal
it starts and ends with each self
it is for you and no one else
cast not pearls to swine
you can't enlighten anyone
unless they are willing to learn

animals exist in a state of need
self-preservation is survival for the community
it's not for self
the word is very misleading
it mean being selfless
desire only exists in human beings
this desire is the cause of our sorrow
the self is desire
when the self is subtracted
there is no desire
there is only need
community survival

living in the vessel

fall begins hot
sunny and dry
today a marine layer
rolling in from the ocean
beautiful fog at the park
crossing police lines
the screeching last night
was a hit and run
packed farmers market
music on the promenade
scene of last's night outreach
screening of meet your meat and earthlings
to indifferent masses
down the pier onto the beach
splashing in the mother
more polluted each day
sad inheritance for a child
warm sand welcomes
trek up the incline
back to daddy's home
shower and lunch
separation anxiety as our end draws near
a child desperately trying to bond
before the executioner comes
with a knock at the door
the smiling enemy awaits
as our lives fall apart
poor child wishes denied
every daddy day
by walls of hate and accumulation
gone from daddy a long time

this vessel is old
bereft of all joy
a mere playground for thought
tired of the endless cycle
of births in thought
i used to think that thought
would end with the body
now i see there is no end
not only will a body reemerge
to be reoccupied by thought
but thought itself will survive
through all the other bodies
mammal, bird and fish
there is no end
there will never be an end
any attempt to escape is doomed
the only temporary respite
in death
before reformulation
into another vessel
another pawn for thought

long summer days heat endless nights

i was walking along a crowded street
headed to lunch at a seedy restaurant
all alone with a heavy heart
desperate to escape from my part
in the failure of a beautiful start
running away from loss and anger
refugee from the land of pleasure
lady luck laughing at each corner
at my eyes glued to the floor
wary, shy, hopeless to find
someone with me in mind
unwilling to settle for less
knowing i'm far from the best
searching blindfolded for a mirage
watching hours blend into days
joylessly existing in a magical universe
living becomes just growing old

waiting, waiting to be free from pain
waiting, waiting for sunshine and rain
waiting, waiting and going insane
waiting, waiting to be daddy again

--------------------------------------------------

out of the blue
she allowed my child to call
"daddy, can you come over?"
a few words then click
it should make me happy
but instead i am devastated
reminded of the petty greed
that led to a child growing up alone
denied a father for no reason
denied visits to paternal grandparents
denied a minute beyond scheduled court time
as they place him in mental captivity
gloating and plotting
as they instill hatred into my child

"daddy, why don't you have any money?"
"why do you have such a small home?"
"i will call the police on you"
"i want the police to lock you up"

my poor tormented child
daily confusion is a way of life
watching his worlds dissolve
into a toxic soup of hatred and death
raised to ignore paternity and reality
raised to be insanely greedy
to chop the last tree standing
before the next fool makes the buck
parroting them calling daddy a fool
for trying to live differently
being who i am naturally
rather than trying to be
someone else
living their misery

we are old friends

hot days and nights
burning beach sand
crashing waves
the mother cools

so sharp at three and a half
a child developing thought
through memorization
recall
repetition
thought is so ancient
becoming trapped into ego
is unavoidable
but the body is older
the most important lesson
is learning how to release thought
allowing the body to be free
of itself
breaking through the wall
of individuality
isolation
becoming one with all
the sand
birds
ocean

child on a week vacation
dad is unattached
feeling light
unburdened by guilt
managing some addictions
until the ex return
with her routines
court filings
child protective service
daily calls to the police
all in an ongoing attempt
to gain sole possession
to force a parent
to abandon his child

this i will never do
not because of ego
my child is like all children
with one significant difference
i am his biological father
this he nor i can deny
nor would we ever want to
our bodies are inter-connected
we are ancient comrades
together again for another lifetime
through countless births
i have never abandoned this comrade
this will not be the first time
even if he is more attached
to my greatest enemy

how does one deal
with eternal foes
reflecting hate
can never lead to truth
and it is not possible
to calm a self-righteous monster
the only recourse
is patience
steadfastness
maintaining integrity
until they decide
to lesson their own torment
by loosening your chains

favorite songs

nice clean sand
hot day at dume beach
at the far point
we climbed to the top of the hill
at sunset
300 degrees of ocean
waves crashing below

attachment is a curse
forever carrying shadows
of loss and pain
there is nothing else
besides escaping from this shadow
in our life

time is a cruel ordeal
forcing divorced children to struggle
with attachment
each daddy day
but managing the conversion
from stranger
to child
then back to stranger again
in six hours
cannot be easy
how does this affect a child
living a life of separation
never having any stability
any normalcy or security
hopes of reconciliation
raised and crushed each day

they withdraw
practice dis-attachment
self-hate and ambivalence
but they are still children
who want to love their father

a three year old searches for memories
of their last meeting
of favorites songs heard
of people, places and things
desperate to connect
to find common ground
with the stranger
before he is lost again

all is maya/illusion
attachment is thought
thought exist because of fear
fear of the unknown
fear of the present and future
too fearful to live
we hide in illusion
we use thought to interpret the present
and predict the future
to mitigate our fears
but then thought takes over
and we stop living
thought is a mess
its only aim is continuity
it serves up ego
self-aggrandizement
guilt, greed, jealousy, hate, love
everything including the kitchen sink
to keep us enamored and entrapped

accepting shadows
accepting the unknown
makes a moment possible
of ending thought

premonitions

azul, verde and rojo
flowers in bloom
hot summer day
cool off shore breeze
sunset over the mountains
dead bird on the beach

torn between two sides
jad is learning self-hate
"daddy, you are a bad man"
"you are not good"
"is mommy going to run away today?"
so much turmoil
for one so young
and if the family war wasn't enough
he's tossed out of the house
forced into church-run daycare
three days a week, all day
8 am to 6 pm
with male predators lurking around
spending more time with strangers
than with his own daddy

emotionally deteriorating
he takes it out on everyone
jad is the school bully
and i am prevented from visiting
to find out who he fights with
and why

today we crossed paths
after i dropped jad off at the house
heading to the police station
to get a copy of a police report
she was going to the library next door
and claimed i was stalking her
she ran inside the station to make a report
she had all of their ears
bored, they liked listening to her sorrows
she flirts with the men
they allow her to file a domestic violence case
and they report me for creating a disturbance
at the police station
the disturbance was her asking
to file a case against me
i never said a word to her

i was there to pay for a report
which i then learned
they had declined to file
of her abandoning the child at 7:00pm
one night the previous week
after leaving us outside for three hours
she ran out of the house
into a friend's awaiting car
speeding off from a screaming child
rather than satisfy her custodial duties
trying to force me to do overnights
but now claiming she was scared of me
why didn't she call the police then
every time i pick up my son now
she threatens to call the police
every time
but that night she couldn't?

gearing up to go to court again
she's changed her tune on overnights now
her new story is
"i am not going to allow overnights"
"you need to have a separate room for him"
"you are an unfit father"

all this conflict
due to "maternal love"
playing with fire daily
burning the child in the process
continually making attempts
to end paternal relationship
the final solution
of selfish gendered minds
who can't stand a child's innocence
questioning their hateful existence
daily
they may succeed
after birth
daddy's are an expendable commodity

how much mothers changed
before the birth
she was obsessed with languages
and wanted him to learn four or five languages
and planned all these different activities
she had him learning to sign at two months
but then the divorce came at two years
now all he learns is curses
police and court language
poor child
already trapped in thought at three
never had a chance to be any different
and maybe losing daddy

blessed by sorrow

living on the coast
allows you to escape
inland heat
running, biking, skating, walking
people are more relaxed
friendly

i got the greatest gift today
my child for a few hours
he curses a lot
i don't care and ignore it
likes playing with trucks
and mixing liquids
says the saddest things
"no one loves me"
"i like only you"

sometimes
divorced dads need a break
from the agony of co-parenthood
from the raging battle
over a three year old
watching helplessly
as a child's life
rolls down hill
faster and faster
the destruction gaining momentum
on an energy of its own

as if by design
the drama unfolds
in every possible way
for empty egos
to fill themselves
with self-induced pain
in order to gain sympathy
with false friendship

narrow minds
filled with hate
become very predictable
today i was told
the exchange point was changed
to the police station
poor child
the white desk officer was sympathetic
saying this required court orders

and as fate would have it
i got arrested by an asian cop
a few hours later
for riding while black
for not having a bike license
the first such citation in santa monica
at the top of the california incline
reminds me of the importance of freedom
and anti-apartheid work
in order to do what i must
i have to stop being who i am

sorrow's cry is powerful
perhaps overwhelming
it is also healing
there were many attempts
over the years
opportunities to hear its urgent call
i broke down and listened
for months
but then i escaped
into someone else
and became deaf again
this time around
i stayed with it
got into it deeply
deeper than ever before
with no one around
and no chance to escape

suddenly one evening
as i drove in tears
it dawned upon me
that my pain was a lesson
sorrow is really universal
and if i continue to view it
as my own individual pain
i will live in illusion
feeding my ego
in self-pity

sorrow was transformed
there was a release of sorts
it doesn't have the same strength
not as paralyzing as before
i am free for a while

reject

crescent moon smiling
at morning star
wisps of fog
rolling over hills
tall redwoods
and a crowd of familiar strangers
a park at dawn
is heaven for awaking birds

having rejected the outside
humans have no relationship
to our natural world
to the life in it
ourselves included
stuck in the past
trapped inside our heads
lonely
isolated
in our own self-inflicted rejection
all we are is emotional pain

can love be granted and withdrawn
is romance real or fantasy
who is the one that rejects
who is it that gets rejected
what is one rejected from

an entire life
spent in a bubble
fearfully monogamous
to avoid rejection
yet always punctured
and deflated by rejection

it is painful the first time
and the last
after three years
seven years
or 14
after small rejections
and bigger ones

worst of all
each time like clockwork
all previous rejections
that never really went away
rush out from hiding
to assault self-esteem
from all fronts
burning all comfort and joy
in an unrelenting march of tears

being a reject
is always painful
whatever the reason given
absence, religion, money
none less painful than another
and in confused frustration
rejection hurts even more
as you reject another's advance
feeling the same desolation
as you do

animals
escaping reality
exploring romantic fantasies
playing ego's games
are bound to suffer

rejection is also internal

my relationships ended
when i changed
and rejected parts of myself
i no longer wanted to be
carnivorous
uncreative
greedy
denying social responsibility

as long as i played the game
i was tolerated
my tragedy has been
that i never remain the same
i continue to learn and grow
accumulating a heavy burden of truth
until i can deny it no longer
each time i know
that if i change the rules
the game would be over
but i am left with no choice
i reject parts of myself
and the other
as a consequence
as they refuse to change

in the romance cycle
we're not trying to find someone else
we merely seeking validation
of ourselves
and when this ends
so too does romance
in a narcissistic game
in which we "love" only ourselves
reflected in others

for those bent on change
buried in rejections' ashes
there is tremendous growth
and strength
i will undo no change
for reconciliation

a reject from the world of men
greed and possessions
truth is a lonely path

as i walk daily
i remind myself
this path cannot be shared
by anyone else

least of all
someone from a different path
an animal refusing to change
from a life spent
in unrelenting pursuit
of romantic escapism
from rejection

Jad's Room 09

Jad's Room 08

moving on

clear cool skies on the beach
big puffy clouds inland
a few drops of rain
washes the air clean
but cannot quench a desert's thirst
in new york for a week
the temperate forest is vast and alive
pine and oak perfume the air
in the heart of the biggest city

for the first time this week
i picked up my three year old at pre-school
he's too young for this
but what do father's know
he was playing alone in the sand
as 15 kids buzzed around
as we eat and prepare to leave
four girls chant
"jad, jad, jad,"
i wonder if they do this
when all the boys leave

daddy days are too short
and too few
i pack food and drive an hour
to become a father at ten am
greeting a fussy child
who is then trapped
in a child seat and moving car
for another hour
to daddy's exile

poor child
too depressed, bored and tired
to enjoy anything
park, beach, museum
at noon we struggle to eat
the food i heated up at 9am
is now cold and unfresh
everything gets tossed
nap time
too hungry to sleep
more driving until finally
asleep by one pm or later
for longer periods these days
i stare and ponder our life
but even before he awakes
its time to head back
awaking during the trip
hungry and energetic
but it's time to say goodbye
daddy day is over
separation anxiety ensues

each time
the child hopes and prays
his parents would get back together again
but it's no use
his mother doesn't want daddy back
like all right-minded
practical
positively oriented people
she's already moved on
new work, wardrobe and renewed sexuality
anything to escape
the bitter reality she creates daily
for an innocent child

we watch as they drive off
"where is he talking my mommy?"
how can you talk about betrayal to a child

mothers will never understand
how their sexuality affects sons
it is the main cause of marginality among men
as they seek to possess something they cannot have
boys are naturally jealous
even of their own fathers
so when strangers have close relations with their mother
powerless to do anything about it
sons implode and go insane
especially with fathers still in the picture
this betrayal damages their lives forever

how do i help my son
cope with his mother moving on

if i was out of the picture completely
it would be easier for him
to grow and accept the constant betrayal
that will eat away his psyche
plus the back and forth between parents
breaks his heart three days a week
confuses his reality
and disturbs whatever bit of stability he has

is my attachment to my child
and continuing to see him
even so few hours each week
damaging him even more
by constantly rubbing salt on wounds
that never get a chance to heal

is it responsibility
or pride
that keeps me from giving up
from moving on
from a 40 year old child
her offspring
and a tricked i was played

sadly, divorce is rarely once
and mothers drag sons
through the living hell
of various men's lives
all this time
to be tormented and abused
as she is
plus from her sexuality
sons are psychologically raped
in more ways than a mother ever know
transient and disfigured for life
a part-time single dad
may be the only safe space
a broken boy could share silently
his life of betrayal

father's of such sons
cannot move on
not if they care for their child
because they know their child
can never move on

moving on is different for girls
its why they can adapt better
but they have other issues
related to mom's sexuality
as the men exploit them sexually as well

what is the use in having a child
if you cause them to be abused like this
intentions are worthless
as the pain and suffering it causes
multiplies

mothers who have no idea how to live their lives
and who are thoughtless as to how
they continue to ruin their own children's lives
are the last that should be encouraged
to move on
for women sold a consumerist dream
of freedom, independence and the pursuit of happiness
will forever remain disappointed
as men continue to use them as long as they can
forcing them to continually use sexuality
to seek the great american illusion

moving on
is really moving around
back into the circle
becoming trapped again

in the space that exist
between the desire to escape
from present pain
and the certainty of future conflict
in this chaos
there are possibilities
a creative space
of daily deaths and rebirths
from which emerges
a freedom, independence and happiness
that does not require escape into mutual use
a single parent alone but never lonely
one who understands
what moving on is
what it does to already damaged children
someone who has moved on
from escaping through mutual use

tearing innocence apart

grey cool day
fog rolling in
high tide with low winds
a pod of dolphins
swimming slowly north
missing sea lion
weeks since it perched
searching for shells
watching sea gulls fly
we rescued a sea cucumber
washed up on the beach
the innocent child needs saving
but no one can help

"i want mommy and daddy
in my home
i was happy then
i want mommy and daddy"

nearing the end
of daddy day
upset child
with mixed feelings
all day mad at daddy
"i don't want to be with you"
cursing to see my reaction
then at the end
"i don't want to go"
18 hours out of 168 each week
is hardly enough time with a parent

as parental alienation takes it toll
hate fills a sacred space
once filled with a natural bond
affiliation shredded
for pieces of gold

a rock can never replace a father
regardless of how shiny it is
every child knows this
and do not understand why
adults pretend it does
divorcing themselves
from children's reality
destroying happiness
over stones

why do we waste our lives in greed
building sand castles
working until death
to make more
so that one great day
when we have enough
we'll be happy
that day never comes
and we destroy all life
all innocence
all happiness
in this hopeless pursuit

children are the voiceless victims
of this human disease
of gendered thought
who else but men
would create a world
that values money above life

children suffer in revolt
acting out to maintain their own sanity
until they too become infected
learning to replace innocence
with greed

completely selfish
adults don't take responsibility
for the conflict
we introduce in children's lives
blaming them is much easier
so we apply discipline
where love is needed

gendered mothers
value money and time
over family and children's emotional health
trapped in a patriarchal world
forced to justify fratricide
they take out frustrations on the innocent
throughout the day
forcing their children
into a physical and psychological corner

- go to the corner
- go to your room

this order reveals negative adult behavior
more than any action of a child
who merely models in kind
impatience
superiority
authority
anger
abuse

using 'tough love'
to raise a child
is more adult madness

no human can ever know love
mutual use is all there is
that's why childhood is a special time
one of less selfishness
we innately know this
but choose to forget
this time of innocence

to share that joy
adults have to live with a child
with infinite patience
without any authority
or reaction

love only exists
with complete absence of ego
in a state of the unknown
beyond thought

adult humans are the most tragic specie
destroying what we need most
trying to rescue children
when we need saving ourselves
tearing innocence apart
never ever knowing
that it's exactly what
we're searching endlessly for
all our lives

blooming at night

such a beautiful day
the beach was warm
even at sunset
the surf pounding close to shore
the air refreshing
summer is heaven
meaning lies underneath every leaf

for dad and son
its our death anniversary
a year after divorce papers were served

i've traveled a bit
down this lonely road
single, grieving
missing a three year old
then having to deal with him alone

first i blamed myself
then i blamed the child
lastly i blamed the woman
now i understand
its really the fault
of all men

are women as greedy as men
would a woman choose money
over the emotional health of a child
money may be most things
but its not everything
it doesn't compare to a child

people with money are crazy
they ruin a child's life
because of paternal poverty
then give rich lawyers the money instead
now they want my consent
to give more money to rich psychiatrists
to try to cure their child

who is insane
the three year old
or the guardians who would even think
of taking a three year old
to a psychiatrist

for what

- i am concerned about the way he is behaving
- i'm not sure what he says or acts with you
- he needs more consistency in behavior

i.e we need to follow her rules

are they "her" rules
or those of the grandfather
darth vader himself

this divorce is hell
i'm 47 years old
sometimes i cannot stand to bear another minute of it
its the most difficult experience i've ever had
i cry and write to recover

how does a three year old respond
to parental alienation
to a non-custodial dad who failed him
to the back and fort bickering
to the complete absence of love in his life

conflicted in his feelings
sometimes hateful
other times needing touch
he screams and throws food

how do adults respond to this

how long does it take
for a child
or adult
to heal from this abuse
somethings never heal

how much time
should we give a three year old
to accept his emotional death
and conform to the insanity around him

aren't mothers inherently more patient
what would drive a mother to psychiatry
so soon

is time a product of patriarchy
why is time important
time is money
all men can think about is money

the flower blooms at night
as men gather around
with shears snapping
counting the seconds
for day break
eyes gleaming in orgasm
at the thought of another convert
of more accumulation
of more greed

flowers

i want to pick some flowers
for my mommy
that will make her so happy

a child at three
already bears a grave burden
the sadness of adults in their lives
innocently trying to help
as adults tear themselves apart
in the interest of the child

each child is a flower
blooming in darkness
children can't afford to wait for sunlight
in which they bloom even more
in the cool night air
they instinctively know
that the acid rain of tears
showering from adults above
will soon wither them to a stalk
and come morning
the cold steel clippers
of greed, control and authority
will cut them to the ground
life is overnight
there is no tomorrow

what would our children be like
if they were allowed to live in sunshine

if we cared for children
as everyone profess they do
why do we spend so much energy
building dark clouds
of greed, hate and conflict
do we want them to become like us

division

sunny day on the beach
the sea lion
perch on a rock
dogging big waves
two dolphins swim
soft feet on sand
searching for rocks
the mother heals

division
powerful word
why are we divided
who are we divided from

an animal
beautiful body
engaged with life
in survival and sex

but there is a dark witness
watching over the body's pursuit
of survival and sex
this darkness seeks continuity
of itself

the witness thinks constantly
steps to the center
fantasizing it is the center

life ends
the weird image flashes mindlessly
until it dies from exhaustion

division ends
the body continues
as other parts of life

the open door

foggy day last time
we visited a museum
saw superman coming through a wall
made the coyote howl
spun the fan
dug for pots
went into the mountains
then to the lagoon
watched hundreds of birds
pelicans, coots and ducks
an egret and cormorants

today was colder
but we ventured out
and landed in a tide pool
with thousands of clams and anemones
a few hermit crabs
and sitting on the end of the rocks
a giant sea lion
after a long nap
dinner with a vegan group
many famous women
all in love with the child

each day is glorious
it is wonderful to be alive
to share life with a heavenly child
even though it gets tiring after six hours
it does take a village
and its not fair for a child
to not even have a nuclear family
a single dad raising a child
i have to create a community from scratch
starting with the beach
the ocean mother
the few animals that's left
these are the relatives
a child needs most to see

wonder

absolutely beautiful day
sunny with no wind
70 degrees warm
big waves
crashing onto the beach
the horizon to infinity

we played in the sand
construction site
with dump truck
cement truck
and crane truck
the child played
for two hours
slept
then played again
for another two hours
mostly alone
yet never wants to leave

slowly
each day near the sea
the universal mother soothes
filling us with nothing
leaving no trace
parting without tears

at three
the child hardly eats food
has a sweet tooth and desire sweets
candy, cake, soda
enjoys fruit
likes fried rice
soup and noddles
sometimes indian lentil and rice
chinese vegetables and rice

understands time
"i have to wait all day for dada"
likes singing
"abcdefg..."
makes up melodies and songs
know feelings
"i told grandma, i didn't feel good"
"you cried for me, dada?"
excellent recall
names people and animals
cartoon plots
what happened last night
what we did the last time together

amazing how much stuff is there already
soaks everything up
likes to run, jump and exercise
explore and look for different things

when the child was born
something happened to me
i was reborn as well
i didn't feel i had to change
it happened naturally
after a long absence
i started writing again
and awoke my creative side
it was important for both of us

one of my greatest role models
rachel carson said
“If a child
is to keep alive
his inborn sense of wonder
without any such gift from the fairies
he needs the companionship
of at least one adult
who can share it,
rediscovering with him
the joy,
excitement
and mystery
of the world
we live in”

the child is mine
i am doing what is right
for both of us
more important that any career
i must help him
keep a sense of wonder
by continually rediscovering life
with him

losing attachment

windy cold day
gray and cloudy
36 hours is an eternity
for a child on a seconds clock
enough to go from love to hate
from one daddy day to the next

fussy child
resenting being thrown out
of mother and home
to a lone stranger
preferring grandma
crying to go back to mommy

mixed blessings
losing attachment to a father
children aren't as sad
over destruction of family
and remain clueless
to paternal pain
thankfully they're in the moment
whatever it is
still too young
to cultivate sorrow

we stop at a dog park
dozens of animals
large and small
white, brown and black
most are from a shelter
spending a few hours outside a cage
happy to be alive
acting the same
its funny to see
owners treating one as special
children are no different

walking to the beach
warm sand
using blocks
watching trucks
gathering wild flowers
sleeping to the sound of waves
never wanting to leave
cupcakes are a huge draw
thank god for vegan restaurants
nine and a half hours later
saying goodbye to a new friend
hugging him one last time
attached for the moment

how do these daily changes
uncertainly
difference
rejection
abandonment
affect a growing psyche
and fuel conflict in the world

so many more things
can be done for a child
within a community
dad alone can do so much
mom is tired all the time
showing only hate and anger
for each other
the realities of modern life
where children are valued
in terms of future accumulation
who cares damn how they get through the day

thought is ready to give up
wishing for a childless past
freedom for someone else fantasies
life before this living hell
to cut loose from the careless finger
toying with the yo-yo of fatherhood

assuming they know how the enemy feels
fathers are quick to receive superior wisdom
from other divorced mothers
filled with cruel irony
revealing the utter futility of their enterprise
"life goes on" -
and so it does
second after painful second
"it gets better" -
i suppose there is a difference
between 99 and 100 degrees water
i should be thankful that one leaves me
with slightly less severe burns
"hang in there" -
this one is just plain cruel
as if it's meant to be taken literally
advice this self delusional
regurgitated from the depths
of thought's selfishness
i can do without
and thankfully never received
for a man in the same predicament

at the end of the visit
all that matters
is missing a child
and waiting patiently
to see which one will show up
the next time
after being worked over and worked up
for another 36 hours
into father-hating thoughts
the only antidote for which
is another beautiful daddy day

fear is not love

las fores canyon
high above the ocean
has cool mountain air
sharp and crisp
flowing gently as you nap
it is very quiet
as the sea reaches infinity
a heavenly blueness
as far as you can see
we return below
tracing the river's path
to a wooded park
and noisy parrots
green as young leaves
great at camouflage

so too is thought
in human affairs
the grandpowers returned
from vacation
and the child's mother
is back into hate
eviscerating sorrow
it is much preferred
how pathetic is gendered thought
fearfully watching
as two patriarchies compete
to death
waiting to pick up the pieces
as the child splits apart

using fear
to legitimize irrationality
and browbeat fathers
threathening to regularly drug test a child
to challenge paternal rights
using hate
to legitimize abuse
and alienate children
from the inside out

mothers are conveniently clueless
about this psychological damage
thought is ambivalent
immoral

who is to blame
for child abuse
how does one protect a child
from all forms of abuse

every night
for several years
i was sexually abused
by a man
my mother's cousin
in a bed a few doors away
mere feet from her own

later
for whatever reasons
i was abandoned
for more years
left with a stranger
my father
a man i was taught to hate
and who i still blame
for everything
as my child does me

mothers claim innocence
all is done
with good intentions
for the best interest of the child
who gains a penny
and loses a soul
convenient cluelessness

simple decisions
made by thought as adults
may appear harmless
but they have powerful effects
and lasting impact
on innocent children
thought couldn't be bothered
as it pursues the next fear
the next hate

trapped in thought
you can sit on a beach for hours
and not see the sand
hear the ocean
or see a wave
until you find a hill
and start to jump down
one more last time

nothing

you run around
while i chase you
you sit on ground
i sit there too
you dig the sand
i dig the view
you hurt your hand
i want to hug you

you climb on up
i have to warn you
you jump on down
i try to catch you
you're feeling hungry
i'm there to feed you
you're feeling tired
i soothe you

its just the two of us
on an average day
driving in the car
you're in the back
chilling in the child seat
waking from your nap
and we both excited
looking for a spot
can't wait to go inside
daddy's new home

little star

twinkle, twinkle little star
how i wonder where you are

coughing again
poor child
short visit with dad
on a cool, rainy day
at the very end
the child started singing
for the first time
just before she took him away
for two more days

what is this strange hell
i've placed myself in
ever since my child left
i've been unable to function
missing my heart so much
unable to be with him
in a meaningful way
wasting my life
while my child grows
without me
filled with so much hate
hurt
hopelessness
capable of anything

thought has it triggers
this song is one of them

divorce
is a deep pain
it affects everyone
friends and relatives alike

another call
another relative
taking to others
about the divorce
defending the indefensible
"he is a big man
he knows how far to bend
he gave it his all
to make it work
there is nothing more
he could do
the kid will grow up
time flies"
father thanks brother
for telling him
he needed to hear to that
then he talked about the mother
and her views about it

while everyone weeps
the child is oblivious
impervious to attachment
simply accepting what is
neither happy or sad
part of the movement of life
not yet trapped in thought

thought has placed us here
to live out its desire
for continuity
through attachment
longing
grief
to escape from all this
to be like the child
thought cannot be used
it is not a tool
there are no tools

carpe diem

awake with me to watch sunrise
step through darkness to light
raising up with the dawning
growing into a circle of life
center on the radiant energy
emerging from the endless void
open your wings and take flight
its another beautiful morning

children are in the moment
constantly moving
fathers who relate
must move right along
the minute you feel sorry
you're back in past
adapt or suffer
there must be no regret
do what you can
life will fill in the gaps

the world
is filled with pain
that of me and my child
does not compare
to billions starving
in focusing on one child
we neglect all others
the inherent unfairness
of this obsession
in self-interest
is the root of human problems

this does not mean
one had to be unconcerned
uncaring
dis-attached
to give up the struggle
from one's children
its not either/or
one can do both

divorce is death
to the nuclear family
it is also the beginning
of single life
which can be rewarding
a time of acceptance
rediscovery
renewal
sharing precious moments
with child
and the world
doing what you can
with what time you've got
with child or without
keeping in mind always
that the greatest gift
to your children
is the gift of you
being yourself

misogynist

a short and great day
for dad and son
playing on a warm beach
watching dolphins
digging a hole
for a turtle
to lay its eggs
in the sand

be true to all things in life
in your darkest hour
your own light
will save you
issues you care about
new friends
re-discovering favorite authors
a kind stranger
an old girlfriend

thought is so pleased
and lightening fast
eliminating years
in a second
regurgitating a glorified past
devoid of conflict
differences
greed

spinning new yarns
this one really cared for me
that one just used me
playing the game
of getting played
of mutual use
another child's life to be ruined

what would happen
if all babies were sterilized
and new humans were produced in a test tube
how would that affect gender relations
what would humanity look like
without motherhood

how does thought maintain itself
through the concept of motherhood
what are its implications for adulthood
how does it affect womanhood
women mental health
being childless
not having a son

what are the repercussions
of thought's manifestation as mother
on global population
and its effects on bio diversity
on fashion and consumerism
on sustainable development

thought is illogical
immoral
irrational

the worst enemies of the environment
are women in developed countries
who claim they love mother earth
and want to protect her
for their children

many of these women are shopaholics
addicted to consumerism
purchasing far more than they need
and what the earth can sustain
dozens of shoes made from cows
bags of cosmetics tested on animals
racks of clothes made by child laborers
they throw away most of it
after little use
destroying animals
the poor
and our fragile planet
mindlessly

thought will be the death of us all
then it will be no more
stupid thought
it doesn't care
just as long as it can continue
its stupidity
for the next second
and the next
and another
living second to second
desperate fool
that's all i'll ever be

the tree and the bench

the tree and the bench

old friends
standing together
weathered by seasons
of summer's heat
spring down pours
winter storms
fall's mighty winds

providing shade
for bench's company
tree was around
playful children
lovers in bubble
lonesome widows and men

until bench broke
tree sits calmly
as children rush by
lovers quarrel
people disappear

tree has no regrets
broken or not
bench is still there

moody

the brief summer
is gone
back to gray skies
cool weather
drizzling rain
washing everything clean
except our minds

today was daddy day
there are good days
and bad days
depending on the child's mood
the weather
and maternal manipulation
all three were present
today was a bad day

i picked the child up at 11 am
fussy
upset
naughty
spilling his juice and water
throwing dad's eye glasses
not eating
all day long like this
he just could not be pleased
even on the beach

at 5:30 pm
the crying started
as we prepared to leave
and he cried all the way to his home
"i want to stay with daddy"
"i want to go to santa monica"
"i want to sleep with you"

we get there half-hour early
she purposely keep us waiting
in the dark outside
hungry and cold
until the assigned time
at 7:00 pm on the dot
she shows up
cavalier
smug
indifferent
she's made her stupid point
and forced me to wait for her

the child runs after me
as i leave
overwhelmed by attachment
and compassion for my child
my heart shatters
into a million pieces
i cry all the way back

thought is perfect
in its devastation
its induced pain
all-consuming
never ending
addictive
regresses me back to childhood
when i used to cry for hours
long after i'd forgotten
why i started
perhaps schopenhauer is right
sorrow is our natural state of being

i write to exorcise
all that happened
so i can become whole again
until the next time
visitation can be hard on single dads
it leaves me
emotionally bankrupt
filled with anger
hopeless
morbid
the joys of fatherhood
are over-rated

why did i do it
why did i chose the wrong mother
a modern woman who wanted an accessory
her designer child
rather than an intact family
for that creature inside her
i knew this would be bad
and tried to prepare myself
mentally for its eventuality
but living a divorce each day
is on a whole new level

oddly enough
after the pregnancy
living with her
was worse
her demeanor changed overnight
and i finally saw what was inside
impatience
self-absorption
superiority
it was like
"you finally did your job
now get lost"

despite my sexist denial
there is a part of me
which recognizes
that i've been played
up and down the block
for over a decade
i need to honor that part
it will save me
from being fooled again
a lesson learned
late
is infinitely better
than short-sighted denial

i've wasted all my life
in romanticism
cultivating attachment
practicing martial detachment
through purposeful withdrawal
from the problems of the world
mindlessly using another
for my pleasure
the chickens have come home to roost
i enjoyed 30 years of stupor
now its time for the pain

where's my daddy

where's my daddy

where's my daddy
is he under the chair
maybe by the stair
i think he is near
there's singing in my ears
the smell of tufu in the air
and i've lost my fears

where's my daddy
is he over here
what's that camping gear
those things he wears
me and him are a pair
a dad like him is rare
is that daddy over there

where's my daddy
why does everyone not care
can't you see i'm in tear
i don't want your teddy bear
or the stuffed gray mare
i want someone who is dear
i want my daddy here

the battleground changes

sunny and warm
clear blue skies
such fine sand on venice beach
the mother felt cold
and with few stones in her path
we splashed for a while
then rolled down a sandy hill
the child wanted to play more
but daddy knew they had to go
it was already close to four

with property and possessions settled
thought narrows its stupendous focus
on the child
thought just digs children
they represent continuity
which just happens to be thought's purpose
for the child's maternal owners
generations of village in-breeds
the child's genetic mutation
was a regretful necessity
which will be overcome
through identity programming
cultural, psychological, social, intellectual
all will be completely maternal
dad's 18 hours a week
represents a threat to their conditioning
and it must be challenged at each second

and so it started today
the sun was just setting
when we got to the child's owner home
she had a big smile
standing by the police car
we were an hour late
so she had called the state
to report the child was kidnapped
by his father


thought is all there is
it is living as we know it
its manifestations may be gendered
but it is still thought

women are sick and ugly
violent and spiteful
like men
they are mere manifestations
completely immoral
completely thought

the enlightened life
is being yourself
without a charade
being who we really are
and trusting it
i am thought
onward to battle then

possessions

its summer in winter
85 degrees today
a record
i loved every bit of it
it was daddy day
the ocean didn't feel so cold
jad played with his cars in the sand
alone for a minute
as i relaxed for the first time
determined to allow him to be upset
we both did ok

coming to settlement
meant walking away from money
but leaving the birth home
meant all the possessions inside
were meaningless
none of it
could ever make a child
emotionally whole again

divorce changes everything
your entire life plan
career, work, vacation, travel
visiting friends and relatives
your outlook is very different
as a member of an intact family
but as a non-primary parent
with a few court-assigned hours
time with your children
is more precious
normal activities
feel abnormal
without your child

one gets so attached to things
bought from around the world
carted from place to place
for decades
books of favorite poets
writers
activists
it all gathered dust
in martial bondage
a thousand books
without a second to read

with the chains now broken
i have no need for possessions
i can live life
and write books
whatever i possess
is worthless
compared to that which
i cannot possess
a leaf
flower
the beach

whenever i show up at the house
to pickup my child
boxes of my stuff are placed outside
she is always surprised
when i refuse to take anything
possessions for them
and this world
is the reason for living

but rarely used clothes and books
are better off donated
to others who might find them useful

the marital bond
was a material one
the more it had
the more it wanted
there was never enough
it was doomed to fail

it was gibran who said
the most pitiful among men
is he who turns his dreams
into silver and gold

a father dreams
of being a friend
to a boy he hardly knows
who hates him
for being so miserable
and alone
of raising a child
to care for the earth
in a world mad with possessions

“The love of money as a possession
- as distinguished from the love of money
as a means to the enjoyments and realities of life
- will be recognized for what it is,
a somewhat disgusting morbidity,
one of those semi-criminal,
semi-pathological propensities
which one hands over with a shudder
to the specialists in mental disease."
John Maynard Keynes quotes (English economist, journalist, and financier, 1883-1946)

settlement

it was cold today
we walked three blocks
down the ramp
over us 1
across the sand
and discovered...

puddles
lots and lots of puddles
they were deep and cold
and endlessly joyful

we ran through each one
up and down the beach
pausing to gaze at pelicans
drying in the sun
a perfect playground
for father and son

dada is entering new territory
of loneliness
and being alone
spending days
locked in a cold room
not talking to anyone
until he sees you
for a few hours
then back again
into a hole

he misses you dearly
and can't stand the fact
that we are separate
he will never get used to this

he cries suddenly
uncontrollably
until he regains control
of thought
and removes you
and the past
from the moment
then he is normal again
very normal
solitude has its advantages
and in many ways
dada has been blessed
and is back to himself
after a long time
of doing what some else wants
living the life of others

the marriage between
me and your mom
was forced
i never wanted to marry her
or anyone else for that matter
i know her parents very well
they never liked me
and only forced us to get married
because they couldn't have your mom
living in sin

i knew their hatred
would lead them to this
like it did with the others
all divorced

in deciding to give you life
i weighted all these facts
i knew you would suffer
but i give you life regardless
why
how could i be so careless
and irresponsible
especially if i knew beforehand
i made you
to suffer
all these years
why

you should always live your life
never compromise on your principles

it was the one unselfish act
i ever did in my life
i did if for your mother
i didn't want her to live a barren life
her life was meaningless enough
so i put you there
and did everything i could
to give you a good birth

with the writing on the wall
even before your head was dry
i spent as much time as i could with you
in the beginning
and even though i gave them
all the trivial excuses they needed
to pull the trigger
on both of us
i still tried to hold on to you
as long as possible

i guess that's why
it took me eight months
two hundred and forty eight days
to settle the divorce
which i did today
i signed the last paper
me and you mom will both write on
and with that
the divorce is over

you must never think
its your fault
we lived in conflict
had separate friends
never did anything together
and fought bitterly
there was never anything
between your mom and me
all she wanted was a child
and while i felt sorry for her
in creating you
compassion is not love
so it is not your fault
not by any stretch of the imagination

it is all my fault
i had foresight into your life
and knew before
what would happen to you
its all my fault

maybe i did it for me
i didn't want to appear selfish
i was afraid of what others would think of me
whatever the reason
i have learned a lesson
go with your own feelings
trying to please others
when you know better
will not change its result
and only lead to more suffering

its not you
or me
its the nature of thought
this is all there is
and there is no way out
so don't even try
only when all movement cease
will you be able
to enjoy the beach
and live your life
dancing through puddles

thinking of gaza

i feel so helpless
watching the bombings
in gaza
hundreds of women and children
innocently killed
the world watches
and does nothing
as a dominant state
commits murder
in the name of peace
but due to local politics
another election war

am i responsible
for any of this
is supporting one side
akin to supporting the conflict
am i as violent as killers
on both sides

thought will never accept
its utter brutality
how can it
thought is completely immoral

in thought's quest for continuity
all of its fears and desires
are mutually satisfying
violence
sex
god
security
fame
are all the same

my sense of outrage
against the gaza violence
is another aspect of thought

there's no escape
i'm trapped in thought

the best course of action
is to remain upset at myself
for the violence
that i am
and limit my blaming
others for violence
the same violence
that lies right under my skin

i am responsible
for supporting thought's project
and for its resultant violence

i am thought
i am conflict
i am violent